Family not close

teajug

alwaysbrassic wrote: »

I go out of my way for my family, the other day I took my children out when they were both poorly, as I was taking my mum to a doctors appointment. If I didn't care, would I have done that?

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[/FONT]But you would do that anyway for anyone that was looking after their child. It is your child and your parents were not well. They not not some stranger.

It is obvious that you wants a more loving relation with your mother , but your mother is a person also in her own right. Some siblings do not respect this and thinks that their mother is there just to serve them.

Mothers want the best for their offspring’s and sometimes this can be taken advantage of.

OP has not said whether she pays her mother for babysitting her daughter, if she does then that is OK but if not then she should treat her mother to a holiday or buy her something to show her appreciation for what she is doing for her and her husband.

Not sure what you means when she says closeness, this can mean hug or a kiss on the cheek each time you meet your parents. However her mother may not be a tactile person and was probable brought up differently to your MiL.

It is usually the MiL is on the firing line with DiL's. My friends in- laws always kiss and hug her every time she meets them and as soon as she leaves they talk about her no end. I have heard them and was appalled by it.

meg72

getmore4less wrote: »

what do sis and mum do for xmas maybe htey are just happy not bothering.

15 years ! Give up and focus on those that want to do things your way.

If you want social interaction at Xmas and new year do it with those you are comfortable with, if it is at your place you can always leave an open invitation.

I totally agree with this, you have clearly done your best.

Be happy that she cares for your child so you see her every week and she will ask for help if she needs it, i.e. the doctors appointment. As fr your sister Give it up.

NinaSwiss

Dont give up just yet, clearly you've tried to have a closer relationship with your mum but it might not be obvious to her especially if everyone in the family is so used to being distant with each other. She obviously care for you as she looks after your childeren.

How about once in a while arranging for someone else to look after the childeren, then specifically tell her that you are taking her out for some mother-daughter time. Do something fun together then perhaps make it an ongoing thing e.g once a month.


I'm not particularly close with my mum and siblings. I had a lot of resentment for my mum growing up and the fact that she was nerver affectionate towards me and was never at home (due to having to work alot). However in my adult years I've realised she did the best with what she had and I try to occasionally do things with her I know she enjoys as she pretty much fills her time with work.

lostinrates

I would also say I am not THAT close to my parents, which is odd as one of them lives with me! I know they 'love' me just their way of expressing (or failing to) is different and I know one of them feels responsibility more than love. Maybe they both do. They are people who have struggled in other close relationships in their life, the most long lasting ones being those with the best boundaries.

We help each other, and they love my dh (dh is closer to them both than I am) but we are never going to be the picture postcard image of perfect family relationships and that's ok.

One of them has suffered considerable depression, and not an easy life, and though I do not like to diagnose they appear to have a narcotic personality disorder. How can I expect more from them when they have these issues? The other is very detached and possibly would have an interested score on tests of scales of autism, but has been successful in work and deal with things be compartmentalising.

'close' is never going to be for us hugs, kisses and confiding. That's what my husband and close friends are for. Close with them, on the terms we have reached, is them being as helpful as they feel able to be at the time practically, and vice versa.

'close' in the television family way is not acheivable for all, some people are just not wired that way, and I think if your mother is able to provide an ongoing role of support to your children and you then that really is something to be proud of you ALL for being able to have acheived with differing personalities and idea of family.

It doesn't really matter why she says she does it, she does it. It could be like one of my parents love and responsibilty are hard to discern, and that the commitment is more important to her than the tea and shopping.

Fwiw, both my parents have very different taste to me, shopping with them (I a number one chauffeur often) is a tense experience, be grateful you don't have to do it and explain why something you like for your mother you would not wear.......

Mojisola

NinaSwiss wrote: »

Dont give up just yet

For how many more years? She's already been trying for 15, so another 5, another 10?

nearlyrich

I am close to my siblings and we do socialise together and our children are close BUT we have been brought up in a close extended family and have seen this example of closeness over three generations. If the OP has not had this closeness over the years it is not that simple to make it happen. Maybe her mum and sister don't know what they are missing, you can't make other people change their ways.