Family not close

Goldiegirl

There's no rule saying families have to be close.

If you want to feel closer to them, just wondered if it's worth telling them how you feel.

If that doesn't work, I think I'd just accept the status quo, and concentrate on friends who want your company

lostinrates

sulkisu wrote: »

Really? Isn't that what family do - walk in and make yourself comfortable? Sounds like you are expecting others to make the effort. You can't force people to be close to you, but the next time you go over there, why don't you try doing what 'close' family do - i.e. don't wait to be offered a drink, make one for yourself and sit down? Likewise, if you are so sure that the only reason that your mohter babysits is because she feels obligated to, tell her that she doesn't need to do it and make alternative arrangements.

No, I would ASK my mother if I could make a cup of tea had she not offered me one and I would expect to make her one if she visited me, or for a longer stay I would say. 'do help yourself to tea and coffee' and show her where it is. I doubt she would know where it is in my house!

alwaysbrassic

sulkisu wrote: »

Really? Isn't that what family do - walk in and make yourself comfortable? Sounds like you are expecting others to make the effort. You can't force people to be close to you, but the next time you go over there, why don't you try doing what 'close' family do - i.e. don't wait to be offered a drink, make one for yourself and sit down? Likewise, if you are so sure that the only reason that your mohter babysits is because she feels obligated to, tell her that she doesn't need to do it and make alternative arrangements.

That isn't what our family does. My sister doesn't visit her half as much as I do. And I have had the discussion of childcare with her, I didn't ask her to look after my children. They were in nursery and she volunteered to have them. My mother in law does the other 3 days for me.

alwaysbrassic

teajug wrote: »

Do you pay your mother anything for looking after your child while you are at work or is it just taken for granted that she will do it. Also why not thank your mother for being so good with your child and asked her if it is too much for her as well as looking after your sister child as well. Tell her that you will get your mother in law to do it as you get on so well with her.

I expect, if you cannot make the effort to make your mother a cup of tea while you are there I expect you do not care about her and your mother probably knows this from your actions.

I go out of my way for my family, the other day I took my children out when they were both poorly, as I was taking my mum to a doctors appointment. If I didn't care, would I have done that?

thehappybutterfly

maybe you're trying too hard brassic? You sound like you're doing the right thing asking them around for tea, arranging play dates etc so I'm trying to figure out where it's going wrong. Is it all a bit formal and forced when you invite your mum and sister around? Is your house relaxed or is it spotless and they maybe feel a bit awkward when they come in? I'm thinking about what you say about it being rude to help yourself at your mum's house. I'm not particularly close to one of my siblings (the one who lives locally ironically enough) but even when I'm there, I help myself to drinks etc, and they can do the same when they come here. There's usually a moment of awkwardness for the first five minutes because we only see each other maybe once a year but honestly within 5 minutes, we're all chilled, feet up on the couch, wine glasses in hand, moaning about work etc. I hate formal invitations to friends and families houses. A quick text/phonecall is all I require - enough to make sure someone's in.

DUKE

I have a bro & sis older than me & a bro & sis younger than me, I get on reasonably well with my elder sis & younger bro. However, the older bro & younger sis just don't want to know, I've tried & died, & now I give up. Even when I've organised a family get together for my Mom's birthday they can't be bothered to show up & make ridiculous excuses ..... They treat my elder sis the same, she gets annoyed, I really don't care any more.

Own_My_Own

Sometimes the problem with threads like this is posters reply with how their family set-up works. And they find it hard to understand how different some families are.

The only family member I now speak to is my father. And to be truthful, he is a lot closer to his step children than me.
He spent Christmas and New Year with my step sister.

We have never been a close family (as some of you will know), and I can fully understand how the op feels. It is harder at this time of year, with other people talking about their family get togethers.

I have now realised that my FAMILY consist of the people that live in my home. And I am grateful for what I have.

flower24

makes me laugh how pedantic some people who are replying are. I'm pretty sure the OP knows her own family better than you lot and is able to judge the situation correctly!

Teenie_D

teajug wrote: »

Do you pay your mother anything for looking after your child while you are at work or is it just taken for granted that she will do it. Also why not thank your mother for being so good with your child and asked her if it is too much for her as well as looking after your sister child as well. Tell her that you will get your mother in law to do it as you get on so well with her.

I expect, if you cannot make the effort to make your mother a cup of tea while you are there I expect you do not care about her and your mother probably knows this from your actions.

Not sure why you're giving the OP such a hard time tbh, she clearly wants a better relationship with her Mum and it doesn't sound the the Mother is very forth coming, I have a very good relationship with my Mum and have no problem with going round to hers unannounced and sticking the kettle on but not everyone has such an easy relationship with their family members.

You don't know that the OP doesn't thank her for looking after her children or show her thanks in other ways, the OP has already said that her Mother offered to help with child care.

OP it's a shame that your family don't have the same closeness as your DH has with his Mum but it sounds like you have tried your best, at least you and your MIL get on well

marlasinger

I'm not close to my family. We don't dislike each other or anything, but we are just not a talky-talky family. I live in a different country to them, and we email each other very rarely, and speak on the phone maybe once a year. We just don't have much to say about anything. It's quite awkward when we do speak; my family has always been very insular, and have never really enjoyed the company of other people. Probably odd, but it is what it is.

It does irritate me though when co-workers make judgemental comments about the fact that I don't have loads of contact with family. I would never make a comment about someone's relationship with their family especially when I know next to nothing about them. Really riles me! :mad:

So yeah, OP, you're not alone. It doesn't bother me. Families come in all shapes and sizes.