Family not close

alwaysbrassic

I do go to see her but I am generally shooed out after 20 mins without the offer of a drink or anything. Believe me I have spent the last 15 years trying to get closer to my family. I haven't just sat back and accepted it, but there is only so many times you can try. I can't force closeness. I am, on the other hand, extremely close to my mother in law. She and my husband share an extremely close and loving relationship. Not living In each others pockets but being there for each other when needed and enjoying each others company.

LondonDiva

alwaysbrassic wrote: »

I do go to see her but I am generally shooed out after 20 mins without the offer of a drink or anything.

Do you actually sit there waiting for your mum to 'offer you a drink'?? If you want one, do what most people do at their parents - get up and make one, while asking if she fancies anything. She's your mum, not a waitress.

alwaysbrassic

I wouldn't dream of going and making myself a drink. If she doesn't want me to stay I think that would be extremely rude of me to make a drink and park myself on the sofa!

getmore4less

what do sis and mum do for xmas maybe htey are just happy not bothering.

15 years ! Give up and focus on those that want to do things your way.

If you want social interaction at Xmas and new year do it with those you are comfortable with, if it is at your place you can always leave an open invitation.

Mojisola

alwaysbrassic wrote: »

I do go to see her but I am generally shooed out after 20 mins without the offer of a drink or anything. Believe me I have spent the last 15 years trying to get closer to my family. I haven't just sat back and accepted it, but there is only so many times you can try. I can't force closeness.

I am, on the other hand, extremely close to my mother in law. She and my husband share an extremely close and loving relationship. Not living In each others pockets but being there for each other when needed and enjoying each others company.

After 15 years, just accept that it's not going to happen.

Spend the time and energy on the people who are close to you and on making good friends.

teajug

alwaysbrassic wrote: »

I only see her to drop the children off. My husband picks them up. It's a 5 minute handover.

Therefore you only use her for your child care, how wonderful. She brought you up fed you and educated you. Now you cannot be bother with her for more than 5 minutes. Shame that as you will be exactly like her when you get to her age and see how you like it...

Mojisola

teajug wrote: »

Therefore you only use her for your child care, how wonderful. She brought you up fed you and educated you. Now you cannot be bother with her for more than 5 minutes. Shame that as you will be exactly like her when you get to her age and see how you like it...

It sounds as if the "five minutes" is because that's how the grandmother wants it, not alwaysbrassic.

sulkisu

alwaysbrassic wrote: »

I wouldn't dream of going and making myself a drink. If she doesn't want me to stay I think that would be extremely rude of me to make a drink and park myself on the sofa!

Really? Isn't that what family do - walk in and make yourself comfortable? Sounds like you are expecting others to make the effort. You can't force people to be close to you, but the next time you go over there, why don't you try doing what 'close' family do - i.e. don't wait to be offered a drink, make one for yourself and sit down? Likewise, if you are so sure that the only reason that your mohter babysits is because she feels obligated to, tell her that she doesn't need to do it and make alternative arrangements.

teajug

sulkisu wrote: »

Really? Isn't that what family do - walk in and make yourself comfortable? Sounds like you are expecting others to make the effort. You can't force people to be close to you, but the next time you go over there, why don't you try doing what 'close' family do - i.e. don't wait to be offered a drink, make one for yourself and sit down? Likewise, if you are so sure that the only reason that your mohter babysits is because she feels obligated to, tell her that she doesn't need to do it and make alternative arrangements.

Do you pay your mother anything for looking after your child while you are at work or is it just taken for granted that she will do it. Also why not thank your mother for being so good with your child and asked her if it is too much for her as well as looking after your sister child as well. Tell her that you will get your mother in law to do it as you get on so well with her.

I expect, if you cannot make the effort to make your mother a cup of tea while you are there I expect you do not care about her and your mother probably knows this from your actions.

Skippycat

Mojisola wrote: »

After 15 years, just accept that it's not going to happen.

Spend the time and energy on the people who are close to you and on making good friends.

I'd agree with this.

It sounds as if you have really tried to improve your relationship with your mother and sister. Unfortunately though if they aren't willing to put in a similar effort then I don't think there is much more you can do. The important thing is that you have a good relationship with your OH, children and MIL. Perhaps try to focus more on these relationships in the New Year rather than setting yourself up for further disappointment when it comes to your mother and sister.