People who never say thank you?

notanewuser

OrkneyStar wrote: »

Maybe they cannot afford it?
Maybe they are saying 'why does she keep buying us presents when we never buy any back?'
Perhaps just stop buying them, do cards only, perhaps mark a first birthday, 13th, 16th etc only?
I agree it is polite to say thanks, but would not be giving on the basis of whether I got a thank you card or not.

Oh, no probs with money. Every new child up there comes with a new car or house deposit from DH's parents, not to mention free childcare.

Its not just about presents. If somebody makes me a cup of tea I say thank you straight away. It's a habit (a good one, I think). You probably get a thank you 1 in 10 cups from that lot.

OrkneyStar

notanewuser wrote: »

Oh, no probs with money. Every new child up there comes with a new car or house deposit from DH's parents, not to mention free childcare.

Its not just about presents. If somebody makes me a cup of tea I say thank you straight away. It's a habit (a good one, I think). You probably get a thank you 1 in 10 cups from that lot.

It seems they and you just don't 'sing from the same songsheet'. Personally I'd stop with the presents, maybe just do cards to mark special occasions.
As for the lack of thanks, in general, I think you just need to breathe a deep breath before you see them (if you have to!), and accept they are just like that.
All the best.

conradmum

I think there are people who like giving and receiving presents and others who don't. I sometimes get presents from people who I wouldn't normally expect to receive presents from and it annoys me because then I feel beholden to appear grateful and give them a present in return. I'm not at all materialistic and hate having lots of 'stuff'. The present-giving people are usually those with houses full of things - I would call it clutter but they would probably disagree.

The point is I feel emotionally blackmailed into the present-giving habit by people who are basically buying me a present because they want to get one back, or buying my child a present because they want me to buy one for their child. These are the same people that are into thank you cards too. I wasn't brought up to write thank you cards. I don't think it's polite, I think it's a silly and pointless thing to do. Why is a simple verbal thank you not enough? Why do people have to write down their, probably insincere, gratitude?

If you want to give gifts, give them with an open heart, not because you're expecting something in return. Don't expect children to write you a letter about it, they might not have liked the present and probably can't even remember who it was from. The whole present-giving culture is a minefield of mismatched expectations. Don't expect others to behave as you do. Don't give presents with a view to what you're going to get back. That isn't what present giving is supposed to be about.

I'm sure there are people (in fact I know of one for certain!) who have thought me rude in the past because I didn't reciprocate present-giving. But I knew their true motive was and refused to get drawn in. Then they showed their true colours when their turn came and they got nothing. If their gift had been freely given they wouldn't minded getting nothing back.

I'm not ungenerous and often give presents where they aren't expected, particularly to teachers and others who've gone out of their way to be helpful. And I give presents to family members who sometimes don't return the gesture. I don't mind. But I'm not going to be manipulated into it by people with their own self-interest at heart.

Threebabes

sulkisu wrote: »

It is very rude. Sorry, but if you and your husband feel so strongly about it then you should have given the presents back.
What you are basically saying is that you are going to keep the presents and make use of them, but you are not prepared to say 'thank you' because you didn't want them in the first place.

It sounds like you in-laws were trying to do the right thing and gave gifts (token gifts, nothing extravagant) not to receive one in return, but because they wanted to - in the true spirit of giving. Also, its worth remembering that (depending on how old your children are), you might understand why they didn't receive presents from family members but they won't necessarily. All they will know is that granny, grandad, aunty and uncle didn't buy them presents this year.

Just a thought.

Hi, my in-laws are in a class of their own. Over the years we have been constantly snubbed, lied to, misled. My husband is the black sheep and thats followed on with my kids. My children know what is going on, they are old enough. They know they are ignored most of the year. So it is not as black and white as in us not thanking them. What a good idea about returning the gifts.

I do feel rude not thanking them all the same, I believe in good manners, but I shall not be loosing any sleep.

SAHD_Jim

I agree that it is good manners and I bristle even watching TV if someone doesn't say please or thank you. But not everyone feels the same way.

If you give someone a gift, you should be doing this because you want to, without strings. If it rankles that much that you don't get a "thank you" then you really should think about whether it is just easier not to bother.

If their lack of reciprocal behaviour is annoying, then I'd simply tell them in no uncertain terms that as they don't bother giving you/your dd gifts then you won't be either in future.

notanewuser

conradmum wrote: »

I think there are people who like giving and receiving presents and others who don't. I sometimes get presents from people who I wouldn't normally expect to receive presents from and it annoys me because then I feel beholden to appear grateful and give them a present in return. I'm not at all materialistic and hate having lots of 'stuff'. The present-giving people are usually those with houses full of things - I would call it clutter but they would probably disagree.

The point is I feel emotionally blackmailed into the present-giving habit by people who are basically buying me a present because they want to get one back, or buying my child a present because they want me to buy one for their child. These are the same people that are into thank you cards too. I wasn't brought up to write thank you cards. I don't think it's polite, I think it's a silly and pointless thing to do. Why is a simple verbal thank you not enough? Why do people have to write down their, probably insincere, gratitude?

If you want to give gifts, give them with an open heart, not because you're expecting something in return. Don't expect children to write you a letter about it, they might not have liked the present and probably can't even remember who it was from. The whole present-giving culture is a minefield of mismatched expectations. Don't expect others to behave as you do. Don't give presents with a view to what you're going to get back. That isn't what present giving is supposed to be about.

I'm sure there are people (in fact I know of one for certain!) who have thought me rude in the past because I didn't reciprocate present-giving. But I knew their true motive was and refused to get drawn in. Then they showed their true colours when their turn came and they got nothing. If their gift had been freely given they wouldn't minded getting nothing back.

I'm not ungenerous and often give presents where they aren't expected, particularly to teachers and others who've gone out of their way to be helpful. And I give presents to family members who sometimes don't return the gesture. I don't mind. But I'm not going to be manipulated into it by people with their own self-interest at heart.

When I was growing up, there was my nuclear family and everybody else was 250+ miles away. We saw my grandparents, aunties and uncles 3-4 times a year. That was it. So when they took the trouble to buy us presents and get them to us, we were taught to send a little note back. My grandmother still has many of the letters we sent (which were not just thank yous).

I am continuing that for DD because she only has 1 set of grandparents locally. I don't expect thank you cards or notes from anybody, nor reciprocal gifts (which is a separate issue - DD seems to be out of sight, out of mind for her father's family), but I expect a verbal/text/email thank you because it is polite. They're quick enough to ask for my advice on all manner of things, so it's not a lack if time issue, or anything else.

It hurts to see DD sidelined in favour of her cousins, and makes me less inclined to make the effort to visit. I only had 1 side of the family growing up, and I want DD to know her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (and them her) from DH's side.

Threebabes

Well Ive bit the bullet, and send thank you cards to them. Feel like I've done the right thing and we didn't have to speak to them.

mrcow

Threebabes wrote: »

Well Ive bit the bullet, and send thank you cards to them. Feel like I've done the right thing

You have.


I guess all you can do is try and make your wishes clear next year - although how you stop a grandparent buying a present for their grandchildren, I don't know. You could sayy what you liked to my mother, you'd never stop her!