Step-parent am I wrong?

his_wife

I have been with my husband 10 yrs, he is step parent to four children,,,, for the first year or so, he had no say whatsoever in my childrens choices, as he didnt live with me.

Once we got married, and he moved in with me, he had more of a say,,,its taken me a long time to feel comfortable, but, i am pleased to know, that if my children arent happy with their choices, they can go to their step dad for help, and that he will give them an honest answer. He will also help and support them 100 per cent, if he doesnt agree with their choices, he will explain, pros and cons etc,,,,,he is a good dad.

I think, that if you live with your partner, then you should have a say in what the children want. However, your partner may find it hard letting you in, it will become easier with time.

marisco_2

I dont think you are wrong to feel it is not right that you aren't involved in decisions. You have made a commitment to this woman and as part of that you want to take on the role of caring for her daughter. Being there to talk through any problems or worries and be supportive.

The way your OH is behaving results in you being undermined and pushed out. It doesn't show a united, happy, approachable front to the daughter at all does it. Long term it will have a detrimental effect on the relationship you have with this young woman. My step sister has a rubbish relationship with her step dad because her mum always told him 'those kids are not yours, you have no say in how I raise them'. Very often in front of them, a totally shocking, stupid way to carry on imho.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

uptoyou wrote: »

Hi
Last night I got told by my OH that I basically have no say in regards to the children's future.
Yesterday I got a call from the eldest daughter , she was in tears and worrying about school next year saying that she didn't want to stay there and wanted to go to another college. I talked to her as much as possible and told her that we will talk as a family when she is home.
Now, I briefed the OH when she got home and Mum says to me no chance of that, daughter came in to starts to talk to her Mum, daughter crying and Mum semi ranting. Daughter get up and goes into her bedroom, Mum follows and I leave them to talk for 20 minutes or so. The outcome is that the daughter can start looking into going to college.
I just felt really upset by the fact that I was not involved in this, I told my OH this and she just said well "it's down to me to choose where she goes and what she does". Am I wrong in feeling this way?

Sorry if this post is jumbled I find it hard to write down..

How would you sitting on her bed observing have made any difference? Unless you have been awarded parental responsibility, your OH is only stating the truth - it is up to her.



The worst part of being with someone who wasn't a biological parent was when they started throwing their weight around, declaring 'if she was my kid.....', usually ending in something involving stopping their real father from having contact or physical punishment. They weren't the biological parent, so it just wasn't going to happen - and such nonsensical statements just added fuel to any tense situation.

HeatherintheHills

uptoyou wrote: »

Hi

Yesterday I got a call from the eldest daughter , she was in tears and worrying...

When upset your step daughter called you, she didn't call her mum?

Might your OH be jealous of the way her daughter is accepting you as a parent?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

When upset your step daughter called you, she didn't call her mum?

Might your OH be jealous of the way her daughter is accepting you as a parent?

Answered the phone as she was out/at work, perhaps?

Miss_Havisham

excellent post from heretolearn. I won't copy it here as it's long and detailed but well worth reading closely.

Miss H

thistledome

sharp910sh wrote: »

I am confused. Do you all live together or something? Her mum, your husband and you in one house?

I think the OP a step-mum and her OH is the biological mum.

Apologies to OP if I'm wrong.

FBaby

When I moved in with my partner, we both agreed clearly that although I would always listen to his views and advice as I very much respect them, ultimately, I will always go with what I think is right for my children.

My DD is very academic and at the moment is expected to pursue a path in science and is talking about wanting to go to medical school. She is lucky to find academic work easy and she knows that she has to make the best of this ability as it is clearly her forte. If suddenly at 16 she announced that she was giving up her studies and wanted to become a hairdresser, I would certainly not be overly pleased and would try to remind her of her capabilities and encourage her to think twice.

If she then went to her step-dad crying, saying that I understood nothing, and he encouraged her in that it is her decision, she can do what she wants, that he agrees with her and that he would talk to me to make me see that I am wrong, I would be very angry and probably would have the exact same reaction that the OP's partner. I woud have hoped that he would have listened, and if indeed even if he agreed with her, would have tried to defend my position and talked to me afterwards without letting her know.

Jinx

If I was a step-parent then I would expect my partner to take on board my views and respectfully listen to me rather than just disregard anything I said. But then that would apply to all scenarios and not just re children.

My now hubby met my daughter when she was 13 and we moved in together when she was 15. He tread very lightly for a long time so they could build a good relationship. Ultimately decisions re my daughter came down to me - I would discuss with her dad and her step-dad (where, when appropriate of course) but I was the daytoday parent with care.

embob74

My OH is a step-dad and quite often my children will speak to him for advice or help. And he will speak to me. And vice versa if the kids speak to me I tell him and we discuss it.
The only issue was the children's biological father as he initially was very upset at somebody else playing the role of father but over time he has realised that OH has always been fair and good to the children (and always paid for them which is more than bio-dad ever wanted to do!) I admit though it was hard in the beginning for the children to have a step-mum.
Our solution was communication. OH and I talk to the ex and his wife and that ensures the kids (a) don't get away with anything by playing us off against each other and (b) the kids realise we all want what is best for them and are all there in our different ways.
It's worked really well for us. I have always totally supported my OH though and I think that's essential.
It's a bit poor that somebody thinks you are acceptable to fund a child's lifestyle but not have an opinion on how they should be raised.