Step-parent am I wrong?

Person_one

uptoyou wrote: »

No I'm not her Mum but if I was then I would involve my partner. The daughter is nearly 16. Yes there has been other occasions where I have been told the same. I am not saying that I should get to make decisions but I would like to be part of the process. Surely that is part of being a family talking things through etc

If the girl is 16, then what she thinks has to count, and it seems as though she trusts you and feels she can talk to you about stuff that's bothering her.

I agree that you should be part of the discssion, if you and her mum disagree completely though then that's a tricky situation.

I find it interesting that so many people immediately assume the OP is female, I thought it was obvious from the post that he's a stepfather.

motherofstudents

Is the 'real' father around ? Or is it just you and mum? I think your input would be valuable as it sounds like daughter can talk to you. But it is a different relationship and maybe you just have to take a step back. Talk to mum and try to find out why she feels as she does ?

Treevo

At 16 the girl's decision should be final. Parents and step-parents can guide but it is her life and she must deal with the consequences.

victor2

Treevo wrote: »

At 16 the girl's decision should be final. Parents and step-parents can guide but it is her life and she must deal with the consequences.

But let's face it, the consequences are that they come running back to (step)parents when they realise they've made a terrible decision!

Treevo

victor2 wrote: »

But let's face it, the consequences are that they come running back to (step)parents when they realise they've made a terrible decision!

Or they make the right decision, despite all objections from the parents, and they have a wonderfully successful life. And then 20 years later the parents try to write their never-doubting, totally supportive roles into history.

Conrad

Impossible for anyone here to make a judgement as we do not know the background landscape.

As others have said many factors such as time in the family will influence a step parents place.

For all we know the girl often flares up and there is a whole back story the parents have to consider.

I'm personally quite warry of step parents that assume parental roles where none is actually appropriate, particularly step fathers that may have controling disciplinarian tendancies.

Dave101t

for a wife or partner to turn and say 'well its not up to you, shes mine' sounds like a bad parent who cant discuss things in an adult manner. i bet this isnt the only time you have been marginalised?

abailey54

You do have my sympthies OP. My mother and her husband argued constantly about this very subject for many years - it certainly put me off getting together with someone who already had children.

I don't think it's wrong to feel upset; if it upset you then it upset you.

I obviously don't know your situation and wouldn't want to make assumptions, but could it be that your OH is feeling stressed and responsible for the daughter's future? It sounds like you need to discuss the matter in more detail with OH - if this isn't the deal you signed up for then it'd probably be worth revisiting the terms

pollyanna24

Diff situation probably, but if my ex new gf thought she should have any say in what my children, I would not so politely tell her where to go.

But it all depends on your situation etc.

System

Your role as a step parent in my eyes differs from the role of a parent.

The child is not yours, your job is to support your partner in the best way to bring up the child. I personally wouldnt get involved in any decision making but i'd advise if asked but the final decision would must be on the parents.

In my case, my ex wasnt around to support my decisions with the kids but since i made most of the decisions for them anyway it didnt really matter.

However, i dont really class my 16 year old as a child now. He makes his own decisions and i try as much as i can to treat him as an 'immature adult'.... Which reminds me, i must talk to him again when he comes home from college. He's had a few ideas about his future which i dont think are good. His choice though but i still need to have my say as i'm responsible for guiding him.