Step-parent am I wrong?

uptoyou

Hi
Last night I got told by my OH that I basically have no say in regards to the children's future.
Yesterday I got a call from the eldest daughter , she was in tears and worrying about school next year saying that she didn't want to stay there and wanted to go to another college. I talked to her as much as possible and told her that we will talk as a family when she is home.
Now, I briefed the OH when she got home and Mum says to me no chance of that, daughter came in to starts to talk to her Mum, daughter crying and Mum semi ranting. Daughter get up and goes into her bedroom, Mum follows and I leave them to talk for 20 minutes or so. The outcome is that the daughter can start looking into going to college.
I just felt really upset by the fact that I was not involved in this, I told my OH this and she just said well "it's down to me to choose where she goes and what she does". Am I wrong in feeling this way?

Sorry if this post is jumbled I find it hard to write down..

KxMx

You aren't her mother but I do find the attitude by your OH odd and nasty quite frankly.
Has anything like this come up before? And out of interest how old is she?

Stephb1986_2

My step dad has always had a say in what I do in my life and my mum always takes his side in a argument.

I think your OH is in the wrong here, if your paying to bring up her kid then you should get a say.

Steph xx

uptoyou

No I'm not her Mum but if I was then I would involve my partner. The daughter is nearly 16. Yes there has been other occasions where I have been told the same. I am not saying that I should get to make decisions but I would like to be part of the process. Surely that is part of being a family talking things through etc

aliasojo

uptoyou wrote: »

Hi
Last night I got told by my OH that I basically have no say in regards to the children's future.

I just felt really upset by the fact that I was not involved in this, I told my OH this and she just said well "it's down to me to choose where she goes and what she does". Am I wrong in feeling this way?

How long have you been together?

Trust develops over a long time imo. Is it possible that Mum feels your decisions with regards to the 'kids' issues are not always wise?

Don't be offended, just raising a possible as to why she may feel she is the best person to make decisions for and with the kids.

heretolearn_2

Different families do things in different ways. I don't think that a step parent automatically has an equal say, no.

A lot depends on the overall parenting structure. If you are that child's only mum/father figure, then that might give you more say. If the birth mum/dad is not that interested, then it's great if you step into the gap. If you've been involved in raising that child for many years, you should have more say.

But if the child already has two good parents, or if you haven't been on the scene all that long, I think that the child's actual parents get to make the decisions really, and raise their child how they choose. You can still have an input, but you can't interfere or undermine them.

But no matter how long you have been involved, they are the child's real parents, not you. And I say that both as a step mum and as mother to a son who has a step mum. I would not have appreciated her interference in parenting decisions me and his dad made. Likewise, as a step mum, sometimes I have to grit my teeth and hold my tongue when I think a mistake is being made, or something is being done that I disagree with. If my input/advice is welcome, that's one thing, but I don't interfere with major decisions. Even on small ones sometimes I strongly strongly disagree, but I accept that everyone parents differently and it's their call, not mine, and keep my opinion to myself.

I certainly would never take any child's side against the parents - that's divisive, damaging, and children can manipulate the situation.

You say you should have been part of the family discussion on this. But you have to remember that while you are family to your OH and your step daughter, you aren't family to her mum, if that helps you feel a bit less hurt and rejected. To her mum, it probably would feel like an auntie or cousin thinking she needs to be involved in a family discussion about the child. Sure, you are connected to them, but you wouldn't expect to be included in a family debate over your niece's college choices by right, would you? Or would you expect the grandparents to have the right to put their tuppence in as well? I can understand why you feel hurt - I too felt hurt at times when I felt my input was unappreciated or dismissed, but I just remind myself 'these are not my kids' and put it into perspective. Being a step parent is great, you get to have a relationship with these children, but I would advise that you don't make the mistake of thinking you are equal to their birth parents.

I'm a bit confused by your post though, it seems you may be the step dad and daughter lives with you and her mum? In which case switch some of the genders above.

Also,if you OH was a single mum for quite some time then she is used to making all these decisions alone, and has not yet adjusted to a different situation. i'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Try talking to her about exactly what your role is, what support she would welcome from you, and explain you'd like to be more involved.

JimmyTheWig

aliasojo wrote: »

How long have you been together?

Trust develops over a long time imo.

I think this is the vital part.
If the daughter is nearly 16 and you've been a step-dad for 6 months then I think at times your opinion would be of interest but the decision lays with her mum.

If, on the other hand, you've been a step-dad for the last 15 years and, basically, played the role of a parent for her whole like then I think you should be on equal footing regardless fo the genetics.


Chances are it is somewhere between the two. In which case it is up to you and your partner to come to an understanding.

turtlemoose

Welcome to the unhappy world of step parenting. All the negatives of having kids and none of the positives, when you have a partner who treats you like this.

You can of course contribute your finances, your time, your home and your emotions...in fact if you do not willingly do so you will be decried as a child hater, selfish etc.

But don't dare expect anything in return for those things (such as respect, gratitude, appreciation), as again how selfish could you be!!!

Unless you have a partner who feels exactly the same about child rearing as you, then there will always be something.

I appreciate there are some very happy blended families out here, however it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but a lot of people are too afraid to admit it.

sharp910sh

I am confused. Do you all live together or something? Her mum, your husband and you in one house?

balletshoes

I took from the OP that he is the stepdad.

victor2

turtlemoose wrote: »

Welcome to the unhappy world of step parenting. All the negatives of having kids and none of the positives, when you have a partner who treats you like this....

There speaks a bitter step parent I would guess.
It is a balancing act though, and both of you should have gone into the relationship fully aware of what responsibilities you were taking on.
OH has got to be behind you in some respect. The relationship with her daughter is important, but your relationship with OH is even more so, and it sounds like that is where the problem lies.
Maybe OH feels threatened by your opinions. Don't try to use the daughter as a lever, but if you get on OK with her, it will help you to get involved and accepted in the decision making.
A heart-to-heart with OH may be required. Good luck.