Stepson problems

jennys_mum

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

I just think someone should think about the man caught up in all this and understand his reticence to rush into things. Nobody is thinking of him and his needs.

He invited two people he loved to move into his home but they changed almost overnight. His girlfriend quickly turned from an independent strong woman to a home-based disabled dependent. His son also lost his job, became dependent and went off the rails.

This isn't what he signed up for and is a lot to happen in a short time and he's having to mentally adjust to this situation too. He will probably come round but right now people are demanding he puts them first when he must still be reeling from the shock. He knows his retirement is coming in the next decade and he's probably feeling trapped and a little frightened about the future himself.

Now these two people, whom he loves, are regarding each other as lazy free loaders and are thinking about his death and hounding him about what will happen to them, his money and their security. The man is only 59.

I agree the OP needs protection but I think the man needs time.
There's only so much burden you can put on a man before he cracks.

I'd like to add to that, my partner did not invite him into his home willingly. He didn't want him here as he had got his life together and was working and had grown up and if he moved in here he would regress. At that time we didn't know about the drugs. Sure enough that's exactly what happened. He lost his job through absence because he was high as a kite most of the time and out partying. He made no attempt to look for another job and was content to live here with me cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry and buying his food, toiltetries etc and his Dad paying his bills. I suggested he pay board and his Dad wouldn't allow it.

System

I don't think trying to make plans for my future is the same as wringing my hands together thinking of his money while he is still alive, which is how you have painted me.

Well i dont paint you like that at all but at the same time you gave away your independance the day you gave up your home to live with this man. He gave up his right to be selfish when he allowed you into his home. After all, you never know what is round the corner as he has found out.

One thing i have told my children... Never depend on someone else to put a roof over their heads without having a fool proof back up plan if it all goes pearshaped.

As you have found out, people who drink or who are on drugs are unpredictable and two faced. If your partner isnt going to protect you in his death. I would get your name down on the council housing list as soon as possible. Yes, you will have to start again but at least you will have a roof over your head.

jennys_mum

Judi wrote: »

Well i dont paint you like that at all but at the same time you gave away your independance the day you gave up your home to live with this man. He gave up his right to be selfish when he allowed you into his home. After all, you never know what is round the corner as he has found out.

One thing i have told my children... Never depend on someone else to put a roof over their heads without having a fool proof back up plan if it all goes pearshaped.

As you have found out, people who drink or who are on drugs are unpredictable and two faced. If your partner isnt going to protect you in his death. I would get your name down on the council housing list as soon as possible. Yes, you will have to start again but at least you will have a roof over your head.

Thank you and yes you're right I did give up everything, however at the time I had a well paid job and couldn't have forseen the disability as it came out of nowhere.

I have spent what little savings I have trying to help out and now I am broke. I just hope I manage to get DLA, although it's a nightmare. I have my physio, rheumatologist and gp behind me but sometimes even that isn't enough. If I can get something then I can at least save a little and yes, apply to the council.

System

do it now, not next week. I am presume you will have medical points for your disabilities.

If your serious about moving out, you need to get your partner to write a letter to the council saying you are not living together or are seperating. I cant remember the correct drill for this but i know my son had to go down this route when he seperated from his ex. It might be worth looking into.

If you dont want to move out, well it might stir up your partner to make a few decisions for the future. If they are not favourable to you, at least you will have made provisions for yourself.

DS4215

Mojisola wrote: »

His son will be able to get his hands on all his Dad's money through the intestacy rules.

Doesn't the son get his hands on his dads money *after* all debts and funeral expenses are taken out of it...

daska

DS4215 wrote: »

Doesn't the son get his hands on his dads money *after* all debts and funeral expenses are taken out of it...

No, because there is no-one to ensure that all the bills are paid other than the son as he is the one who will be entitled to apply for the letters of administration (it's not probate if there is no Will). Once that has been granted the money will be released to him.

OP, you are obviously in a precarious situation should anything happen to your partner, yes you could apply for support from the estate but that could be long-winded and expensive. Personally I'd be looking for alternative accommodation and re-evaluating - if your OH is committed to you he'll make the effort to understand your fears, if he doesn't then maybe you're better off apart. Not least because you will no longer have to deal with the stress of the son's unpredictable and violent behaviour.

Mojisola

DS4215 wrote: »

Doesn't the son get his hands on his dads money *after* all debts and funeral expenses are taken out of it...

If he does everything properly.

If he doesn't arrange a funeral, there won't be a bill. If he takes the money and ignores the letters about debts, he may get chased but, if he spends it before the law takes its course, there won't be anything left to pay them.

Mojisola

daska wrote: »

if your OH is committed to you he'll make the effort to understand your fears, if he doesn't then maybe you're better off apart.

I can see how your OH might have a rose-tinted glasses view of how his son would behave after the death but he's not being fair to you.

If he wants his son to inherit everything, he should be making that clear so that you know where you stand. If he wants to give you some security, he should make a will.

daska

Mojisola wrote: »

I can see how your OH might have a rose-tinted glasses view of how his son would behave after the death but he's not being fair to you.

If he wants his son to inherit everything, he should be making that clear so that you know where you stand. If he wants to give you some security, he should make a will.

To be fair, he may have assumed that a Will was unnecessary as they were getting married as that contract would make her the main beneficiary of his estate even if intestate. A lot of people believe that marriage makes further action unnecessary.

Mojisola

daska wrote: »

To be fair, he may have assumed that a Will was unnecessary as they were getting married as that contract would make her the main beneficiary of his estate even if intestate. A lot of people believe that marriage makes further action unnecessary.

But any potential marriage is some time in the future. The need for protection is now.