Stepson problems

jennys_mum

Hi, I really need some advice. I moved in with my partner 2yrs ago. I lived in rented accomodation and thought long and hard before I made my decision. I gave up everything to move in here, all my furniture, white goods etc were given to the ymca as there was no room for them here. I worked full time and I had a well paid job so with me paying for all the food, toiletries etc we were comfortably well off.

Anyway my partners 30yr old son moved in with us a year ago. Everything was ok at first, we all worked full time and his son was barely in the house. Just after christmas I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome then a month later with cervical spondylosis, ankylosing spondylytis and rheumatoid arthritis. I went downhill very quickly and had to leave my job. A fight for DLA began then and continues.

Then my partners son gave up work and that's when the problems began. First of all there was the drug abuse, then he was having a relationship with his cousin, leaving clothes lying around everywhere, loud music on constantly, generally a total lack of respect for me, my partner or the house. He got his girlfriend of a few weeks pregnant and I was hoping he might buck his ideas up and get back on track but then he started bringing other girls home. He sat around all day playing dj on his recording decks, deafening me while his girlfriend was working hard to pay for things for the baby. He spent his money on drugs. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and I was becoming more and more depressed. I got so that I stayed in bed all day with ear plugs pushed so tightly into my ears that I damaged my right ear canal. If I came downstairs the noise from the base made my heart pound so I found it easier to stay upstairs. I literally lost the will to live and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I'd ask him to turn it down which he would but then 10 minutes later he would turn it back up again.

I asked my partner to speak to him as my nerves were in tatters but he just said it's a waste of time as he doesn't listen to anyone and has always been like it.

A couple of weeks ago the son went in the bath and was in there for 2hrs, I was waiting to use the toilet and my partner asked him several times to get out as I needed the loo but he ignored him. In the end I'm ashamed to say I lost control of my bladder and I went upstairs and sobbed. My partner went mad at his son and I just flipped out. I went and told him exactly what I thought of him and he threatened to have someone beat me up. My partner threw him out and although he is ok with his Dad, he is now trying to split us up, saying I'm using him and he should throw me out. He said I did nothing around the house which I admit at the time I had been so down that I didn't lift a finger.

My partner is 60 next year and is shattered as he does a hard manual job and I am worried sick about his health. I couldn't bear to lose him and now I am worrying that if God forbid anything did happen that his son would kick me out of the house.

Sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense, I am in a bit of a state. Please, if anyone could give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it.

LisaLou1982

Didnt want to read and run - sounds like you need a big *hug*!
Your step son sounds incredibly selfish and not in a great place. Good job he has left as it will make things easier on you.

Do you have someone to support you with your DLA fight? I know these things are incredibly stressful

How are things between you and your OH generally? can you have a heart to heart about how you are feeling? xx

jennys_mum

We had a heart to heart on Sunday and all he said was I wouldn't be thrown out if anything happened to him, although I know he hasn't made any provisions. He has had years of his sons selfish behaviour and that's why he doesn't say anything anymore as he has tried everything in the book with him but nothing helps. We are fine and now he has gone we are getting back to normal. In 3 years the only thing we fought over was his son. Sins he left I am taking less medication and feeling better in myself.

I am waiting for someone from the DWP to contact me to help me to fill in the reconsideration forms. I rang this morning but I was told I just had to wait until I was contacted.

Thank you for replying.

Caroline_a

I think you need to have another heart to heart and explain to your partner that if anything happened to him then you would have no rights at all, and his son could throw you out, sell the house, turn it into a drug den... That's probably the last thing that you need to know or want to address, but it's probably easier meeting it head on now, rather than if something did happen.

Hugs from me too xx

jennys_mum

That's what I feared. He has no respect for anyone, not even himself. If he had any self respect he wouldn't be pushing that stuff up his nose. Thank you, it's nice to know there are people out there to talk to.

RAS

Hi

Please bear in mind that even if you are not listed in your OH's will, as a dependant, you can ask for provision from his estate if you dies. You need to know this now.

But when you talk to him, perhaps the best thing to request might be a life-time interest in the house, so you have somewhere to live. Just make sure the trustees do not include the SS?

jennys_mum

Thank you RAS, he hasn't made a will and doesn't intend to, he also refuses to buy life insurance. saying there will be enough money for his son to pay for his funeral. I can't seem to get it through to him that his son won't have access to his money if there is no will. Also, I wouldn't trust him not to draw all of his Dads money out and squander it.

londonsurrey

Your partner sounds like he's in la-la "well, I'll be alright" land. On what basis is he saying that you won't be thrown out, other than it rests easier on his mind for him to say so? Does he own the house, or are you named in the tenancy?

It's nice that there will be enough money to pay for his funeral - on that point he's right - one way or another, either someone pays for it, or the council will pay for it, and then claw the money back from his estate or pressure someone they can identify (you or his son) to pay for it.

However, the lack of a will means that he's just s*dding off and leaving a mess for everyone to deal with. I take it he's not much of a thinker or one for facing up to things?

*Robin*

jennys_mum wrote: »

Thank you RAS, he hasn't made a will and doesn't intend to, he also refuses to buy life insurance. saying there will be enough money for his son to pay for his funeral. I can't seem to get it through to him that his son won't have access to his money if there is no will. Also, I wouldn't trust him not to draw all of his Dads money out and squander it.

OP, how about you & partner getting married?

jennys_mum

I think he is assuming that his son will calm down and all will be fine and dandy. I don't generally hold grudges but if I never see his son again it will be too soon. I really need to talk to him again don't I and ask him what he thinks will happen in the event of his death. I also need to make some sort of provisions for myself should I need to move. Although at the moment with no personal income it is very difficult. My partner owns his house, although he does have another couple of yrs left on the mortgage having had to remortgage it when he and his ex wife split up.

We had planned on marrying this year but my illness and problems with his son set us back. However since all the troubles I have begun questioning whether I want to marry him although I still love him dearly.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'd just get hitched quietly. At least he has now seen what his son is like - get yourself hitched and get a will for both of you drawn up.

What a lad eh?