Brother & SIL woes

Hanging_by_a_thread

I always believe in being the bigger person in situations like this. If you dont feel able to phone and sincerely congratulate them then how about sending a card. You could wish them all the best for their impending arrival and sign the card from all your family. Enclose a recent picture of you all so they can be reminded that you also have kids that should be recognised and appreciated

DuckEggGingham

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Also, you mention that this involved IVF donor eggs - so assuming the news is to make a happy announcement, the baby will be part his, and part "A N Other's" won't it? So your congratulations can be genuinely happy for your brother, without involving any false emotions with regard to SIL.

Wow! That baby was born a LONG time ago in the hearts of the brother and sister in law no doubt! The egg donor just helped make that dream a reality! The baby will very much be a part of them BOTH!

What a cruel reaction!

lostinrates

tambourine wrote: »

Thanks all for your perspectives I am still thinking about what to do, but I know while SIL is in his life my relationship with him will always be this way. Believe me I have offered the olive branch on many an occasion and just when I thought I was getting somewhere it is thrown right back in my face as she is so unpredictable. They've been together so long now that she has totally changed him and our family agree he is not the person he once was, is full of himself and arrogant.
.

I don't think this is without bias.

I am sure she is a fright, but your brother is surely not some empty vessel at her control (and if he is then I would counter that the 'old' brother you think would have been a great dad might not have been). It's likely her communications with you make her less predictable and wary, and more stress and so behave worse, upseting you more, then feeding back and upsetting her more....a horrid vicious circle of increasingly damaged communication and bad feeling.

As she certainly sounds 'highly strung' (being charitable) and it might well be in her nature to be unpredictable (which , your brother might see balanced by, for example, spontaneity) I think you might have to see your predictable (which she might see as unbending) patience (which she might see as sneering or disapproving) will always be throroughly tested. BUT I don't think it's fair to blame her for his behaviour wholly. Almost certainly she influences him, but he is a grown man and if you can accept his responsibilty and absolve her of that perhaps your kind patience will be less...'stretched' when you have to grit your teeth to deal with them.

System

Ring your brother. If you dont you will be as petty as the SIL is. I know youve got good reason but your the better person.

You can then put the phone down and carry on as before. Maybe when they have a child of their own they will realize how selfish they have been.

red_devil

its difficult only hearing one side, i confirm that if you dont get on with your siblings partners then you lose out.

The sibling puts his/her marriage first and that is only right.

contact between familys should be consistent and all year round too. Nobody should be sent on a guilt trip becuase they didnt ring the sister they hadnt spoken to for years just because she had some news.

tambourine_2

Hanging_by_a_thread wrote: »

I always believe in being the bigger person in situations like this. If you dont feel able to phone and sincerely congratulate them then how about sending a card. You could wish them all the best for their impending arrival and sign the card from all your family. Enclose a recent picture of you all so they can be reminded that you also have kids that should be recognised and appreciated

OH also suggested congratulating them in a christmas card, but then the worry is I'll drop my sister/parents in it for telling me in the first place as it's 'their news'. SIL really is a minefield, we have all tried extremely hard with her, but don't know where you stand from one day to the next:undecided. I can't speak for how he has changed as we have not been in contact, but my parents, gran and sister all say this independently of each other. SIL has no consideration for anyone apart from herself and even refers to our family as dysfunctional; with her family background that is the biggest joke. Weighing everything up my decision is going to have to be to not to call back, partly because I have left it so long, but also because "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all". If he calls again and I'm home, I'll take the call and deal with it then. I'm also going to consider a congratulatory christmas card, discussing it with my parents first as I don't want to drop them in it and give SIL any excuse to cut them off from their grandchild (this is a worrying likelihood). I have already accepted that I will probably never meet my nephew/niece unless it suits SIL, but as they have never acknowledged my kids, mine only know that they have an Uncle XX who lives a long way away:(.

To quote what a wise person once told me "blood maybe thicker than water, but it certainly boils much quicker".

red_devil

families are so wonderful not.

My oh dosent speak to his brother and sister but they are as thick as thieves.

oh brother phoned the other day demanding oh speak to his sister and ring her as she had some news. Oh hasnt spoken to her for 6 years and has no intention of starting now. He wont be told too either by upstart of a brother.

As soon as my oh says he wasnt phonging his sister, his brother went mad and said i will never speak to you again and rang off.

Thank god for that hope we now have rid of them for good so does oh.

What a way to carry on one sibling demanding another one phone another one. Totally destructive siblings.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

red_devil wrote: »

life is also to short to try and forge relationships with people when it dosent work out whether that be friends or family.

That won't help the guilt she'd feel if she didn't try.:(

AMD

Person_one

AMILLIONDOLLARS wrote: »

That won't help the guilt she'd feel if she didn't try.:(

AMD

Why should she necessarily feel guilty?

Not everyone buys into the 'family is everything' myth.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

red_devil wrote: »

families are so wonderful not.

My oh dosent speak to his brother and sister but they are as thick as thieves.

oh brother phoned the other day demanding oh speak to his sister and ring her as she had some news. Oh hasnt spoken to her for 6 years and has no intention of starting now. He wont be told too either by upstart of a brother.

As soon as my oh says he wasnt phonging his sister, his brother went mad and said i will never speak to you again and rang off.

Thank god for that hope we now have rid of them for good so does oh.

What a way to carry on one sibling demanding another one phone another one. Totally destructive siblings.

Seems like you are using your experience to advise the OP on how to conduct their relationship with their sibling, no two relationships are the same, whereby you have written off yours, the same can't be said of the OP and if there is a possibilty of them reconciling I woud advise them to give it their best shot.

AMD