Brother & SIL woes

tambourine_2

I am not a newbie, just posting under a different username. Please don’t take the p1ss as it’s a toughie dilemma for me that’s causing me great stress and anxiety...

I was close to my brother until in his late teens he met his now wife. SIL is a strange person who seems to be threatened by anyone else in his life especially mum, me & my sister, but we have all tried hard to be understanding towards her and we appreciate she had a difficult upbringing. Unfortunately my relationship with them completely broke down many years ago when she tried to ruin my wedding and subsequently, after giving her numerous chances, I refused to tolerate her unpredictable manner any longer. My parents continue to put up with her behaviour and defend them, as they are scared to death of losing their only son altogether, even though she has been absolutely awful to mum on many occasions.

The relationship had already broken down before they were living abroad, so when I finally became pregnant, after 3 years of trying, we were happy for mum to tell them during a visit there and all they could do was make mum feel dreadful by retorting that they had been trying for longer and apparently had been having IVF since being away (on her student visa?). A few months after that we reached the lowest point ever and things were said that couldn’t be taken back. They have never sent cards for my kids births or birthdays (except completely out of the blue on one birthday). Then, 3 years later, we went overseas and my brother who had since returned to the UK did come to say goodbye with my beaming parents in tow.

Since that olive branch our relationship existed on a Christmas card only basis, but to make a bit of an effort I always took time to include a note and a picture of the kids, which I know he appreciated as he phoned me once on my birthday and we talked readily about some of the things written, butfinally after about 5 years of not receiving a Christmas card backI gave up completely.

My sister maintains a very weak relationship with him as she doesn’t want to completely lose touch - to quote her words “it’s got to be on their terms or nothing” - and gets Christmas, anniversary, birth cards and much to her annoyance, as she knows my mum has constantly badgered him, her kids get the odd birthday card. My parents rarely say anything about them to me and when they visit I don’t get told, but mum makes my sister aware and she’ll make an effort to go see them there. Sometimes my sister lets slip about things and during their most recent visit they announced they were having a baby after having IVF using donor eggs. A few weeks on and today I found a message left at the weekend by my brother asking me to call him back. I know what he’s going to say and I’d really like to be pleased for them, but the fact is they have never acknowledged my kids even though I had difficulties too including miscarriages. I feel terrible as I understand exactly how it feels to see everyone around you becoming pregnant when you can’t and I know that they and my parents are over the moon, but if I return his call I just don’t know what to say. I can’t be a part time sister to someone who only bothers with me when they have something they want to say.

Should I ring? I really just don’t know what to do - I don’t know him anymore, but obviously he is my brother and I still love him. OH can’t offer any advice and if I say anything to my parents they will just think I’m being selfish or bitter as “that’s just SIL”. If I ring I don’t feel I can congratulate them wholeheartedly and would just be going through the motions saying things I don’t mean. Obviously he’s excited, but I’m in turmoil and know this is an awful thing to say, but she is of such a cruel nature I hate to think how she will treat this child especially if it detracts my brother’s attention away from her.

balletshoes

I would ring - its your brother and you love him (thats what you said in your post).
When my brother and his girlfriend announced over the phone to me that they were having a baby, I made all the right noises, even though I knew it wasn't likely that they'd be playing happy families for long. I'm sure he's not looking for your judgement or your blessing, he's just keeping you in the loop.

newcook

He is also offering an olive branch by calling you – if you don’t call him back it will look a bit of ‘well, I did leave a message for you to call but you never did’ etc.

You don’t have to go as far as playing the doting aunty and send loads of presents and cards on special occasions but give him a call and congratulate him.

downsizer3

They haven't acted well in the past but don't let that stop you from doing the right thing. Rise above it and make the call - really hard I know and you don't need to become best buddies - but try to accept even this small step forward.

tea_lover

This could be the chance for a new start between your families. Or it could end up as more of the same. Either way, I think you'd regret it eventually if you didn't call him back, however things turn out.

onlyroz

I think you need to separate how you feel about your SIL from how you feel about your brother. Forget about her and decide if you want to remain in touch with *him*.

podperson

I think it depends on what you want to happen in the future. Do you want to have a relationship with your brother - baring in mind that it's probably unlikely they will suddenly change so it will generally be on their terms. Or do you want to carry on not seeing/speaking to them as it seems you're doing at the moment.
You say you don't like the idea of being a 'part time sister' but it's looks like it's probably this or nothing, so you need to think about whether you can lower your expectations of what your brother can be to you in exchange for having at least some kind of relationship with him and your new niece or nephew.

Mado

I would call him.
He is still your bother.
On the subject of cards, can you maybe consider it from another perspective? You mention she is from abroad.
I'm from the continent and there we don't do cards. It's not that i don't care; it's just that it's not the done thing.
I try to remember, but it just doesn't come naturally to me.
I know of my SIL appears to have been mortally wounded on the subject as unfortunately, my OH doesn't always remember.
So whilst I am sure SIL believes we don't send cards because I am nasty (never had a real problem with her but we are not close at all and I know she is jealous of my MIL's relationship with my children), it has very little to do with that. They quickly stopped sending cards to my kids too, and frankly it means nothing to me (or the kids for that matter).

The rare times we see them i know that OH enjoys his brother's company, and so do I if I'm honest. She tends to act like a death eater around me though. I remain polite and always avoid controversy with her, but the less you talk to someone the less you have to say to them.

lostinrates

It's possible he is calling to tell you not they are having a baby but that they lost one.


My siblings in law and I have a very difficult relationship. I 'love' them out of duty to my husband, and love them most easily from afar.

As you and your sil, we have been brought up dramatically differently and for each way they grate against me I do the same to them.

My resolve has been that while I would never, ever, ever do anythiong to impact on the relationship with dh....something I love about him is his love for them, I do not see that I have to be involved in it. We had a new baby in the family ( ie one of the siblings in law have) and I have sent over (they live in another country) beautiful things that I hope they will like, and against my better judgement I have invited the other one for a days over the Christmas break, hopefully the partner will come which will make it less...intense. I will have loads that I can get on with that day so if my teeth start to grind I can leave lunch ready and head out to catch up on the chores leaving dh to have some quality time with his sibling (that's the plan anyway).

I tend to find when they are in the country I am terribly, terribly busy.

red_devil

i would not bother.At the end of the day if you do not get on with your brothers wife then you have lost him. His priority at the end of the day should be her and will be and rightly so.

Harsh maybe but true.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Give him a call, he is your brother, if anything should happen to him you would regret not doing so.? Life is too short to hold a grudge.

AMD