Brother & SIL woes

marisco_2

tambourine wrote: »

I can’t be a part time sister to someone who only bothers with me when they have something they want to say.

The sentence I have quoted above sums it all up doesn't it. He has treated you badly for years and made it painfully clear that he doesn't care about you or your children. An awful way to carry on and very hurtful. Why should you show any care or thought for him now. He will learn the hard way that you cannot pick up and drop people as you please then expect them to be thrilled and take an interest in your life when it suits you.

Also I cant help but think that if you did call you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Picture it, you call, get all excited and happy for them, support them emotionally through the pregnancy and early days when the baby arrives. Then they decide they have had enough of you again and pull all contact. By this time you will have fallen in love with your new niece or nephew. How would that make you feel? Dont set yourself up for a fall hun. Steer clear.

balletshoes

from what the OP has said, I think this -

troubleinparadise wrote: »

I'd phone him - as that's all that's really required anyway. It isn't going to mean that you suddenly start spending holidays together, is it?
All you'll be doing is phoning him, and hopefully being able to congratulate him on becoming a father......Then following the previous pattern, all will go quiet again until the safe arrival. Another phone call of congratulations, then silence again.... Status quo!

is more likely to be the scenario. Can you do that OP?

Yorkie1

I would rise above their previous behaviour and be the better person by ringing him.

gocurlygirl

Hello,for many years my brother and sil hardly contacted us,I would buy their children bday, xmas presents etc and we would rarely receive anything-my oldest daughter queried this and my children felt it to be unfair.
TBH we drifted apart a bit living a long way from each other.
Now he needs us in his life-divorce looming,debt, loneliness and illness all playing a part.
a friend of mine recently lost her brother and regrets not making up with him-life is too short to have regrets
I would accept/offer the olive branch,he will always be your brother,you dont have to be in his pocket or talk every week,Who knows the sister in law may become a happier person with this good news.
Only you know but if you have these feelings for him, call him

cannyscot_2

Is it possible that he wants to say that the years of infertility have made her pretty bonkers and yes she was downright nasty to you because she resented you having a child?

Whilst I too have a mad family member id rather not deal with -they are family and often we dont see what others put up with? I gave up my job and became a student in order to have a baby-no one except my hubbie knew and my SIL treated me badly and it took me a long while to forgive her and her mother. Peoples lives are complicated by problems and history, what is easy is that it is your brother and you would hate this situation if it were your child. You need to set the example to your child and act the very best you can.

tambourine_2

Thanks all for your perspectives I am still thinking about what to do, but I know while SIL is in his life my relationship with him will always be this way. Believe me I have offered the olive branch on many an occasion and just when I thought I was getting somewhere it is thrown right back in my face as she is so unpredictable. They've been together so long now that she has totally changed him and our family agree he is not the person he once was, is full of himself and arrogant.

If she simply forgot I wouldn't mind, but they manage to send cards to my parents & sister and of course SIL's family even get presents. We strongly suspect that they weren't even trying for a baby/having IVF when I first got pregnant as they had only been living abroad for a short time on her student visa and that would have meant they would have had to come home. It's just the sort of thing she does all the time to make everyone else feel guilty and bad for her.

I have thought through the idea of calling and saying congratulations through gritted teeth just to be the better person, but I'm really not sure that is reason enough. The old bro I knew would make a lovely daddy, so part of me is pleased for him, but this baby will be nothing to me as I'm unlikely to even get to meet it and in the meantime all I'm likely to hear from my parents is how hard poor SIL's got it with her pregnancy/labour/raising baby, etc. After years of trying for a baby myself, miscarriages, PND and crutches with SPD I know what it's like, but no-one will have had it so rough and I'm still not sure I can call up and congratulate without wanting to have a dig about their total lack of interest in my family.

SuzieSue

tambourine wrote: »

Thanks all for your perspectives I am still thinking about what to do, but I know while SIL is in his life my relationship with him will always be this way. Believe me I have offered the olive branch on many an occasion and just when I thought I was getting somewhere it is thrown right back in my face as she is so unpredictable. They've been together so long now that she has totally changed him and our family agree he is not the person he once was, is full of himself and arrogant.

If she simply forgot I wouldn't mind, but they manage to send cards to my parents & sister and of course SIL's family even get presents. We strongly suspect that they weren't even trying for a baby/having IVF when I first got pregnant as they had only been living abroad for a short time on her student visa and that would have meant they would have had to come home. It's just the sort of thing she does all the time to make everyone else feel guilty and bad for her.

I have thought through the idea of calling and saying congratulations through gritted teeth just to be the better person, but I'm really not sure that is reason enough. The old bro I knew would make a lovely daddy, so part of me is pleased for him, but this baby will be nothing to me as I'm unlikely to even get to meet it and in the meantime all I'm likely to hear from my parents is how hard poor SIL's got it with her pregnancy/labour/raising baby, etc. After years of trying for a baby myself, miscarriages, PND and crutches with SPD I know what it's like, but no-one will have had it so rough and I'm still not sure I can call up and congratulate without wanting to have a dig about their total lack of interest in my family.

From what you have said, I think it would be best not to contact them as they cause you too much stress. Sometimes, it is best to cut ties with people if they are so difficult regardless of whether they are family or not.

My OH has a very difficult sister and after years to stuggling to get on with her, he just doesn't contact her any more and it is the best thing he has ever done. Sometimes people just don't get on and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

FatVonD

I don't think you should phone, just drop him an email saying 'hey, heard your news, congratulations!' and leave it at that. You'll not have ignored them but you'll not be put on the spot or tempted to say something they can hold against you.

balletshoes

OP if you don't think you can congratulate them and leave it at that, then don't call. And don't beat yourself up over it either.

Sambucus_Nigra

Agreed, but don't forget that this person you are congratulating them for will be your niece or nephew and might just be totally fantastic and in need of an auntie one day.