Dad dilemma :(

cats2012

Hey guys,

Just to clarify a bit here - I think the cravat is less of the issue really (my OH has just compromised) but instead a) it masks other underlying issues I'm worried will cause a problem and b) my Dad was incredibly blunt and tbh quite rude about how he told us he wouldn't wear it - I quote - "we need to talk - I'm not wearing it - non negotiable"

We're not the sort of people to be fussy about what ppl where - all my BMs are in different dresses, it was more the absolute refusal of something so minor that my OH would have really liked.

Dekazer

Are Scotsbride and Floss2's suggestions any good? A tie that matches the colour of the cravat? Dads in ties, groom and best man in cravats?

Or, another idea, would your Dad be happy in a matching buttonhole? It's just pinned on so not uncomfortable, and a traditional wedding thing..

Hope you get it all sorted

nickyhutch

Why does it matter so much to your OH?

floss2

nickyhutch wrote: »

Why does it matter so much to your OH?

Probably the same reason that most brides want a bridal gown to get married in...it feels traditional.

My DH suprised me by wanting cravat & long jackets when we married - I had thought he'd wear his kilt as he already had one but he said he wanted to be traditional on his wedding day.

seashore22

Okydoky25 wrote: »

I totally see where your OH is coming from and I think if my dad had behaved like this I would have been really upset and angry. If he doesn't like traditions tell him your mum will be walking you down the aisle then.

Ill prob get jumped on for that but I really don't see any excuse its your day not his. My Dad also suffers from depression, he dreaded doing a speech at my wedding from the day I got engaged but he did it.

But it's not traditional to have all the men in the wedding party wearing the same outfit. It's a fairly recent thing. When we got married in the 80's people generally just wore their best suit and maybe matching ties.

My daughter has just got married and the groom bought a very nice suit, my husband bought one in a matching colour and the groom's father, ushers and best man all had matching hire suits. They also had colour coordinated ties, but no cravats.

My dad didn't give a speech at my wedding because he just couldn't do it. It wasn't a problem.

Wouldn't it be better for everyone to feel comfortable and happy on the day, especially if your dad has depression. My husband would have worn a cravat if the groom insisted (we aren't that stubborn) but he would have hated it and looked ridiculous.

Roz_V

My OH hired a morning suit with waistcoat, cravat etc - the full works, but my dad absolutely refused to wear a waistcoat or cravat (and wasn't particularly polite about how he told us). In the end (after a lot of "negotiation"), both mine & OHs dad hired a standard black suit & silver tie (silver wasn't one of the wedding colours but dad refused to wear pink :mad:) - I have to say it looked smart on the day.

We didn't have any speeches as OH didn't want to do one - I thought it would have been nice but he really doesn't like speaking in public so I didn't pressure him, and I don't think any of the guests even noticed :rotfl:

quinechinoise

I don't understand the fuss at all. If you dad is willing to wear a tie, get a tie in the same colour as the cravats and everyone will match just fine.

lilmissreading

Oh cats2012, I think the controversy and different opinions from people not even going to your wedding show how tricky this is!

Personally, my husband, best man and both dads wore cravats and only he and his best man wore matching suits. We asked the rest of the wedding party to wear grey suits and the ushers had ties in matching colours. My family drove me nuts with whether things were co-ordinating or not (I didn't care, they did), so you are not alone with this.

There are 2 main options aren't there?

1) Your OH compromises
2) Your Dad compromises

Your main issue appears to be that it is not about the cravat but what the cravat means? Is there a worry that if you compromise on this, that you will end up compromising on other things later on? One suggestion to your Dad might be that he'll stand out less looking the same as everyone? Or does he want to stand out as your Dad and someone important to you? He may be feeling ambivalent as this is important to him but because he's depressed he wants to stand out on the one hand, and doesn't on the other.

Can you have a chat with your OH and work out what really matters to the two of you with regards to his role? I wrote my Dad's speech as he tends towards 'saying the wrong thing' and making inappropriate jokes. However, he made it his own and it was great. Maybe your Dad nears to hear from both of you why this is important to you so he really understands.

Would your mum be able to help? She can be your inside mole, drip feeding him suggestions e.g. 'well just go and try on the cravat maybe it won't be as bad as you think' etc.

Most importantly, you, your OH and Dad need to ask yourselves, when I look back in 5 years will this matter? Will I think it was worth this stress?

However, I know this is easier said than done. We got married in September. Having thought I had a relatively normal family, they all went super nuts during the 8 months we were married and appear to have settled down now it's over.

Good luck and most importantly remember, the wedding is the start of the marriage and it WILL be the best day EVER even if something does go wrong along the way or on the day. Nothing will matter other than each other once the day gets going.

Scotsbride

I think that both your OH and your Dad are both v stressed and nervous about the wedding. personally begining to think that has more to do with things other than a cravat! They need to sit down and talk and work things out before the wedding! You all need to be on the same page talk about your stresses and worries as you will need each others support. Your Dad is nervous because he's giving his little girl away and in his heart wants her day to be her day and doesn't want himself to be the centre of attention. Your OH wants it to be about you both and perfect for you! At the end of the day you as hard as it is have got to decided which is more important they both match in carvats or they don't. Having been there and forgotten hair grips for the BMs so they matched on the night before realised it didn't matter and used one of the spare flowers for my hair for my sister and it worked really well. Weddings don't go to plan things will happen remember the most important thing is you saying your vows. So don't stress the little things.

apesxx

i dont see why your dad has to have a cravat, could you not compromise with a tie in the matching colour to the cravat?