Dad dilemma :(

cats2012

Hi guys,

Bit of a deep one sorry and it's a long story so I'm going to try and cut it as small as possible.

We're getting married in March and yesterday we finally got my OH a suit - yey! He doens't own a nice suit so he's getting his own tailor made which is expensive but he deserves it and needs one for other weddings, job interviews etc. We're going to dress it up with cravat, waistcoat, button hole flowers etc. But, even though he's bought his suit rather than hired, he really wants his wedding party to match. We're not having a big wedding so he just has his Dad, my Dad, his best man and his cousin to co-ordinate with suits the company does to hire.

My Dad has been saying for ages he wants to buy a suit too. Mainly because he needs one, but also because he just doesn't get the whole co-ordinating wedding party thing. He's not the most sociable man and him and Mum (who is excited btw) haven't been to a wedding for years so he just doesn't understand all the "fuss" in his words. I've spoke to OH and he's willing (albeit reluctantly) for my Dad to buy a suit as long as it's the same colour - which is fine. However my Dad is now turning round and refusing to wear a cravat in the wedding colour as he "doesn't do cravats" and would wear a tie but nothing more.

I'm at my wits end! I love my Dad to bits and he has had a horrible year and has depression atm and is really struggling (he's already told me he's dreading bits of the wedding because he can't deal with big groups of people at the moment) so I have tried my best to negotiate with OH on the suit itself because I really want him to be happy and comfortable but this is just too far. My OH is on antidepressants as well as he regularly has SAD and then in the last few months his job has gone down the toilet to the point where he was dreading going every day, plus he lost his grandad who he was very close to. And it's his wedding day!!!! I'm literally between a rock and a hard place

My OH really wants everyone in the same hired suit next to him, I've already tried to change this for my Dad but no cravat is a joke. It's the only thing in the wedding my OH massively cares about, he doesn't have a big group of friends to be ushers or anything. Neither of us have ever done anything "traditional" or "fussy" in our lives but this is the one time we want to, so yes he wants a matching wedding party!

Sorry for the rant, please help

EDIT: Please read some of my responses further down, I am not going to force my Dad into something he hates!!

74jax

It's not a rant, just how it is. So don't feel bad.

I am with your dad on this on. I too don't understand fuss or matching outfits. However if I was a bridesmaid and the bride wanting matching outfits then that is what we would all wear. It's not my wedding, it's the brides.

Did your dad know when he agreed to be part of the wedding party what was expected of him? Maybe he got carried away and now is realizing everything.

If your dad needs a suit anyway, it is a good idea to buy a suit he wants for the wedding and the future. Are you paying for the suit hire? If so then generally he doesn't get a final say in the outfit. When I got married my dad refused to wear top hat or a cravat, so he just wore something he already had. He said he would feel silly.

If he doesn't want to make a speech could you cut that or have a friend say something?

bossymoo

Why not just have the best man matching? If the others are ushers, perhaps you can get them tie and button hole in same colour? Depression is a law unto itself (meant kindly) and rational discussion won't apply here. What's important is that people are there with you to share the day.
Best wishes for your future together.

cats2012

Thanks guys. Really get what you're both saying. And I know people don't really get the fuss about matching (tbh I don't completely) but my OH wants it and as he doesn't have any ushers the Dads are pretty crucial.

I know you're right about it not being a big deal, but it is to my OH and I just don't know what to do. I can't believe how adamant my Dad is about it, we haven't demanded anything of anyone really in our whole lives and this is the one day we just wanted it "right"

Miss_Havisham

why not leave it alone for a few weeks, perhaps until after Christmas ? Dad might mull it over if he thinks the issue has "gone away" and doesn't feel under pressure to conform.

Could your OH's dad talk him round, perhaps by taking your dad out to buy/hire their suits together ?

Whatever happens please don't let it spoil your big day.

Miss H

Okydoky25

I totally see where your OH is coming from and I think if my dad had behaved like this I would have been really upset and angry. If he doesn't like traditions tell him your mum will be walking you down the aisle then.

Ill prob get jumped on for that but I really don't see any excuse its your day not his. My Dad also suffers from depression, he dreaded doing a speech at my wedding from the day I got engaged but he did it.

74jax

Okydoky25 wrote: »

I totally see where your OH is coming from and I think if my dad had behaved like this I would have been really upset and angry. If he doesn't like traditions tell him your mum will be walking you down the aisle then.

I'm not sure the tone in which you come across would be right for the situation, but you do have a good point. Maybe your dad is dreading this part too, would he be relieved and feel happier if someone else walked you down the aisle?

Like you say, he has had a terrible year, and admitted he is dreading parts of the wedding. He still loves you, and will be so proud of you, but his illness isn't allowing him to play the part he would like too.

I don't agree that you should be annoyed just because someone doesn't want to be as involved as you want them to be. It's your wedding so everything to you, others may see it differently.

I think it's lovely you are trying to sort this, but in reality you OH and dad don't agree. So maybe you can't sort it yourself.

As it stands your OH is upset, your dad will be anxious and your feeling carp. Yet your wedding is 3 months away.

I'd try and put it on the backburner for the rest of year.

cats2012

More great advice thank you :-) and on both sides too! I think maybe the answer is to say that my oh is obviously not going to changet what he wants, because why should he, but if my dad doesn't want to join in that's his choice. I'll obviously be disappointed if he doesn't look the part but i won't make my oh compromise either.

I sort of just wish i knew how much of this was the depression versus just how my dad is. My gut says this would have happened anyway! But obviously i don't want to push it when he's struggling anyway.

We were having such simple wedding planning until now!!!

cats2012

Oh and thank you 74jax - i hope i can forget it for a while but my dad was saying he would go get his suit next week now that oh has his. Hmm, maybe we'll just order him the matching stuff and he can then pretty much choose on the day whether to wear it.

74jax

cats2012 wrote: »

More great advice thank you :-) and on both sides too! I think maybe the answer is to say that my oh is obviously not going to changet what he wants, because why should he, but if my dad doesn't want to join in that's his choice. I'll obviously be disappointed if he doesn't look the part but i won't make my oh compromise either.

I sort of just wish i knew how much of this was the depression versus just how my dad is. My gut says this would have happened anyway! But obviously i don't want to push it when he's struggling anyway.

We were having such simple wedding planning until now!!!

:T:T yey excellent result.

It doesn't really matter how much is illness based, if it was just going to happen anyway.

This will be your only hiccup I'm sure. We all have them.

daisiegg

To be completely honest, I agree with you dad too. I don't 'get' weddings where you have a line of men all dressed the same. For ours, my OH and his best man will be matching, my dad will be in a kilt, and my brother (who I suppose is a bit of an usher) will be either in a kilt if my parents can persuade him (and then that would match my dad but only because it would be our family tartan!) or in another, non matching suit if my parents can't persuade him. They would all have the same buttonholes to 'bring them together' though.

However.....and it's a big however....we all go on about how, when the bride has her heart set on something that seems silly to others, if it doesn't hurt anyone people should just jolly well do it because it is 'her big day'...well, it is his big day too! Maybe he is having a groomzilla moment :rotfl: I agree with the others who say to let this simmer down for a few weeks if you possibly can. Everyone knows how when you are depressed, the smallest things take on huge significance. Maybe if everyone mellows out over Christmas a bit you may be able to approach it again...

On another note, you haven't mentioned your mum, are she and your dad together? (Or if not, does he have a partner?) Just wondered if getting her 'on side' could help if she could gently and sensitively persuade your dad.