Am I just being stupidly unfair?

daisiegg

caeler wrote: »

With Christmas coming up maybe it is a good opportunity to get to know OH Sister's OH? That way he won't be a stranger at your wedding. My cousin bought his girlf to my wedding and they've long since split up and she's in all the pictures. Wish I'd done a few family only ones!

I often think about the fact that I am in all the pics of my ex's sister's wedding! We had been together four years and everyone (including me) thought it would be forever. A year later he cheated on me and left me for the new girl....I know it's mean but I smile when I think of the fact that if his new girlfriend ever sees his sister's wedding pics (which are ALL over their mum's house) I'm in them!

But it has also taught me that I will be careful about the pics at my own wedding and make sure there are enough with just family and not potentially temporary partners in them...

cats2012

Sorry if this isn't relevant but are you having a daytime and evening thing? We aren't having any plus ones in the day unless we know them really well but are telling people they're welcome to join them for the evening.

Just an idea...

DevilsAdvocate1

thelittlestranger wrote: »

Sorry I'm having a thick moment... so your now sister in law didn't sit at the immediate family tables when you got married? Sorry I have the wrong end of the stick!!! If that is the case, how did you come to that decision (if you don't mind me asking).

I would be more than happy for him for my OH's sister's boyfriend to come in the evening as I'm quite happy for anyone to come in the evening, including my own sister's OH. It's just the day. I wanted it to be small and intimate and just our close families I suppose? We haven't got enough money unfortunately to offer everyone a plus one. I didn't realise there was any sort of etiquette to plus ones for bridal party but I could be wrong!

We had a top table and there was no room for R. to sit there. It had myself, new husband, best man (R.''s husband), both my parents, both my husbands parents and I think the bridesmaids.

It was pretty much the same when R. married her husband. I was introduced to the next door neighbours about 3 weeks before the wedding and they were the only people I knew on the table I was seated at. I did know others at the wedding, but for whatever reason I was unable to be seated with them.

Thinking about it, this happens at most weddings, does it not? I remember taking my cousins girlfriend under my wing at a wedding where he was being best man to his brother. I was introduced to the girlfriend at the church and told she knew no one on the table!

jen49

thelittlestranger wrote: »

I apologise in advance for this being a long post and if it just seems pathetic but this whole thing has gotten under my skin and I need an unbiased point of view.

I am marrying my OH next April. I already have a 'difficult' family situation. My parents are divorced and detest each other pretty much. One of my sisters (also a bridesmaid) has an awful OH who she lives with. He has endangered her in the past and my other younger sister (drink driving) and has also been verbally abusive to my mum along with a string of offences. My sister and I still remain very close and I have taken the view that if she is happy it is not for me to be involved and keep putting my nose in.

My OH sister is also going to be a bridesmaid. This is where the problems begin.

Whilst out last night, she told me, not my OH, she was bringing her boyfriend as her plus one. This had come up before at a family gathering a few months ago. Someone asked if her boyfriend would be coming and my OH mum said 'yes' for us.

Now of course it would be obvious that he would come to some, but my OH and I have met this guy once since they have been together, which is a few months now I suppose. It's not that I like/dislike him, I just genuinely don't know him at all. We literally just said hello when we first met!

So last night, she tells me she's bringing her OH as a plus one. He lives miles away so she said that he's planning on buying his train tickets like... next week so that they would be cheap.

When we left, I said to my OH I found this a bit presumptuous. My reasons were:

1. We are already very slightly over the maximum number of people we are allowed at the ceremony in the day. Having him is pushing our luck.
2. Because of my family situation, we are not having a top table, meaning we need more tables with less people. Where would we put him? I find it a bit rude to bring him on to one of the main tables with immediate family when I have other blood relatives I see more often right at the back and far away from us.
3. We are paying for everything for our bridesmaids. She has NO idea how much this is costing without adding more people to it.
4. My mum and I kind of made the decision that my sister's OH wouldn't be coming due to his drinking problem and the fact he hasn't apologised to my family at all and risked the lives of my sisters. But this hasn't been written in stone yet as such. I would feel terrible that my sister would find out that her OH can't come but my OH's sister's boyfriend can come when I don't know him.

The problem is... my OH doesn't see the issue. He has always been like this and believes that there's no point in saying anything, it'll just make matters worse.

I'm feeling so upset because I feel everyone (not just this time around) is making decisions for us. This is our day, why can no one see that?! I'm starting to not want a wedding which is awful. I want to marry my OH more than anything but a wedding just seems way too much hassle.

You've said yourself ITS YOUR DAY you invite who YOU and your man want to share YOUR SPECIAL DAY with

74jax

If you don't want him there then you need to let him know now before he buys his ticket. If you know he 'thinks' he is invited (even if you haven't invited him...) then I think the 'right' thing to do is let him know before he forks out the cost of his ticket.

Plus 1's are very tricky, and you get a vast array of differing views (but isn't that why you come to a forum).

I don't agree with people saying 'it's just 1 person'. We are having a small wedding and inviting plus 1s isn't an option we are giving. I want to look out at my guests and know everyone there, so unfortunately that means no plus 1s in some instances.

For our evening reception, we are more relaxed and plus 1s are invited. Maybe you could compromise on that? It isn't a money issue with us (daytime is £10 a head, evening £25 a head), it is purely at our wedding we want those closest to us there, during the evening it is more extended friends...

I think your post shows that things are perhaps getting a little fraught? Remember it's your wedding day, you can have things how you like it and don't have to be pushed into anything you really don't want to.

My OH and I are paying for our wedding so have total control and aren't afraid to have the day WE want. I know I posted a while ago mentioning the tale of my friend who couldn't believe we weren't laying on taxi's so said she could only come to the night do, not the day part. Yes I was disappointed but didn't rush out and lay taxi's on. She then mentioned something about the wedding several weeks later and I had to say that she said she wasn't going to go and so unfortunately there was no place now as I had filled the numbers.

I don't get what it is with weddings and how people feel they can comment and say what they want. YOU are inviting THEM to spend your very special day with you.

thelittlestranger

I REALLY appreciate all your thoughts and opinions, and I'm so grateful for you all taking the time to reply.

I've had a chat with my OH and it turns out he's actually more affected than I thought. I took the point that yes it is one person and I don't want to put him in an awkward position as well as myself. But he actually turned round and said that the way she has gone about it isn't fair at all.

I have already suggested him coming to the evening too and my OH seems quite keen to see if he can talk to his family into this. I'm hoping we can talk to them before these train tickets are bought. Didn't even know you could get them 5 months in advance!

It's strange because we are paying for the majority of our day (family helping out with little things here and there) but I just feel that everyone has all these opinions and it's difficult as my OH and I are a couple that try to keep the peace and whatnot and wouldn't want to upset anyone.

Thanks everyone, honestly. You've made me see that yes, it is just one person, but for us a couple, it's not just a matter of it being one person for us as we want that intimacy of our close family more than anything. x

thelittlestranger

74jax wrote: »

If you don't want him there then you need to let him know now before he buys his ticket. If you know he 'thinks' he is invited (even if you haven't invited him...) then I think the 'right' thing to do is let him know before he forks out the cost of his ticket.

Plus 1's are very tricky, and you get a vast array of differing views (but isn't that why you come to a forum).

I don't agree with people saying 'it's just 1 person'. We are having a small wedding and inviting plus 1s isn't an option we are giving. I want to look out at my guests and know everyone there, so unfortunately that means no plus 1s in some instances.

For our evening reception, we are more relaxed and plus 1s are invited. Maybe you could compromise on that? It isn't a money issue with us (daytime is £10 a head, evening £25 a head), it is purely at our wedding we want those closest to us there, during the evening it is more extended friends...

I think your post shows that things are perhaps getting a little fraught? Remember it's your wedding day, you can have things how you like it and don't have to be pushed into anything you really don't want to.

My OH and I are paying for our wedding so have total control and aren't afraid to have the day WE want. I know I posted a while ago mentioning the tale of my friend who couldn't believe we weren't laying on taxi's so said she could only come to the night do, not the day part. Yes I was disappointed but didn't rush out and lay taxi's on. She then mentioned something about the wedding several weeks later and I had to say that she said she wasn't going to go and so unfortunately there was no place now as I had filled the numbers.

I don't get what it is with weddings and how people feel they can comment and say what they want. YOU are inviting THEM to spend your very special day with you.

Just wanted to say I think I need to print off your signature and get it tattoed on me lol! x

Idiophreak

Oh goodness, the more I read threads like these, the happier I am that we didn't bother with tables at our wedding...what a lot of hassle!

Seriously, OP, you're thinking things to death here. Just do what you want...it's *really* that easy.

We decided early on that we would invite people, their partners and family, just because it's nicer for people to have at least *someone* they know to share the day with, so +1s were never an issue with us - but we did have problems with work colleagues....who is in, who is out? Should we invite everyone in our teams? How about our bosses? People I'd worked with for longest? In the end, we decided to do the only sensible thing you can do - and invited exactly the people we wanted there and nobody else. Really was that easy. The people I like at work that weren't invited understand that you can't invite everyone...the people I don't like...well, I don't really care how they felt about it.

Invite OH's sister's OH...she obviously wants him there. If that means he has to sit on a table at the back with your school friends, so be it. Don't invite your sister's OH. If she asks why OH's sister gets a +1 and she doesn't, the words "drink driving douchebag" should clear up the confusion...

If OH's sister's "demands" conflict with what you want to do, just tell her so. If she wants you to pay for something, or go somewhere, you do it on your terms. Simples.

heartbreak_star

Two of my friends got married in July, my OH was best man. There was the option for singletons to bring a +1 (they had a late afternoon wedding straight into evening buffet and ceilidh ), and I was on a table with mutual friends, OH was on top table.

However, when I was best man, the top table for the meal was bride, groom and parents only - bridesmaids, ushers and best man were on another table with partners. The invites were for you both if you were a couple or you alone if you were single - though as the invites were sent out about a year in advance they made sure people knew they could request a +1 if they got together with someone before the venue deadline!


Arrangement is up to you and personal. If it was me - I'd invite him, but he'd be paying for his own transport! Good luck!

HBS x

partialycloudy

We had a similar situation but with my Step sister and hew BF. When we sent out the invites (about a yr in advance as we were going abroad) they had only been together a few weeks. I barely see this step sister so she was only invited out of duty really, but then at xmas she asks in front of everyone if her new fella could come. Cue the awkwardness when I had to say no! But she wouldn't let it go, and called again a few weeks later to ask again. Again I said no as we had never met him and chances are we wouldn't meet him before the wedding. One reason being we didn't want people in the pictures who we didn't know! Which i know sounds selfish but sometimes you have to be! Anyho in the end as we felt guilty we eventuallys aid he could come......Then a week before the wedding she called to say they couldnt come as they hadn't relised how far away it was!!!!!!!

The point is you can stress about this now but alot can change between now and then so try not to stress to much. And what seems important now will seem silly by the time your first anniversary comes round.

In a cruel twist of fate OH fell out with his best man a few months after the wedding so we still ended up with pictures of people we no longer speak to!