Am I just being stupidly unfair?

thelittlestranger

mrcow wrote: »

Because it's your family and you're supposed to care about them?




Your sister is a separate issue if you are not inviting her OH because he's been unpleasant towards you/your mother in the past - I doubt he'd want to come anyway from what you've said about your family's opinion of him? Unless you want to use the opportunity to start putting the past behind you and building bridges.

I think it's a little bit unfair to say I'm supposed to care about them. If I didn't care why would I worry about upsetting others? Have you planned a wedding yourself? If you have I am sure you understand how difficult it is to please all members of your family whilst keeping a wedding in budget and doing also what you want to do as a couple.

I'd love to build bridges for my sisters sake. It's not a matter that we are all shouting at each other these days, it's just that I see my sister as much we can and her OH keeps out. We just don't talk which is the best way.

With regards to your other comment about not worrying about it we have to before we start paying for everything and drawing up final seating plans. It's very difficult to do a seating plan as it is with my family set up. I care too much about my family for them to be upset that they're sitting at the back while people I don't even know sit on tables for immediate family.

thelittlestranger

ecoelle wrote: »

I wouldn't worry too much then, when you send the invites, make sure your numbers tally. We decided that family could bring partners, but some friends had to be them only no partner so we could keep under the limit for the room.

Also you'll have some people who can't make it so the numbers are never perfect anyway.

If they are still together by the time the wedding comes round, hopefully you'll have had time to get to know him a bit better.

Thank you, it's good to hear that we're not the only ones who have to think of room limits. We've been warned that we're already slightly over what they'd like so we're having to be very careful.

Fingers crossed we do know him better by then if we're being told he's coming. :P

poet123

thelittlestranger wrote: »

Well she's only 18 and they've been together for less than a year, and with her parents being very traditional I would see them as being engaged as highly unlikely.

I'm not penalising, I'm simply saying that they should all be treated the same. My sister actually lives with her OH and has been with him about 3 years now. I got on with him fine before his drink driving episode. Surely I'd be penalising my sister if I let the other BM bring her boyfriend?!

Are you saying that if the driving incident had never happened you still wouldn't be inviting your sisters OH? If so, that is up to you but if you would have invited him, then you are equalising the situation unfairly by not asking the other sisters partner.

I find that very odd tbh, it is usual for members of a bridal party to have a plus one.

thelittlestranger

daisiegg wrote: »

Aww, I'm really sorry, it can all get a bit stressful! I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I think it is sort of normal and expected to invite partners, and especially partners of close family members, like people in the bridal party. It wouldn't have crossed my mind not to invite my bridesmaid's partner, even though I have only met him once. I do think your sister's dodgy partner is a different issue and it shouldn't cloud what you do about your OH's sister's partner... Good luck and I hope you get it sorted without too much stress

Thanks for being so understanding daisiegg!

I would agree about partners expecting to be invited, perhaps it's the shock of how she address me about it, and how she addresses me about everything to do with this wedding? I'm not sure but that's how I feel if you see what mean!

Hoping the stress levels go down a bit after Xmas!

mrcow

thelittlestranger wrote: »

I think it's a little bit unfair to say I'm supposed to care about them.

You asked why you should worry about making them happy. Don't shoot the messenger!

It's one person. It's easy to sort.

As for the seating plans, honestly, most people don't care as long as they are sitting near people they know/like. This is all becoming a little highly strung for such a simple issue.

DevilsAdvocate1

thelittlestranger wrote: »

I think it's a little bit unfair to say I'm supposed to care about them. If I didn't care why would I worry about upsetting others? Have you planned a wedding yourself? If you have I am sure you understand how difficult it is to please all members of your family whilst keeping a wedding in budget and doing also what you want to do as a couple.

I'd love to build bridges for my sisters sake. It's not a matter that we are all shouting at each other these days, it's just that I see my sister as much we can and her OH keeps out. We just don't talk which is the best way.

With regards to your other comment about not worrying about it we have to before we start paying for everything and drawing up final seating plans. It's very difficult to do a seating plan as it is with my family set up. I care too much about my family for them to be upset that they're sitting at the back while people I don't even know sit on tables for immediate family.

I had been with my then boyfriend (now husband) for nearly 3 years when his brother got married. I spent alternate weekends staying at my boyfriend's house too. So knew then all really well. However, on the seating plan, I was at the back of the room on a table where I did not know anyone at all. This was because all the close family were on the top table and the tables to the front. I wasn't upset about it, though I think the family were worried about my reaction.

When it was my turn to get married, my husband's brother's wife was in the same position and ended up somewhere where she did not really know anyone.

I think the best thing is to talk to your family. Explain your concerns regarding numbers and cost. I was not upset to be seated on my own, but I would have been very upset had I not been invited at all.

Personally, I don't think its at all presumptious of your 18 year old sister to expect her BF to be invited when they have been together for nearly a year. If it had been a few weeks I would have thought differently.

Good luck.

caeler

With Christmas coming up maybe it is a good opportunity to get to know OH Sister's OH? That way he won't be a stranger at your wedding. My cousin bought his girlf to my wedding and they've long since split up and she's in all the pictures. Wish I'd done a few family only ones!

thelittlestranger

This is all becoming a little highly strung for such a simple issue.

Thank you for your opinion, but when I'm the one dealing with the simple issue, I find it a little bit more tough.

thelittlestranger

caeler wrote: »

With Christmas coming up maybe it is a good opportunity to get to know OH Sister's OH? That way he won't be a stranger at your wedding. My cousin bought his girlf to my wedding and they've long since split up and she's in all the pictures. Wish I'd done a few family only ones!

Oh dear Caeler! Sure it's still lovely to look at the pics, heehee!

And yes, fingers crossed we'll get to know him around Christmas time. Watch this space!!! :P

thelittlestranger

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I had been with my then boyfriend (now husband) for nearly 3 years when his brother got married. I spent alternate weekends staying at my boyfriend's house too. So knew then all really well. However, on the seating plan, I was at the back of the room on a table where I did not know anyone at all. This was because all the close family were on the top table and the tables to the front. I wasn't upset about it, though I think the family were worried about my reaction.

When it was my turn to get married, my husband's brother's wife was in the same position and ended up somewhere where she did not really know anyone.

I think the best thing is to talk to your family. Explain your concerns regarding numbers and cost. I was not upset to be seated on my own, but I would have been very upset had I not been invited at all.

Personally, I don't think its at all presumptious of your 18 year old sister to expect her BF to be invited when they have been together for nearly a year. If it had been a few weeks I would have thought differently.

Good luck.

Sorry I'm having a thick moment... so your now sister in law didn't sit at the immediate family tables when you got married? Sorry I have the wrong end of the stick!!! If that is the case, how did you come to that decision (if you don't mind me asking).

I would be more than happy for him for my OH's sister's boyfriend to come in the evening as I'm quite happy for anyone to come in the evening, including my own sister's OH. It's just the day. I wanted it to be small and intimate and just our close families I suppose? We haven't got enough money unfortunately to offer everyone a plus one. I didn't realise there was any sort of etiquette to plus ones for bridal party but I could be wrong!