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Am I just being stupidly unfair?
thelittlestranger
Posts: 86 Forumite
I apologise in advance for this being a long post and if it just seems pathetic but this whole thing has gotten under my skin and I need an unbiased point of view.
I am marrying my OH next April. I already have a 'difficult' family situation. My parents are divorced and detest each other pretty much. One of my sisters (also a bridesmaid) has an awful OH who she lives with. He has endangered her in the past and my other younger sister (drink driving) and has also been verbally abusive to my mum along with a string of offences. My sister and I still remain very close and I have taken the view that if she is happy it is not for me to be involved and keep putting my nose in.
My OH sister is also going to be a bridesmaid. This is where the problems begin.
Whilst out last night, she told me, not my OH, she was bringing her boyfriend as her plus one. This had come up before at a family gathering a few months ago. Someone asked if her boyfriend would be coming and my OH mum said 'yes' for us.
Now of course it would be obvious that he would come to some, but my OH and I have met this guy once since they have been together, which is a few months now I suppose. It's not that I like/dislike him, I just genuinely don't know him at all. We literally just said hello when we first met!
So last night, she tells me she's bringing her OH as a plus one. He lives miles away so she said that he's planning on buying his train tickets like... next week so that they would be cheap.
When we left, I said to my OH I found this a bit presumptuous. My reasons were:
1. We are already very slightly over the maximum number of people we are allowed at the ceremony in the day. Having him is pushing our luck.
2. Because of my family situation, we are not having a top table, meaning we need more tables with less people. Where would we put him? I find it a bit rude to bring him on to one of the main tables with immediate family when I have other blood relatives I see more often right at the back and far away from us.
3. We are paying for everything for our bridesmaids. She has NO idea how much this is costing without adding more people to it.
4. My mum and I kind of made the decision that my sister's OH wouldn't be coming due to his drinking problem and the fact he hasn't apologised to my family at all and risked the lives of my sisters. But this hasn't been written in stone yet as such. I would feel terrible that my sister would find out that her OH can't come but my OH's sister's boyfriend can come when I don't know him.
The problem is... my OH doesn't see the issue. He has always been like this and believes that there's no point in saying anything, it'll just make matters worse.
I'm feeling so upset because I feel everyone (not just this time around) is making decisions for us. This is our day, why can no one see that?! I'm starting to not want a wedding which is awful. I want to marry my OH more than anything but a wedding just seems way too much hassle.
I am marrying my OH next April. I already have a 'difficult' family situation. My parents are divorced and detest each other pretty much. One of my sisters (also a bridesmaid) has an awful OH who she lives with. He has endangered her in the past and my other younger sister (drink driving) and has also been verbally abusive to my mum along with a string of offences. My sister and I still remain very close and I have taken the view that if she is happy it is not for me to be involved and keep putting my nose in.
My OH sister is also going to be a bridesmaid. This is where the problems begin.
Whilst out last night, she told me, not my OH, she was bringing her boyfriend as her plus one. This had come up before at a family gathering a few months ago. Someone asked if her boyfriend would be coming and my OH mum said 'yes' for us.
Now of course it would be obvious that he would come to some, but my OH and I have met this guy once since they have been together, which is a few months now I suppose. It's not that I like/dislike him, I just genuinely don't know him at all. We literally just said hello when we first met!
So last night, she tells me she's bringing her OH as a plus one. He lives miles away so she said that he's planning on buying his train tickets like... next week so that they would be cheap.
When we left, I said to my OH I found this a bit presumptuous. My reasons were:
1. We are already very slightly over the maximum number of people we are allowed at the ceremony in the day. Having him is pushing our luck.
2. Because of my family situation, we are not having a top table, meaning we need more tables with less people. Where would we put him? I find it a bit rude to bring him on to one of the main tables with immediate family when I have other blood relatives I see more often right at the back and far away from us.
3. We are paying for everything for our bridesmaids. She has NO idea how much this is costing without adding more people to it.
4. My mum and I kind of made the decision that my sister's OH wouldn't be coming due to his drinking problem and the fact he hasn't apologised to my family at all and risked the lives of my sisters. But this hasn't been written in stone yet as such. I would feel terrible that my sister would find out that her OH can't come but my OH's sister's boyfriend can come when I don't know him.
The problem is... my OH doesn't see the issue. He has always been like this and believes that there's no point in saying anything, it'll just make matters worse.
I'm feeling so upset because I feel everyone (not just this time around) is making decisions for us. This is our day, why can no one see that?! I'm starting to not want a wedding which is awful. I want to marry my OH more than anything but a wedding just seems way too much hassle.
You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~ C.S. Lewis
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Comments
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On the invite did you just put your OH's sisters name, or did you put 'and guest'?0
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Seriously - get some perspective.
It's one person. And it would make her happy. Just invite him. And be gracious about it. Your OH isn't fussed, so just let them get on with it. Whether your sister's OH is invited is a separate issue."One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
we've not even sent the invites yet. You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~ C.S. Lewis0
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Seriously - get some perspective.
It's one person. And it would make her happy. Just invite him. And be gracious about it. Your OH isn't fussed, so just let them get on with it. Whether your sister's OH is invited is a separate issue.
But why should everyone be happy when we're the ones paying for it?
She has already told us how she wants her hair (which we're paying for) and the fact she wants the trial the same night she is going out. She hasn't taken in to account that we both work and my sisters also work. I can't take all the time off for separate trials! I find we're just being given orders.
My OH does understand my view, he just doesn't know how he'd go about it.
Also, how is my sister's OH a separate issue if they are both my bridesmaids?You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~ C.S. Lewis0 -
For all you know they could be engaged by then. A plus one is usual for single (as in unmarried) close family guests, I would just work on that. I don't think you can penalise one sister for the sake of the behaviour of the other's OH, which it seems you may be doing.0
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thelittlestranger wrote: »we've not even sent the invites yet.
I wouldn't worry too much then, when you send the invites, make sure your numbers tally. We decided that family could bring partners, but some friends had to be them only no partner so we could keep under the limit for the room.
Also you'll have some people who can't make it so the numbers are never perfect anyway.
If they are still together by the time the wedding comes round, hopefully you'll have had time to get to know him a bit better.0 -
thelittlestranger wrote: »But why should everyone be happy when we're the ones paying for it?
Because it's your family and you're supposed to care about them?
Your sister is a separate issue if you are not inviting her OH because he's been unpleasant towards you/your mother in the past - I doubt he'd want to come anyway from what you've said about your family's opinion of him? Unless you want to use the opportunity to start putting the past behind you and building bridges."One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
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For all you know they could be engaged by then. A plus one is usual for single (as in unmarried) close family guests, I would just work on that. I don't think you can penalise one sister for the sake of the behaviour of the other's OH, which it seems you may be doing.
Well she's only 18 and they've been together for less than a year, and with her parents being very traditional I would see them as being engaged as highly unlikely.
I'm not penalising, I'm simply saying that they should all be treated the same. My sister actually lives with her OH and has been with him about 3 years now. I got on with him fine before his drink driving episode. Surely I'd be penalising my sister if I let the other BM bring her boyfriend?!You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~ C.S. Lewis0 -
Aww, I'm really sorry, it can all get a bit stressful! I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I think it is sort of normal and expected to invite partners, and especially partners of close family members, like people in the bridal party. It wouldn't have crossed my mind not to invite my bridesmaid's partner, even though I have only met him once. I do think your sister's dodgy partner is a different issue and it shouldn't cloud what you do about your OH's sister's partner... Good luck and I hope you get it sorted without too much stress 0
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