Partners family helping

Fire_Fox

Maybe they are being deliberately interfering to get rid of one or both of you? If you want to be treated like adults behave like it and move out, support yourselves and pay your own bills. Even if he pays rent it's highly unlikely to be market rent so he is still behaving like a dependent. If he is paying a fair rent taking into consideration ALL bills he may as well move out into lodgings or a shared house now.

Nobody is forcing you to go to THEIR house you have done it because it suited; frankly it's hugely disrespectful to spend several nights a week in someone's home then whinge about them on a forum. I'd be very upset if I found out someone did that to me. Different families have different ways of behaving and interacting, your way is not better, they have been functioning successfully as a family unit since before you were born. You have not said one single nice thing about them just whined like a teenager.

Your partner might be thinking negatively about his family whilst he lives with them - many people do - but things may change when he finally leaves home. Don't bank on him not wanting to see them, don't even think about trying to keep your children away from them, a responsible adult would actively encourage their partner and their children to see his family in case they regretted it later in life. If you don't believe you can do that you are in the wrong relationship.

KxMx

RadoJo wrote: »

Owning your own place might just be a luxury you have to sacrifice in order to kick start your grown up life - I wouldn't want to share my home with another couple even (perhaps especially) if one half of it was my son. Whilst it might seem controlling, I would consider it reasonable to want to have a rough idea of the movements of the other people in my house, especially if they are going to affect me e.g who will be there for a meal, can I expect to be woken up after going to bed by people coming in, am I likely to find tomorrow's dinner eaten as a midnight snack etc.
If you don't like the way they treat you and your parents don't mind then why not spend more time at your parents' house, especially if your boyfriend is happy to do that? There's no need for you to worry about 'saving' their relationship if he isn't concerned.

I can see that is reasonable, but from the OP the questioning goes further. No need for them to know where they are going or who they are with.

I've had these problems with my own mother, and it really is down to your OH to be firm, and stick to not answering questions.

My own success came from evading the questions (ie not answering and offering the information they want), asking why?, being rude and having several chats about how I am 25 and if she needed to know something she would be told, otherwise it was not her place to ask.

Obviously still living at home, I live in her house, her rules. I am very aware and respectful of that. But she has to acknowledge me as an adult and not expect the same level of information as when I was at primary school. There is no need for her to know where I go, who i'm with etc, I just stick to things like "i'll be late home so please don't lock up" or "I'll put the bin out since I will be coming in late".

For the record I never, ever thought the questions would stop until I moved out (I had nice daydreams of moving out and doing one phone call a week, or even just txts for awhile lol for some peace) , but through a combination of the above it has stopped. Your OH has to take some of the blame, because once the pattern of questions being answered starts, the quizzers expect it to continue and your OH needs to find a way to deal with it, otherwise it won't stop.

I made the mistake and was at fault for letting it continue a few years past when I realised it was wrong. Acknowledging this helped me deal with the whole thing.

Be prepared for confusion, hurt feelings etc while it's being sorted out, and don't let your OH be "guilted" into answering either! I had something very similar to emotional blackmail when I refused to answer all her questions.

I always say, does the questioner need to know this, or do they want to know. There is a huge difference.

Many responders to this thread don't seem to realise that, living at home or not, sometimes parents do go too far in being nosy!

EDIT:From your OP, it sounds as though they are very family focused, which perhaps you aren't used to. Nothing wrong with that but you need to give a little, compromise, and you also need to set the boundaries you're happy with instead of "falling into line" all the time *if* that makes you unhappy.

Mojisola

KxMx wrote: »

Obviously still living at home, I live in her house, her rules. I am very aware and respectful of that. But she has to acknowledge me as an adult and not expect the same level of information as when I was at primary school. There is no need for her to know where I go, who i'm with etc, I just stick to things like "i'll be late home so please don't lock up" or "I'll put the bin out since I will be coming in late".

I agree with this. On other threads about adult children living at home and how much they should contribute, I've said that as they are adults, they should be doing their share - financially and sharing jobs.

The same has to apply the other way - as they are adults, the parents can't expect to control their lives as they did when they were children.

Our youngsters have stayed at home into their 20s. I wouldn't have tried to micromanage their lives. While we would be ready to give support and advice if it was asked for, their lives are now theirs to lead. If they can't make their own decisions, we've failed them as parents.

As parents, we've also got to accept that they are going to do things differently to us - just as we have led our lives differently to our parents.