Partners family helping

Twenty5

Errata wrote: »

This isn't your problem, it's your boyfriend's problem. If he lets them get away with it, and it seems he does, that means he's happy to let them get away with it.

So what should I do? I'm wondering if it might be best to only stay at his once a week and stay at mine the rest

Really don't know why it has to be like this

downsizer3

I think you and your boyfriend need to have an honest chat - maybe he's quite happy to let his family be very involved and you come from a different situation - prefer things more arms length?
Either way - there has to be a compromise or it won't work in the long run. Best to set the ground rules now. If you can only deal with a bi-weekly sunday lunch in the future - why not say so - its not a bad thing - just different attitudes to family and how close you want to be.
Certainly a trial run of living together may be worthwhile rather than jumping into a house purchase. You need your space to live together anyway - your space - your rules.....

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Just as an aside, when my eldest acquired her boyfriend, after nine months I was heartily sick of the sight of him.

He was in my home for 18 hours a day, eating my food (and five times as much of it as anybody else), upsetting my youngest because he didn't want the kid sister playing gooseberry and wanted her to bog off and leave him and DD1 alone, teased the cat, spent three hours 'saying goodbye' to DD1 - and then, as soon as he was finally gone for the night, he was on the phone to her on an unlimited tariff, so he could hear her breathing all night.

Had he actually left her alone for thirty minutes, he would have been more welcome. And it's not just me who felt like this, my ex (DD's father) and his wife felt exactly the same about him.


Maybe they would quite like to see him occasionally without you?


It's not always about being young, it can be about 'surely there is more in your life than one person?'. It's not healthy to live in each other's pockets all day every day, for example.



Now, I don't actually know if you and your boyfriend are not only joined at the hip, but could qualify as a pair of symbiotes, or whether you actually have a healthier relationship. But it's worthwhile thinking whether they actually have a point. Do you ever do anything without each other? Do you see friends separately? Do you have any outside interests that don't involve the other?

Errata

Twenty5 wrote: »

So what should I do? I'm wondering if it might be best to only stay at his once a week and stay at mine the rest

Really don't know why it has to be like this

You can't do anything. If he won't grow a backbone you can't grow one for him.

balletshoes

Twenty5 wrote: »

So what should I do? I'm wondering if it might be best to only stay at his once a week and stay at mine the rest

Really don't know why it has to be like this

its like this because your boyfriend is used to this, and is allowing it to continue. You both have my sympathy, its not easy being adults living in someone else's home. Until you have your own place together, his parents will probably always treat you guys the same as they are now.

Its totally up to your boyfriend to discuss this with his parents. If he has and nothing's changed, and you're still living with them, then you both need to look at what you can do to minimise staying with them. It doesn't mean you have to ostracise them, either now or in the future when you have a family together. Things might be markedly different when you're living under your own roof and they're under theirs.

Twenty5

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just as an aside, when my eldest acquired her boyfriend, after nine months I was heartily sick of the sight of him.

He was in my home for 18 hours a day, eating my food (and five times as much of it as anybody else), upsetting my youngest because he didn't want the kid sister playing gooseberry and wanted her to bog off and leave him and DD1 alone, teased the cat, spent three hours 'saying goodbye' to DD1 - and then, as soon as he was finally gone for the night, he was on the phone to her on an unlimited tariff, so he could hear her breathing all night.

Had he actually left her alone for thirty minutes, he would have been more welcome. And it's not just me who felt like this, my ex (DD's father) and his wife felt exactly the same about him.


Maybe they would quite like to see him occasionally without you?


It's not always about being young, it can be about 'surely there is more in your life than one person?'. It's not healthy to live in each other's pockets all day every day, for example.



Now, I don't actually know if you and your boyfriend are not only joined at the hip, but could qualify as a pair of symbiotes, or whether you actually have a healthier relationship. But it's worthwhile thinking whether they actually have a point. Do you ever do anything without each other? Do you see friends separately? Do you have any outside interests that don't involve the other?

Thanks for the post. We both work full time so do like to spend most evenings together. Don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's more his mum and dad who are joined at the hip. Always together rarely do anything separately.

We do see friends separately. But we also see quite a few friends together as a few of us are in couples and all get along well.

If we stay separate then my boyfriend is upstairs on his playstation anyway so it's not like they see him loads. If anything we spend more time with then when I'm there.

Twenty5

balletshoes wrote: »

its like this because your boyfriend is used to this, and is allowing it to continue. You both have my sympathy, its not easy being adults living in someone else's home. Until you have your own place together, his parents will probably always treat you guys the same as they are now.

Its totally up to your boyfriend to discuss this with his parents. If he has and nothing's changed, and you're still living with them, then you both need to look at what you can do to minimise staying with them. It doesn't mean you have to ostracise them, either now or in the future when you have a family together. Things might be markedly different when you're living under your own roof and they're under theirs.

Yea I'm thinking of staying at mine more often leave them to it. If they still treat us like kids until we move out then we will only see then at birthdays Xmas etc

balletshoes

Twenty5 wrote: »

Yea I'm thinking of staying at mine more often leave them to it. If they still treat us like kids until we move out then we will only see then at birthdays Xmas etc

surely it will be up to your boyfriend to decide how often he wants to see his parents once you've moved into your own place?

Twenty5

balletshoes wrote: »

surely it will be up to your boyfriend to decide how often he wants to see his parents once you've moved into your own place?

We have talked about this and he said he would be happy only seeing them at weddings etc! He has often discussed this issue with then even before he met me but now says he's tired of talking about it cause they won't change

Twenty5

I'm really trying to keep everyone happy so we don't lose contact