Partners family helping

heretolearn_2

Honestly, your last comment makes you sound like you still think as a child...

Twenty5

heretolearn wrote: »

Honestly, your last comment makes you sound like you still think as a child...

If you've not got anything worthwhile to say why post?

lauroar

Twenty5 wrote: »

We have talked about this and he said he would be happy only seeing them at weddings etc! He has often discussed this issue with then even before he met me but now says he's tired of talking about it cause they won't change

But he's happy living with them for a rent that I assume is less than the going rental rate + bills for your area?

I sort of understand your frustrations but if his parents are still financially supporting him by subsidising his living expenses then I imagine it's difficult for them to see him as a fully fledged adult. My mum said that when I was away at uni she didn't think twice about what I was up to, even if she knew I was going out that night but when I was at home in the holidays she'd always sleep lightly until she heard me coming in from a night out. May be a similar thing re asking what time you'll be home?

Twenty5

lauroar wrote: »

But he's happy living with them for a rent that I assume is less than the going rental rate + bills for your area?

I sort of understand your frustrations but if his parents are still financially supporting him by subsidising his living expenses then I imagine it's difficult for them to see him as a fully fledged adult. My mum said that when I was away at uni she didn't think twice about what I was up to, even if she knew I was going out that night but when I was at home in the holidays she'd always sleep lightly until she heard me coming in from a night out. May be a similar thing re asking what time you'll be home?

Yea the rent would be more expensive in a flat etc but he only has one room and does pay a fair rate for that and cooks for everyone at least once a week as well as giving his younger brother lifts all the time. When he suggested renting a flat they were complaining about it and asking why he didn't want to live at home and that they wouldn't see him enough! So they want it all ways

Errata

May I ask how old you are and how long your relationship is with him?

Twenty5

Errata wrote: »

May I ask how old you are and how long your relationship is with him?

We are both 22 and have been going out for just under two years

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Twenty5 wrote: »

Thanks for the post. We both work full time so do like to spend most evenings together. Don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's more his mum and dad who are joined at the hip. Always together rarely do anything separately.

We do see friends separately. But we also see quite a few friends together as a few of us are in couples and all get along well.

If we stay separate then my boyfriend is upstairs on his playstation anyway so it's not like they see him loads. If anything we spend more time with then when I'm there.

They're married, have been for twenty odd years and are at least in their forties.



I felt the house had been taken over by the boyfriend - it was a relief when he actually wasn't there, even if he was still on the phone, at least he wasn't physically around. I secretly cheered the day her mobile broke, as it meant she could potter around, eat some food, have a bath, do normal things.

Imagine if you were living together, but his parents were in your house almost every evening without fail. You never saw your boyfriend unless his mum was sitting beside him.

That's what it could feel like to them. And that is why, although you see nothing wrong in it, it could be a little strained there.

balletshoes

Twenty5 wrote: »

Yea the rent would be more expensive in a flat etc but he only has one room and does pay a fair rate for that and cooks for everyone at least once a week as well as giving his younger brother lifts all the time.
When he suggested renting a flat they were complaining about it and asking why he didn't want to live at home and that they wouldn't see him enough! So they want it all ways

I left home at 19 to move into my first flat. My mum didn't speak to me for about a week after I told her I'd found somewhere to rent. I just wanted my independence, hadn't fallen out with my parents or anything, but she did take it badly - for a week. Then she was very helpful, and we got back to being a close family unit (just not under the same roof).
I wouldn't read too much into what his parents have said your bf renting his own place, that doesn't sound that weird to me.

And, for the record, I totally understand what JoJo is saying on this subject.

Chakani

Honestly speaking, having lived with my inlaws as an adult, and experienced all the difficulties this can throw up, I think you need to rethink.

It is their home, what goes on in it, and the way they conduct their relationships within it are their business. They have had probably 20-odd years to get into their own ways, and you don't fit in with the way they do things. This is clearly irritating to you. I would put money on it that having you in the house every other night, not paying or contributing, and not fitting in with their ways is hard work to them.

Just little things can grate when you spend too much time together - my MIL puts her kitchen pedal bin the "wrong" way round, with the pedal facing the corner. It used to irritate me to death. And at the end of the day, what does it matter? I also used to hate the way MIL would discuss everything with everyone in the family, including her mother and sister. Even down to the proposed names for our babies, which to me felt like a private thing between me and my OH.

It was very kind of her to let us live there while we looked for a place of our own, but it was a huge relief to all of us not to be under the same roof. I'm used to her ways now, I love her for who she is, I respect that her way of being loving and supportive is different from my parents's way. But the reason we get on so well is that we see each other a maximum of once or twice a week, often less.

I think you need to spend less time in their house. Meet your boyfriend for a drink, or a film, or a walk, and then go home, maybe stay over once a week. If that's not good enough, then you need to save up a deposit for a rental, not a purchase, and move. Then, you can invite whoever you like, on your own terms, to share your space.

RadoJo

Owning your own place might just be a luxury you have to sacrifice in order to kick start your grown up life - I wouldn't want to share my home with another couple even (perhaps especially) if one half of it was my son. Whilst it might seem controlling, I would consider it reasonable to want to have a rough idea of the movements of the other people in my house, especially if they are going to affect me e.g who will be there for a meal, can I expect to be woken up after going to bed by people coming in, am I likely to find tomorrow's dinner eaten as a midnight snack etc.
If you don't like the way they treat you and your parents don't mind then why not spend more time at your parents' house, especially if your boyfriend is happy to do that? There's no need for you to worry about 'saving' their relationship if he isn't concerned.