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where has my happy boy gone?

I think my son may be going through puberty, he is eleven and just started secondary school, and he has changed into a morose, sad and angry boy.

He is crying hysterically over stupid things, worried he is a pervert because he is thinking about sex all the time and is generally very miserable.

His dad and I are at the end of our tether, dad has talked to him about sex (after he was at a friends house and they looked at !!!!!! on his pc!) as he was completely freaked out, disgusted with himself and convinced we would hate him because of it.

We have been supportive telling him he can talk to us about anything etc, but nothing seems to be helping!

What do we do now? Do we give him space to work through these feelings, do we keep trying to get him to talk?

Any advice very very much appreciated as i am on the verge of seeking physchological help!
I don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.
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Comments

  • londonsurrey
    londonsurrey Posts: 2,444 Forumite
    Talk to him about the difference between "like", "lust" and "love", and the difference between what we feel we want and the control we have over our choices.
  • WantToBeSE
    WantToBeSE Posts: 7,729 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped! Debt-free and Proud!
    To be honest, i think a lot of it is just hormones.
    It seems to suddenly just hit them at the first year of secondary school, i know it did for my son when he started yr 7 last year.

    Its a really hard time for them, going through so many changes-not only hormonally, but also being the youngest in the school instead of the oldest, being treated more like a responsible teenager (and expected to act like it), yet still being young.
    You say his dad has chatted to him about sex, but have you both also explained hormones to him? He may be confused about his own feelings/behaviour, and not sure what hormones are, or what they do? I know that my son found it reassuring to know that greasy hair/smell/interest in sex, masterbation, were all healthy normal things that all children of that age go through.

    I think the best thing to do would be to give him space (after explaining the hormones to him properly), reassure him that you dont think he is gross for looking at !!!!!!, and make sure he knows he can go to you or his dad.

    Good luck- its a hard one to figure out!!
  • pukkamum
    pukkamum Posts: 3,944 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    We did try to explain that it was just hormones, dad told him all about masturbation, that sex on the internet is not real etc, but I think that we may have created more problems by constantly questioning if he is ok, if there is anything he wants to tell us as his personality change was so sudden and drastic we were convinced he was being bullied or something awful had happened to him.

    I think this may have made him think that something must be wrong IFYSWIM and I think he may be overthinking things to find a reason for his feelings.

    Feel so awful for him I just want to make it better, please tell me this is temporary!

    Oh and any book reccomendations that may be good for him to read would be great.
    I don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    there are some really good books about puberty, explaining everything in language 11-year olds are familiar with. Have a google on Amazon, get him a book, and either talk through some of it with him, or leave him with it and assure him he can ask you or Dad anything about what he reads.

    You have my sympathy, I'm very glad there are folk on here willing to share their own experiences with pubescent kids :).
  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,032 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I'd be speaking to his friends parents to find out why they were able to look @ p0rn under their roof - I'd be suggesting a good parental control programme
  • pukkamum
    pukkamum Posts: 3,944 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    19lottie82 wrote: »
    I'd be speaking to his friends parents to find out why they were able to look @ p0rn under their roof - I'd be suggesting a good parental control programme
    Well apparently it was on the boys nan's pc (i think she probably hadn't even imagined they would do it?) have told the boys mum and she has since put on parental controls on it for her.
    I don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.
  • WantToBeSE
    WantToBeSE Posts: 7,729 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped! Debt-free and Proud!
    This is the book i got for my son. Its aimed at both male and female adolescents:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Puberty-All-That-Stuff/dp/0749658509/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1350046008&sr=8-2

    it covers everything from puberty, sex, relationship, contraception, everything! It may be a bit too in detail for some, but i think its great in that it opens and encourages a dialogue between them and you.

    I think just being as open and honest as possible when he does have any questions, and not making a huge deal of it, should reassure him enough.
    If you have already reassured him that masterbation/sex/looking at !!!!!! is a normal part of growing up and being curoius, and that you are not angry at hime for doing so, then just give him time and space.

    I think that maybe having a word with the school would be a good idea if you are concerned about bullying, or ask your son if he is finding it hard to adjust in his new school, if he is having any problems that you can help with etc.

    Also- as for 'please tell me this is temporary'..i'm afraid i dont know, as my son is only a year on from yours! I have been told the worst bit lasts until 15 years old, then from 15-19 they slowly start to improve, but who knows!!
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    I don't have a boy, but I've heard that the book "Living with a Willy" is a good one for boys to read.
  • gingin_2
    gingin_2 Posts: 2,992 Forumite
    I don't have a boy, but I've heard that the book "Living with a Willy" is a good one for boys to read.

    Yes. I bought it for my son based on a recommendation on here and he was mortified by it, then I went into his room one day and found it page open by the side of his bed.

    It wasn't very expensive and easy to find on Amazon from what I remember.
  • Raksha
    Raksha Posts: 4,569 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I've got 3 boys - the youngest is now 15.

    I think the clue is ' dad told him all about masturbation' - when I've done the 'that chat' I've tried to answer their questions and aim it at their age rather than tell them all about it in one fell swoop. Heavens, if my Mum had told me 'all about it' at 11 I'd have curled up and died!
    Please forgive me if my comments seem abrupt or my questions have obvious answers, I have a mental health condition which affects my ability to see things as others might.
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