I feel a bit mean...

anxious_mum

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Fifty quid a week is a pittance for what he gets, so keep on charging him and stop feeling guilty about it. He's got at least four times that left over to spend on himself. Do you have anything near that much to yourself after you've paid your travel expenses to get to work? And I'd be leaving him something in the fridge so he can heat it up if he decides to show up after you've gone to bed.

LOL! thanks B&T, you always put tnings succinctly! He does earn a decent wage, and I always make sure he can microwave something that has been cooked by me. No, I wish I had his leftover money to spend on myself, that might be nice!

FATBALLZ

neneromanova wrote: »

Think of yourself like a landlord. If the landlord let out a room/flat too someone then the tenant started dating and didn't really spend much time back at his room/flat, he would still get charged because his stuff is there.

Are you for real? Seriously, treating your child like a lodger?

...

IMO if he's costing you money to put him up then yes he should make a contribution, if he's causing you to use up food (even if he isn't eating it) then he should be paying something. But if he's hardly ever there and stops making you cook wasted meals, then taking money from him would just be profiteering and I don't see how any parent could think that is justified.

I do wonder though if his GFs parents might get annoyed if he's always there and causing them expense and not making a contribution.

property.advert

Stop phoning the poor bloke up every day, or are you still changing his nappies ?

He has grown up, he should soon get out on his own, so stop treating him like a kid, wanting to know whether he wants you to cook his tea or put his favourite pyjamas out.

neneromanova

FATBALLZ wrote: »

Are you for real? Seriously, treating your child like a lodger?

Where did i say she needs to treat him as a lodger?! Read my reply properly before you have a go!

All i was saying, was if the OP was an actual landlord and her DS was just a tenant and not really her son, she wouldn't be so nice about him staying away but still having to pay rent. That's life.

January20

neneromanova wrote: »

Where did i say she needs to treat him as a lodger?! Read my reply properly before you have a go!

All i was saying, was if the OP was an actual landlord and her DS was just a tenant and not really her son, she wouldn't be so nice about him staying away but still having to pay rent. That's life.

I agree with this. It doesn't do our children any good to mollycoddle them and protect them from the real world. Making him pay his board even if he doesn't live there all the time is teaching him what real life is. Some may think it's harsh, I think it's what a caring parent does.

My dd pays me a tiny bit of board (when she is working full time) and she buys her own food (because she doesn't eat the same as I do) she cooks her own meals and she does her own washing. I believe I am teaching her independence BUT if she is having hard times (like she is right now) I'm still the parent she can depend on.

This is a transitory time in a life: she is not a child any more but she is not yet able to be fully financially independent. I need to give her the push she needs whilst still being here as a safety net if she needs it.

You shouldn't be cooking your son his meals. You shouldn't even do his washing! He is well able to do it himself and it will do him no harm to learn not to have a woman running after him. His future wife might be grateful to you for that!

busiscoming2

I'd save some of the money for him towards a deposit somewhere. I'd also agree with the poster that said to stop phoning him every day. Just tell him to let you know by a certain time if he wants dinner that particular night. I'm sure he gets fed up with you keep ringing him.

jetplane

OP I have been in this situation, 15 - 20% of his earnings is not excessive, he still has the security of his bed to come home to, his washing done, meals if he wants them and his mother It is his choice to stay at his girlfiends, so first of all you are not mean.

My daughter has always paid board by direct debit since she started earning. She has done her own washing and ironing since before she was 19 though, I just got sick of washing stuff that had never been worn . She virtually moved in with her boyfriend and his family, having regular meals there, sleeping 5 out of 7 nights, even sometimes doing her washing there, but she still paid my direct debit.

At one point I suggested that she share her board between us, but his mother would not accept it, so when I did the monthly shop I made a box up for my daughter to take to his house. It was staples like cereals, milk, loo roll et al, ok it wasn't going to make their dinner but it it ensured that my daughter made a contribution.

I also invited my daughter and her boyfriend to come to ours a couple of times a week for dinner and agreed that if she would be at home to eat she would let me know in advance or they would see to themselves. And yes we were in touch every day, sometimes just a text, I don't see anything wrong with that.

Your son has other earnings to budget with and can still financially contribute to his girlfriends family if he wishes, after all it will cost him more than any 20% when he sets up home by himself. My daughter stopped taking the 'charity boxes' as she called them and started doing bits of shopping herself to replenish what was needed.

I don't think you need to save his board for him, I have saved some of it as we don't rely on it but I wouldn't worry if I hadn't. On a couple of occasions when my daughter was barely home during the month I gave her some of her board back to treat them to a takeaway but this was not expected by either of them.

My daughter is due her baby soon, so I'm sure she is going to get all of that board back, and more, in one way or another :rotfl:

xoxo_2

You could always suggest reducing his lodge if he swaps rooms with your younger child? He doesn't really need the biggest room if he's only there a few nights a month.

Savvy_Sue

VfM4meplse wrote: »

No, think of yourself as a parent.

And a parent does NOT run a hotel with room service, we run families!

anxious_mum wrote: »

Thanks, I don't feel so bad now. I think what I will do, is start a savings account for him, although he won't know. He has said that him and the GF might look for a rented place together after christmas, so if I put, say, £100 away per month for him it night go someway towards the initial cost of that...By April time he would have £700 that he didn't know about.

I know he needs to learn about paying his way, and I go out of my way now to help him out with lifts here and there, and food as and when needed. Believe me, we had some terrible times when he was here 24/7, I love and adore this girl for taking him away and making our relationship a really nice one now!

How does you saving £100 p/m for him teach him about paying his way? If he and his gf want a flat, surely it's up to him to decide what he's prepared to do about it?

nickj wrote: »

i would let him cook his own meals ,he might then appreciate what you do for him a bit more , it only takes a phone call or text to say i don't need feeding tonight ,

Either that, or setting the default as 'won't be home', and he lets YOU know if he wants a meal by 5 pm.

And if he changes his mind at the last minute, sounds as if there are lots of home cooked meals in the freezer.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

And I'd be leaving him something in the fridge so he can heat it up if he decides to show up after you've gone to bed.

And then you freeze it if it's still there in the morning.

January20 wrote: »

My dd pays me a tiny bit of board (when she is working full time) and she buys her own food (because she doesn't eat the same as I do) she cooks her own meals and she does her own washing.

<snip>

You shouldn't be cooking your son his meals. You shouldn't even do his washing! He is well able to do it himself and it will do him no harm to learn not to have a woman running after him. His future wife might be grateful to you for that!

I SO agree with this about the washing! Mine have done their own since 6th form, so that they learn not only how to use the washing machine but also WHEN to use it, ie before you put your last pair of clean pants on! :rotfl:

Adult children also need to learn how to cook, for themselves and for others.

xoxo wrote: »

You could always suggest reducing his lodge if he swaps rooms with your younger child? He doesn't really need the biggest room if he's only there a few nights a month.

Now that's a good plan: might concentrate his mind somewhat!

Savvy_Sue

I am now going to make a radical suggestion to the OP.

You say your son works from 2pm - 9 pm.

So, when he is at home, why not get HIM to make a good home-cooked meal at lunchtime, enough for 3, and leave two portions for you and his brother.

If he hasn't yet learned to cook, why not invite him (and maybe the g/f) over at the weekend or whenever both you and he are free, for some lessons in how to cook his favourites.