I feel a bit mean...

anxious_mum

My eldest son, age 19, has left college and is now working, earning between £250 - £300 per week. When he started earning, I asked him to set up a standing order to my bank account for £50 a week board, which he did, as his father, quite rightly, is no longer paying any maintenance for him. The maintenance was £350 per month for DS, so I am £150 down now that DXH isn't paying anything.

Thing is, he has been seeing a really nice girl for about 9 months now, and she lives very close to where he works. She still lives with her parents, but she lives in an annexe, so she doesn't 'live' with her parents, IFSWIM, although she pays them board. Anyway, DS spends probably 95% of his time with his GF. This is fine, I don't have a problem with that, but I feel that maybe I shouldn't be charging him board.....

I ring him every day to see if he's coming home for tea so that I can make sure there is something for him, he will say 'yes mum', I cook it and he texts me to say he's staying at the GF's, so the meal goes in the bin or the dog most of the time. Plus, I make sure there is lunch stuff for him, which he uses 70% of the time. Plus, I wash his clothes still.

Am I charging too much? I feel as if I should be giving it to his GF's parents, they seem to be looking after him a lot more than I do!

If he told me he was moving out, I would put my youngest DS in his room as it is much bigger than the one he is in, but I can't do that without his say so. I'm a bit torn at the moment.

Although I'm a single mum, I've always worked, and I can't say I NEED DS's input, but it does help. I can't help feeling a bit mean. What do you think?

neneromanova

Think of yourself like a landlord. If the landlord let out a room/flat too someone then the tenant started dating and didn't really spend much time back at his room/flat, he would still get charged because his stuff is there. The same could be said for your DS. I would still charge him rent as his stuff is still there and you do wash his clothes and cook him dinner.

MILLYMOLLY

My oldest pays keep when he's working away and staying at his GF's, not mean at all, and if he's not complaining leave it as it is

ViolaLass

If I had a son and he told me that he was coming home for supper and then didn't show so that the food I had cooked went to waste, I wouldn't be worrying about being mean!

Jessie11

MILLYMOLLY wrote: »

if he's not complaining leave it as it is

I second this. Maybe keep the 'shortfall' of whatever discount you'd take off the £50 and save it up incase they end up wanting to rent a place together/need a deposit?

moneypuddle

Jessie11 wrote: »

I second this. Maybe keep the 'shortfall' of whatever discount you'd take off the £50 and save it up incase they end up wanting to rent a place together/need a deposit?

I'll third this!

lostinrates

Hmm. I would also stop cooking things that cannot be refrigerated for you for another nights meal, or frozen for the same purpose, or to microwave if he comes home unexpectedly.

VfM4meplse

neneromanova wrote: »

Think of yourself like a landlord.

No, think of yourself as a parent.

zaksmum

I always felt bad taking board money from my kids but O/H insisted on it.

I took the minimum I could get away with, because I suppose kids do have to learn the value of money and how to budget. Really we'd be doing them no favours to give them a free ride through life, because the rest of the world certainly won't.

Tiglath

I'd say £7/day for having lunch stuff on hand, storing his possessions, having his laundry done, and a hot meal if he wants it is a pretty good deal - can I come and live with you please?

anxious_mum

Thanks, I don't feel so bad now. I think what I will do, is start a savings account for him, although he won't know. He has said that him and the GF might look for a rented place together after christmas, so if I put, say, £100 away per month for him it night go someway towards the initial cost of that...By April time he would have £700 that he didn't know about.

I know he needs to learn about paying his way, and I go out of my way now to help him out with lifts here and there, and food as and when needed. Believe me, we had some terrible times when he was here 24/7, I love and adore this girl for taking him away and making our relationship a really nice one now!