not celebrating birthdays etc- a big deal?

catkins

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If that is the basis of your relationship, then I agree it needs to be looked at.

I honestly don't think it is important. Next time jusr say,
'I'd like to go for a meal at so-and-so for my birthday, will you book it now?' or whatever you would like to do.

It's no big deal (at least it isn't to me).

But it is important to a lot of people, including the OP. Why should she have to tell her husband where she wants to go to eat and ask him to book it. If he knows it is important to her he should be able to think of somewhere to take her and buy a card.

I would be pretty upset if OH did not remember my birthday, our anniversary etc and not buy me at least a card or a small present. Even when we have had very little money he has maybe bought me something silly and cooked a meal for me which I have appreciated.

KiKi

I can see why you're upset, OP.

But I can also see that if you had a 'vent' and just get really cross when this happens, then he just sees it as you being annoyed. I think you need to sit down, calmly, and explain why you are frustrated, and how it makes you feel - without getting cross and annoyed and venting. It's very possible that in 'venting' he doesn't see that it's a serious issue for you.

I also think that the attitude of 'paying him back' by treating him the way you don't like to be treated isn't helpful. I understand why you'd want to do it, but it doesn't solve the issue, it just 'gets back' at him.

I think if you're seriously questioning the whole marriage on the basis of this, then yes, your marriage probably is in trouble. Because if you were seriously contemplating breaking up a marriage on the basis of him not celebrating your birthday, and haven't actually taken the time to talk about it calmly, then that says a lot more about your relationship than perhaps you've expressed in your first post.

Hope you get it sorted.
KiKi

luxor4t

When a partner celebrates your birthday they are saying "I'm glad you are alive, you are special to me."


When a partner forgets / ignores your birthday they are saying "You are not important enough to me to bother about your feelings."

Jinx

My partner doesn't forget my birthday or christmas - but he does forget he actually has to do something it like buy a card, pressie etc Christmas last year, bought him loads of stuff, he did buy me a kindle but none of the other stuff I wanted. I asked where my pressies were and he realised his blunder. I was very hurt and angry as he was off the whole week before xmas and I made it very clear. Turned up for a family dinner with alllllllll the things I wanted (way more than I expected and it cost a fortune) Why couldnt he have just bought a few the week before xmas? sigh......... Always costs him more in the long run.

Torry_Quine

I think its important to mark occassions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. but that doesn't have to be big and expensive. My husband has never forgotten any special days and never would.

loracan1

luxor4t wrote: »

When a partner celebrates your birthday they are saying "I'm glad you are alive, you are special to me."


When a partner forgets / ignores your birthday they are saying "You are not important enough to me to bother about your feelings."

or maybe, just maybe they just don't care about birthdays, and it's nothing to do with how they feel about their partner at all?

seven-day-weekend

We both forgot our wedding anniversary on Tuesday until lunchtime (we had already booked to go out for a meal on the Wednesday).

I honestly don't think it's a big deal, but I suppose if the OP is that upset over it then her husband shouldd make an effort. Does he know why she'sd upset, or does he think she'just being 4r$ey?

I suppose I found it a bit difficult to believe that someone would consider breaking up their marriage for such a trivial thing.

seven-day-weekend

loracan1 wrote: »

or maybe, just maybe they just don't care about birthdays, and it's nothing to do with how they feel about their partner at all?

Voice of reason!

Sambucus_Nigra

loracan1 wrote: »

or maybe, just maybe they just don't care about birthdays, and it's nothing to do with how they feel about their partner at all?

The OP is quite clear that her husband is happy when it's his birthday - but he won't do the same for anyone else. Including her.

My H is always happy when I make his birthday special, but he has no interest in doing the same for others.

OP - it's called being selfish. Only you know whether this is selfish enough to be a deal breaker.

irishjohn

I make a 40 mile round trip daily to enhance the quality of my mum's life in a nursing home. She needs to be fed and feels very embarrassed at having to depend on others.

My sister lives 2 minutes away from where Mum lives and works part time 3 days a week. Her family are all adult and independent. When I asked her to perhaps give me a day off once or twice a week she told me she was too busy and that's what the staff were there for. If I needed a day off I should take it and if she had time she would help. Since April she has not found time to help. Instead she "pops in" when it suits her on her way somewhere and just talks to mum - does nothing to help.

But she always remembers to send me and Mum our birthday cards. Should I be grateful?