Jealousy over Sister's pregnancy

samtoby

Barneysmom wrote: »

I think it's time you spoke up for yourself, tell him the truth. You don't want to go through life with no children of your own. You've done it his way long enough.

I sit with a lady at work who is 46 and she said to me the other day that her one wish was to have children and at the time her partner didn't want them. She is single but said she had a partner until recently.

Although I can see your partners upset; in fact to me that unimaginable it's not your fault and he must realise you want children if you have discussed it.

One of my best friends was with a guy for years - adament he was not having any children. She eventually saw her desire to have a family was more than being with him and was honest and they had a little girl a year or so later. She is the apple of her dads eye.

I hope you work it out xx

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous. Why wouldn't you? Your sister has something that you wish you had, end of it. What would be wrong is if you let your feelings affect the way you act towards her.

I personally would accept the way I feel, even tell her, but add that it doesn't stop loving her and feeling happy that she is happy and that you are about to become an auntie. I don't know why people feel ashamed to feel jealous. It's a natural feeling, and often one that is the little boost one needs to make changes in their lives.

I strongly agree how you feel is natural. I am infertile but would have loved children, finding out my bil and his gf were having a baby earlier in the year provoked huge feelings of 'jealousy' alongside with being pleased with them I felt it was unfair that dh and I are well placed to give a child a home...own home, decent income etc etc, where as bil is between jobs as often as employed and well.....less settled domestically practically ( no security of tenure) and in a new relationship. I felt as if I had not got what we 'deserved'. I took a couple of days to kick things and be utterly miserable.....then threw myself into being the best aunt on another continant the baby can have. We are waiting for the phone call in the next few weeks, I have enjoyed seeing the scans, and dh and I have offered to buy something big and useful, what ever they deem most appropriate...a travel system or whatever, becuase a new baby in the family is ALWAYS a joy, even if our lack of one is a sadness.

Life just works out like that sometimes.

But, I would say, I cannot have a baby because those are the cards I have been dealt, but you need to be honest with your partner about how you feel, Even if he doesn't want children still, as is his right, he does need to be. And to be given the opportunity to be, supportive of your feelings of loss over this.

paul2012

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I haven't discussed this with OH since we stopped seeing his kids, which has been a couple of years now, as it seemed too insensitive at the time. I didn't want it to come across as "oh well, lets have our own now yours are not around". Perhaps i could use this as a moment to talk to him again. My problem is that i put everyone elses needs and feelings before my own - which just leads to jealousy i guess!

I would definitely bring it up and STOP putting others first your needs and feelings should be your priority.

KxMx

It's fine to feel jealous and acknowledge it, but try not to let it outweigh the happiness for your sister and remember you will be an auntie!!

I would so love to be in your shoes, won't be having kids due to health reasons and my sole brother shows no sign of producing me a neice or nephew! I am 25 and loads of my friends have not only kids of their own but a horde of neices/nephews.

I was gutted when a friend who got married announced days later that baby no.2 was on the way. And a neighbour who is younger than me has a fiancee, job, social life, holidays abroad, car and a beautiful 3 yo neice (yet moans all the time she has nothing!!).

It's hard but unless you want to be bitter then you have to find some way of getting over it and coping.

Panda78

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, it's left me with a lot to think about. Hopefully i can get my head around all this, as it's not nice to feel gloomy about such a wonderful event as my Sister's first child. I am looking forward to being an Auntie and hopefully this will open a new chapter in my life, one way or another.

heartbreak_star

I'm going to be a nasty meanie here...if you know you want children, and your partner definitely doesn't...take a long, hard look at whether your relationship can continue.

Before I get yelled at, this is why - me and my ex (5 years younger than me) decided we never wanted children, but he changed his mind over the years. He was never open about it, just kept giving me sly digs about how it was selfish to not have kids and carry on family lines and how much more fun Christmas would be with kids, and how much he loved his nieces.

Eventually it led to a lot of resentment. If he'd asked me outright, all the pain could have ended a lot earlier (albeit, a lot sharper). Now I'm with someone closer to my age who also never wants children, and my ex is with someone open to having a family.

You need honesty and communication, and I wish you the best of luck.

HBS x

Panda78

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I'm going to be a nasty meanie here...if you know you want children, and your partner definitely doesn't...take a long, hard look at whether your relationship can continue.

Before I get yelled at, this is why - me and my ex (5 years younger than me) decided we never wanted children, but he changed his mind over the years. He was never open about it, just kept giving me sly digs about how it was selfish to not have kids and carry on family lines and how much more fun Christmas would be with kids, and how much he loved his nieces.

Eventually it led to a lot of resentment. If he'd asked me outright, all the pain could have ended a lot earlier (albeit, a lot sharper). Now I'm with someone closer to my age who also never wants children, and my ex is with someone open to having a family.

You need honesty and communication, and I wish you the best of luck.

HBS x

Thanks for the advice HBS and i don't find it mean We have been together for 13 years, so i thought i had come to terms with this and decided that i didn't want to lose him. Not seeing his kids over the past couple of years has made things worse as i don't have that family time now. My Sister's pregnancy has just added to these feelings i guess, but maybe when the baby arrives he/she will fill the gap in someway. After 13 years together and they have largely been happy years, it's really hard to even consider walking away from him.

Amanda65

I'm sorry your sister's pregnancy has brought all these feelings to the surface and think you should really look long and hard about what it is that you are actually 'jealous' of? Is it the fact that she has had what, on the surface, appears to be a easier ride through life so far or is it that she is pregnant?

If the former, unfortunately we all get a bit green eyed sometimes about the lives of others but some people do just seem to find life a bit more of a breeze! Deson't mean it's how you'd want to live that way, or that what it looks like from the outside is really how it is but it's human nature to sit back and just feel a bit fed up. If the latter however I think supressing your feelings for a child will eventually eat away at you and could cause you and your OH to split up anyway - maybe at a time when it really is too late (at 34 you've proabably got at least 8-10 good child bearing years ahead of you).

You say you have been with OH for 13 years - 21 is very young to acquiese to someone elses decision about not having children, even if at the time you didn't want them. If you don't admit to your OH how you feel I think think will eat away at your relationship and be very destructive. Speak to him, don't threaten to leave but say you would like to revisit the option. Find out his objections and then make your decision. For a woman there is a finite time for having children but if you honestly believe your OH on his own will be enough then great. If sometime in the future you think he may not be then you have some serious thinking. Personally as someone who always wanted children I don't think I could have stayed with OH if he didn't, no matter how much I love him I know my life wouldn't have felt complete without them (but that's just me )

Oh and finally, being an Auntie is fantastic. I love my nephew with all my heart and can spoil him to bits without all the yukky bits God luck with whatever you decide.

Panda78

Amanda65 wrote: »

I'm sorry your sister's pregnancy has brought all these feelings to the surface and think you should really look long and hard about what it is that you are actually 'jealous' of? Is it the fact that she has had what, on the surface, appears to be a easier ride through life so far or is it that she is pregnant?

If the former, unfortunately we all get a bit green eyed sometimes about the lives of others but some people do just seem to find life a bit more of a breeze! Deson't mean it's how you'd want to live that way, or that what it looks like from the outside is really how it is but it's human nature to sit back and just feel a bit fed up. If the latter however I think supressing your feelings for a child will eventually eat away at you and could cause you and your OH to split up anyway - maybe at a time when it really is too late (at 34 you've proabably got at least 8-10 good child bearing years ahead of you).

You say you have been with OH for 13 years - 21 is very young to acquiese to someone elses decision about not having children, even if at the time you didn't want them. If you don't admit to your OH how you feel I think think will eat away at your relationship and be very destructive. Speak to him, don't threaten to leave but say you would like to revisit the option. Find out his objections and then make your decision. For a woman there is a finite time for having children but if you honestly believe your OH on his own will be enough then great. If sometime in the future you think he may not be then you have some serious thinking. Personally as someone who always wanted children I don't think I could have stayed with OH if he didn't, no matter how much I love him I know my life wouldn't have felt complete without them (but that's just me )

Oh and finally, being an Auntie is fantastic. I love my nephew with all my heart and can spoil him to bits without all the yukky bits God luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks Amanda. You are correct, part of the problem is that i was very young at the time. At 21, my partner was my first "proper" relationship. I knew that i would prefer to have kids, but i probably didnt grasp the reality as much as i should have. We were both having fun, the best time of my life so far and i honestly didn't expect it to last 13 years, i was just taking things day to day back then. I'm proud that we have lasted so long, but i did expect to be a step mother to his kids. I have a step father i am close to, so i didn't see that role as a poor consolation.

Thanks for saying how great being an Auntie is. I'm trying to focus on this as well to cheer myself up. I don't have an Auntie myself, so i don't have that relationship to compare it to or know how great it can be.

Amanda65

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks Amanda. You are correct, part of the problem is that i was very young at the time. At 21, my partner was my first "proper" relationship. I knew that i would prefer to have kids, but i probably didnt grasp the reality as much as i should have. We were both having fun, the best time of my life so far and i honestly didn't expect it to last 13 years, i was just taking things day to day back then. I'm proud that we have lasted so long, but i did expect to be a step mother to his kids. I have a step father i am close to, so i didn't see that role as a poor consolation.

Thanks for saying how great being an Auntie is. I'm trying to focus on this as well to cheer myself up. I don't have an Auntie myself, so i don't have that relationship to compare it to or know how great it can be.

Sometimes these things just rumble along It's sounds as thoguh up until now it has been a good relationship and you've been happy but need to decide whether or not this will be enough for the next 30 or 40 years (or more!) Is your OH much older than you? And how old are his children now - could / would they 'come back' in the future? Silly of his wife to turn them against him - for what reason (Gosh aren't I nosey )

Finally, when I re-read my post in your quoted bit I realised I had typed 'God luck' Just to clarify that wan't a religious blessing, it was a typo :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: