Jealousy over Sister's pregnancy

Panda78

Mojisola wrote: »

To be honest, I think I'd feel rather sorry for your sister. She's naturally talented and has wasted the opportunities she had. It doesn't sound as if she's ever stood on her own two feet or behaved like an independent adult.

You have made much more of your life! What you have achieved is down to your efforts.

You can't always control the emotions that flare up even if you have rationalised a situation like not having any children so don't beat yourself up for feeling like that. If you can't manage the feelings yourself, try talking it through with a counsellor. You need to be aware that your desire for a family may be something you can't ignore and you may have to reassess your relationship with your OH.

Thanks, that is nice to hear. I have tried to do "the right thing" throughout life, get an education, pay my own way etc, but of course, somethings down the line cannot be predicted.

I can't imagine being in another relationship right now and i worry that i have left it too late anyway. Just supposing i left my partner, i wouldn't be ready to date for a while, then i would need to be in a steady relationship before trying for a baby. By that time i could easily be close to 40 and may not be able to conceive.

findingmyownway

Perhaps through the loss of his own children, your OH would be more open to the idea of more now? He must be feeling the loss as much/more than you are.

I agree with the poster who said he may be worried about the effect of children on your relationship etc, as his first broke down so badly.

Communication between the two of you is going to be key here. You need to tell him how you feel (and from your last post it looks like you have actually considered leaving him over it) and he needs to open up and tell you how he really feels about having another child.

paul2012

I completely sympathise with you BUT I do think you should be happy for your sister not jealous. Some people are just luckier in life than others there is nothing you or anyone can do to change that. instead of being envious of your sister and the fact that she will be a mother and you wont be happy that she will soon be giving you a niece/nephew who you can be there for.

Have you expressed your feelings to your partner? Maybe now he doesn't see his children he may be more open to the idea of having another child.

Panda78

findingmyownway wrote: »

Perhaps through the loss of his own children, your OH would be more open to the idea of more now? He must be feeling the loss as much/more than you are.

I agree with the poster who said he may be worried about the effect of children on your relationship etc, as his first broke down so badly.

Communication between the two of you is going to be key here. You need to tell him how you feel (and from your last post it looks like you have actually considered leaving him over it) and he needs to open up and tell you how he really feels about having another child.

paul2012 wrote: »

I completely sympathise with you BUT I do think you should be happy for you sister not jealous. Some people are just luckier in life than others there is nothing you or anyone can do to change that. instead of being envious of your sister and the that she will be a mother and you wont be happy that she will soon be giving you a niece/nephew who you can be there for.

Have you expressed your feelings to your partner? Maybe now he doesn't see his children he may be more open to the idea of having another child.

Thanks for the advice. I haven't discussed this with OH since we stopped seeing his kids, which has been a couple of years now, as it seemed too insensitive at the time. I didn't want it to come across as "oh well, lets have our own now yours are not around". Perhaps i could use this as a moment to talk to him again. My problem is that i put everyone elses needs and feelings before my own - which just leads to jealousy i guess!

Fire_Fox

IMO you need to address how you feel about having children, people change their minds, circumstances change as yours have. Consider getting counselling or another talking therapy for your own peace of mind and to be sure what you are doing is what you really want. You are absolutely not too old, people have met and conceived with a new partner later in life than you are, you have a good chance of fertility for another ten years.

Your sister is only twenty six so she has had only eight years of a charmed adult life, she has another fifty to seventy to go! Who knows if her children will be healthy or her marriage will work out, I hope you will be there to support her if she needs you and vice versa.

FatVonD

Panda78 wrote: »

I can't imagine being in another relationship right now and i worry that i have left it too late anyway. Just supposing i left my partner, i wouldn't be ready to date for a while, then i would need to be in a steady relationship before trying for a baby. By that time i could easily be close to 40 and may not be able to conceive.

What you've said there could have been me at 35. I'd wasted 6 years with a partner that *theoretically* wanted kids one day when we had a bigger house/a nanny/all the planets were in alignment. (Okay, that last one is not necessarily true but it might as well have been.)

We split up and I married on the rebound only to find that my marriage was a mistake but that because I had fertility issues anyway time was running out for me so if I wanted a baby I had to stick with the marriage. (If you think forging another relationship against the clock is difficult factor in that they will have to cough up several thousand pounds for the privelige(sp?) of donating in a paper cup rather than the 'fun' way for you to have children.)

Long term partner from before then went on to get his next 2 girlfriends pregnant while I was struggling to conceive. Do not put your baby dreams on hold for any man, they can change their mind and have kids at pretty much any age. You can't.

Sezzagirl

Awww Panda, I really feel for you here

Many years ago, before we had decided it was time to start a family, my brother's girlfriend of quite a short time, got pregnant

I was totally unprepared for the feelings of total jealousy I had. I didn't even realise that was what I wanted but, boy did my subconcious let me know what was really going on

I agree that you do need to talk to your partner about how you are feeling but not in a confrontational way if that's possible. Be ready to listen to him as well as making your feelings known. You may find that he is finding your sister's pregnancy hard to deal with too as he has not got the access he wants to his children.

Once you both know how each other is feeling, you can work out how to go forward. That may mean that you have a re-ealuation of your plans as a couple -whether those plans relate to children or other exciting challenges that you are in a better place to take advantage of

Good luck

Mojisola

Panda78 wrote: »

My problem is that i put everyone elses needs and feelings before my own - which just leads to jealousy i guess!

If you do talk to a counsellor, deal with this as well!

You can try to put everyone else first but it's not healthy and you can repress your emotions up to a point until something breaks through your barriers and you find yourself dealing with overwhelming emotions which are much stronger because they're usually denied.

Sezzagirl

Just to add, I was really happy for my brother and his girlfriend (now wife of 16 years) and have always loved my nephew to bits

Didn't stop my feelings though

Multi-tasking eh!

FBaby

There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous. Why wouldn't you? Your sister has something that you wish you had, end of it. What would be wrong is if you let your feelings affect the way you act towards her.

I personally would accept the way I feel, even tell her, but add that it doesn't stop loving her and feeling happy that she is happy and that you are about to become an auntie. I don't know why people feel ashamed to feel jealous. It's a natural feeling, and often one that is the little boost one needs to make changes in their lives.