Jealousy over Sister's pregnancy

Panda78

I'm 34 and Sister is 26. She is 2 months pregnant and i'm finding it really hard to get over my jealousy, she just seems to have such an easier life than me, with no effort made. I studied hard all the way through to University. She was naturally more gifted, but dropped out of college, did a few jobs until the age of 21 and has not worked since. Her boyfriend (now husband) was kind enough to give her an allowance, even though they were not living together at the time. They have since married, bought a house and are now expecting a baby.

I have a good job, but am still renting and my partner works 6 days a week. We have been saving for a house deposit for years. We no longer see his children, as their mother has turned them against him. I knew at the start of the relationship that he didn't want more kids and i came to terms with this, because i thought i would at least have step children. Now i don't have either and cannot stop feeling jealous over my Sister's pregnancy.

I'd just like to know how this sounds to an outsider, as it's really getting me down at the moment. Thanks for any advice.

Any

You have to stop thinking that everyone (I know you are not saying everyone, but you will get my point) has better life then you, have it easier.
Would you want life like hers? Would you want to be without uni, no job, reliable on someone else...?? Would you want her boyifriend? Her lifestyle? Really? Down there? We make our own way in our life, like we want it to be.

I think your main issue is if you want a child and your OH does not. That might be what started you thinking mainly. Nothing to do with your sister, only the existance of pregnancy brought out what you are possibly going to miss.

thorsoak

Oh dear - I do feel so sorry for you - it would seem from your post that you are not a happy person, and now your sister's pregnancy is bringing up everything in your life that doesn't "fit".

Try and be happy for your sister - you've both chosen your own paths in life - and even if it is pretence at first, you may find that you CAN be happy for her - and even if you never ever have your own child, you will have a baby neice or nephew to cuddle.

Maybe your sister's pregnancy will act as a catalyst to you in your own life and you may decide to make changes - but whatever you do, try to be happy for your sister. {{hugs}}

amyloofoo

*hugs* This can't be easy for you, but I agree with the majority of what Any's said. You have lots to be grateful for, and I think that probably the main issue leading to this 'jealousy' is that you would like to have a child but feel that your partner doesn't. Maybe it's time to talk to him again? Circumstances have changed for both of you and it's only fair (for you both) to let him know how you feel.

Panda78

Thanks for the replies Any and thorsoak.

You are both correct in that i have made my own choices/path. There is definetely nobody to blame and i haven't mentioned this to anyone because i know it's not right to show this selfishness. I am glad i have my own money and independence, so that is worth remembering.

I do really miss the family time i had with my step children, they filled the hole of not having my own. My partner was very honest and made it clear early in our relationship that he did not want more kids. I did discuss it with him twice more over the years, but he hasn't changed him mind. I don't think it's fair of me to bring it up again, as neither of us expected to lose contact with his children and this obviously hurts him even more than me.

thorsoak

Think of it this way......you can be the Aunty with the most.....you can have the pleasures - enjoying treating little one - but at the end of the day, handing her/him back to Mum & Dad when s/he is tired and grotty!

Panda78

amyloofoo wrote: »

*hugs* This can't be easy for you, but I agree with the majority of what Any's said. You have lots to be grateful for, and I think that probably the main issue leading to this 'jealousy' is that you would like to have a child but feel that your partner doesn't. Maybe it's time to talk to him again? Circumstances have changed for both of you and it's only fair (for you both) to let him know how you feel.[/QUOTE]

I would like to but it's been a stressful couple of years. Spent a small fortune going through the courts to get visiting rights - which he won - but the Judge then said that the kids are now of an age where they can choose not to see him if they want! Nobody questions the obvious thing that the mother has turned the kids against him. They previously had such a close relationship.

It's been really emotional and i don't want to give my partner an ultimatum or leave him over this. Basically, life has not turned out in the way i had hoped, but i do know i have other things to be grateful for.

Any

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies Any and thorsoak.

You are both correct in that i have made my own choices/path. There is definetely nobody to blame and i haven't mentioned this to anyone because i know it's not right to show this selfishness. I am glad i have my own money and independence, so that is worth remembering.

I do really miss the family time i had with my step children, they filled the hole of not having my own. My partner was very honest and made it clear early in our relationship that he did not want more kids. I did discuss it with him twice more over the years, but he hasn't changed him mind. I don't think it's fair of me to bring it up again, as neither of us expected to lose contact with his children and this obviously hurts him even more than me.

Yes, it definitely is always worth remembering that you have a good life, the way you wanted it (where job, education and independence are concerned), that you cannot have it all and what you do have is what you wanted and you achieved entirely by yourself.

Where the kids are concerned - I understand what you are saying, but you need to rethink and decide why did this pregnancy shook you so much and if you are going to sacrifice children for your man, make decision and stick with it once and for good. And then always remind yourself why you chose the way you did.

Just because it is too painfull for him doesn't mean that your pain should be ignored. You feel the way you do because something is up. It might be only temporary doubt because the pregnancy is so close to home, but it also might be because you are refusing yourself to think about what you really want and one day you might end up hating your OH for not giving you the chance.

It will give you inside into yourself and make you happier with yourself once you go through your own mind.

RAS

Panda78 wrote: »

I do really miss the family time i had with my step children, they filled the hole of not having my own. My partner was very honest and made it clear early in our relationship that he did not want more kids. I did discuss it with him twice more over the years, but he hasn't changed him mind. I don't think it's fair of me to bring it up again, as neither of us expected to lose contact with his children and this obviously hurts him even more than me.

Sorry but I think you really do need to let your partner know how you feel about the pregnancy.

1. If you do not, what is not said is going to cause a rift between you.
2. Having said no twice and lost contact with his kids maybe he thinks differently now but dare not share? Or maybe what he is actually scared of is the risk of losing contact with any child you had together? or the imnpact of a child on your relationship if this adversely affect his previous relationship?

Barneysmom

I think it's time you spoke up for yourself, tell him the truth. You don't want to go through life with no children of your own. You've done it his way long enough.

Mojisola

Panda78 wrote: »

she just seems to have such an easier life than me, with no effort made.

I studied hard all the way through to University.

She was naturally more gifted, but dropped out of college, did a few jobs until the age of 21 and has not worked since. Her boyfriend (now husband) was kind enough to give her an allowance, even though they were not living together at the time. They have since married, bought a house and are now expecting a baby.

To be honest, I think I'd feel rather sorry for your sister. She's naturally talented and has wasted the opportunities she had. It doesn't sound as if she's ever stood on her own two feet or behaved like an independent adult.

You have made much more of your life! What you have achieved is down to your efforts.

You can't always control the emotions that flare up even if you have rationalised a situation like not having any children so don't beat yourself up for feeling like that. If you can't manage the feelings yourself, try talking it through with a counsellor. You need to be aware that your desire for a family may be something you can't ignore and you may have to reassess your relationship with your OH.