Controlled crying?

alice's_mum

We did this controlled crying over 8 years ago with DS. He could happily sleep all afternoon and still sleep all night, but worked out how to get out of his cot, he was 18months old!!! we'd put him to bed and he would just lie there and then climb out as soon as we left the room. it took 4 nights of picking him up and putting him back in bed, not speaking to him and even holding the door shut to stop him getting out. he screamed and cried and did all the things your son is doing, but after night 3 when he got out twice and I held the door to stop him getting out of his room (sounds harsh but I knew he was oK) he got back into the cot and went to sleep and on night 4 he got out of the cot and shut the bedroom door and went to sleep on the floor by the door!!! Never had any problems after that. he's 8 now and still has a really good bedtime routine, bath or shower, supper -weetabix and warm milk to drink - story, teeth & toilet and bed. He'll go to bed about 7.30pm and get up the next day at 7am. I am convinced it's so good because we were so strict with his routine when he was little.

It's hard and horrible to do to start with, everything in being a mum means you want to go to your lo when they cry, but if you know they are ok you just have to persever(sp?) for both your sakes, you need the rest and the time to yourselves and he needs the sleep. And it will only make life better in the long run.

Carmina_Piranha_3

one thing i thought of - if your OH shouts does that make you feel sorry for the little one and give him lots of cuddles to make up for the negative effect of being shouted at? (i wouldn't go to sleep if somebody shouted at me). i noticed this yesterday in a family we were eating with - the dad yelled a lot and the mum was extra soft on the children to make up for it, so they behaved twice as bad as they would have if both parents showed a united front with no yelling and no being too soft.

if it's like that with you and OH perhaps you could agree beforehand on what 'the rules' are, that he won't shout and you won't be too soft?

good luck with it!!

janb5

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

one thing i thought of -
if it's like that with you and OH perhaps you could agree beforehand on what 'the rules' are, that he won't shout and you won't be too soft?

good luck with it!!

I so agree with Carmina- even if you disagree with your OH agree to agree publicly and discuss it in private! Children are very clever in spotting the weakest link!

achtunglady

I did the controlled crying thing after being tired and at my wits end. I rang up the La Leche League helpline and was told how to do it.

DS was 6 months old and was waking every two hours, this coupled with me breastfeeding left me absolutely shattered and I could take no more.

I was told to put him to bed as normal at 10pm then when he woke the next time let him cry for about 10 mins then go to him. Then the next time he cried leave him for 15 mins before going in, and this I did, it took about 3 days for him to sleep from 10pm ish to 5 am, giving me enough sleep.

I followed this too with DD, she took a bit longer about 5 days and the controlled crying coupled with bedtime routine has made their going to bed time an easy trouble free one.

With DD she has her dinner and then its winding down time, then when i tell her its "nigh-nights time" she gets up, gives her dad a kiss and cuddle then her brother and follows me to her room. I have a glow in the dark star hanging from the ceiling, and her night time ritual is to hit it so it swings, then i get my kiss and cuddle and then shes put in her cot, covered and then she asks for her "mulk", then she says "nigh nights, lub you, see in mornin, sweet dreams" and if this doesnt get said she cries but as long as its said before her door closes shes fine.

tra_2

This is going to sound crazy but..... when my lo started waking in the night, my ninety year old nan said that he probably had cold feet and needed socks. At my wits end, I gave it a go and hey presto, slept through ever since!!

nicolaspets

Hi,
I know exactly where you are at, but belive me, controlled crying does work, although it is very hard work.
My 27 month old now sleeps for 13 hours a night and goes in to his cot (bed soon) without a murmur.
I have 4 children and all have learnt by this method.
I would estimate that 3 nights should do the trick, and I have just gone in every 5 mins and firmly said "bedtime", none of mine have ever cried for longer than an hour (although that is an extremely long hour).
I would advise that instead of staring at the monitor and getting stessed, keep busy and time the 5 minutes.
If your child is able to get out of the bed and room, fit a baby gate to the door, I did this on health visitors advise to my 3 yr old ( now 15) and braced myself for nights of anguish, this never did happen (2-3 nights max), and I wouldn't have done it to the next 3 if it didn't work and benefit everyone.
I was a single mother then, so you could do it on your own, although it sometimes works better if it is not the person who normally goes to the child every 5 mins.
I wish you the best of luck, and the most important thing to remember is... there is no point at all leaving your child to cry if you are going to end up going in to him after YOU can't stand it anymore, it does work and I have not known anyone who follows the correct method, to not succeed, but you have to be 100% commited, as every bone in your body will tell you that it is wrong whilst the child is crying, but it will benefit all of you .

Philip624

Controlled crying works if you can get over the first few days where you may find the baby gets worse before it gets better. The idea is simply to put them down awake so that they learn to put themselves to sleep.

You should only start it when the child is well. A good time to start depending on your working houors is a Friday night.

Start by giving them a feed but dont let them fall asleep on the boob/bottle, do it with the light on maybe and keep talking to them to keep them semi-alert and put them in the cot awake. They will cry, loudly, wait one minute. go in to calm them, they may not necessarily calm down fully and you should only go in for aminute or so, you can stroke them and talk to them but do not lift them out the cot. When you leave they will almost certainly cry again, even louder, this time wait two minutes before going in etc etc. Repeat the process if they wake in the night.

Keep a diary each day and even if you feel you are not progressing much you will be suprised when you add up how long it takes them to go to sleep by themselves each night. Our 10 month old had never slept through the night, we started controlled crying 10 days ago, its not cracked yet but on easter sunday she slept through for the first time ever.

If you start it, you must stick with it, you will find it eaiser after a few days and you may even feel able to make it 5 mins 10 mins as opposed to 1 min 2 mins. You also need to look at what the routine is for putting baby down, is it always mummy? The way it has worked for us is mummy puts our duaghter down and it is me that goes in when she wakes.

It is very stressful to start with, even though it worked with our first the day we planned to start with our second I felt so sick and stressed at the thought of what was to come, one confused baby crying, that my mind was elsewhere and I scraped our car parking it(£500 bill doh!).

But you must be strong and stick with it and youll be teaching them a fantastic skill, the ability to put themselves to sleep.

Bun

We did this but I used a much shorter version, in that I went in at regular intervals, so he knew I was there, but did not get him out, talk etc. It meant I was not as stressed as if he had cried for 20 mins or so, and he slept through from 10 weeks.

One thing to bear in mind for bables (obviously not the OP) is that if you are breastfeeding it sometimes works for Dad/someone else other than Mum to do it as they can smell the milk and it wakes them up.

Philip624

One thing to bear in mind for bables (obviously not the OP) is that if you are breastfeeding it sometimes works for Dad/someone else other than Mum to do it as they can smell the milk and it wakes them up.

Yes, definately, thats the case with our two. Also it is hard at first but after a few days you will find you become more immune to the crying and wont find it as stressful, indeed it is unlikely to be quite as loud and wailing.