Can I claim any benefits if husband wont support me

BigAunty

princessdon wrote: »

Can I just re-iterate that the OH is getting a hard ride right now. Who knows if they are aware of how their wife feels! Many workers (male or female) will be the breadwinner and budget holder and are not psychic as to the needs or their partner.

It's almost trial by abusive partner. An innocence as to how their share money is not emotional abuse!

Posters on these threads generally operate on the principle that they are being told the truth about an issue and keep their advice relevant to the OP rather than take the side of someone whose version of events they are never going to be party to.

That's why it seems the advice is so pro the OPs daughter - its hard enough giving advice to a specific post without having to imagine how the unknown party feels.

It may be that it's just a minor relationship issue, the guy is not used to sharing and the OPs daughter has been a bit remiss in discussing matters and a good chat would have stopped her being stranded barefoot at home while he refuses to provide any kind of support to her as she raises his children.

It seems an extraordinary thing to bar a partner from using a car or not providing any housekeeping money. Whether it's cruel abuse or just minor stinginess that would end if he's made better aware of its impact, we don't know.

Perhaps we will see a thread on here written by a guy whose wife has ended their relationship who claims she bled him dry financially and is too lazy to find part time work to pay for her never ending quest for luxury goods, who has no idea how hard he works and is forcing them to live beyond their means, causing him untold stress. He's slogging his guts out and he can barely afford the petrol in the car...

margaretclare

robpw2 wrote: »

she probbay in all honesty does not know she is being mentally abused, or
she will be made to feel that she must stay for the children and that the worry of how she will cope without him is far bigger then you can imagine. she has probably been made to feel like she is worthless that she is nothing without him. ( i have seen this happen ) its often not big things that are really obvious its small things over a number of years, its the clevelrly timed comment here and there but whatever is said it is always made to be the fault of the victim and never the perputrators fault.

you clearly have no understanding of what domestic abuse can do to a person and how much it affects someone . Yes its easier for us to say life would be so mch better for her if she left him but she won't see it no matter how much you tell her.

As for the op , i feel for you, you need to help your daughter get the courage to move , and to move on , You need to show her that she is worth everything.

I completely agree with all of this.

'She won't see it, no matter how much you tell her'. Not until she has her own 'lightbulb moment'. Then she will see it in full, and the worm will turn at last.

The only thing to say about 'she won't leave the house because it's the children's home and they are her priority' is - how it is a healthy upbringing for children to grow up in this kind of an atmosphere? Don't believe for a moment that the children won't be aware of what is going on even if they don't understand it.

margaretclare

Perhaps we will see a thread on here written by a guy whose wife has ended their relationship who claims she bled him dry financially and is too lazy to find part time work to pay for her never ending quest for luxury goods, who has no idea how hard he works and is forcing them to live beyond their means, causing him untold stress. He's slogging his guts out and he can barely afford the petrol in the car...

Well, this is almost word-for-word what my DH might have written about his last marriage, coupled with what another poster termed the 'cleverly timed comment', plus physical abuse and emotional coldness. The day before he left, she insisted on going to a cat rescue place and getting 2 cats, for which she wrote a cheque on their joint bank account knowing the account was empty. He'd come to the end of yet another short-term contract and had pleaded with her to retrench. It fell on deaf ears.

He was the one who managed to get out, though. She didn't end the relationship. To this day, he believes that if he hadn't got out he'd be dead by now, either of the stress which was making impossible the control of his diabetes, or she'd have killed him in some other way. Either that, or he'd be in jail because he'd have flipped and killed her.

sniggings

BigAunty wrote: »

Posters on these threads generally operate on the principle that they are being told the truth about an issue and keep their advice relevant to the OP rather than take the side of someone whose version of events they are never going to be party to.

That's why it seems the advice is so pro the OPs daughter - its hard enough giving advice to a specific post without having to imagine how the unknown party feels.

It may be that it's just a minor relationship issue, the guy is not used to sharing and the OPs daughter has been a bit remiss in discussing matters and a good chat would have stopped her being stranded barefoot at home while he refuses to provide any kind of support to her as she raises his children.

It seems an extraordinary thing to bar a partner from using a car or not providing any housekeeping money. Whether it's cruel abuse or just minor stinginess that would end if he's made better aware of its impact, we don't know.

Perhaps we will see a thread on here written by a guy whose wife has ended their relationship who claims she bled him dry financially and is too lazy to find part time work to pay for her never ending quest for luxury goods, who has no idea how hard he works and is forcing them to live beyond their means, causing him untold stress. He's slogging his guts out and he can barely afford the petrol in the car...

good post and I agree.

I will add too that as the OP has said she hasn't given her daughter much financial help as

She is still in the family home as is he and he is paying the bills and buying food only.

and

. Dont get me wrong I would give her my last pennies but that would let him off the hook

suggests to me that the situation is not a clear case of aduse, it could be a case of the wife trying to live beyond her means, as the OP has said he paids the bills and buys the food and mortgage, maybe there isn't money left for her to have money in her pocket, even if there was money left over, the OP's daughter can't be left destitute or surely the OP wouldn't be concerned about not letting the husband off the hook but giving her all the help she needs.

jjj1980

I was a victim of domestic abuse in the verbal, mental and financial type from my ex-husband and whilst not hi-jacking the thread, I would just want to say that going to Women's Aid was the best thing I did.

They had me sat with a solicitor within an hour, with police in attendance to deal with my ex's ongoing behaviour. Due to threats from my ex I was also put on a vulnerable list, where the police do regular drives past the house to ensure I remained safe at home.

I am now divorced and whilst the last couple of years of dealing with my ex have been he'll, I am no longer frightened of him as his threats have never been carried out.

If in the Ops daughters case, it is a case of the husband not understanding that he needs to share more equally then maybe counselling would be a way forward.

However, if the behaviour is a genuine case of him being controlling of her, then she needs to get out of there. I know it's hard but in these cases, the victim needs to reach the point of a lightbulb going on and them realising they are not the ones in the wrong and that the way they are being forced to live is not normal, despite what their partner is telling them.

OP, I really hope your daughter can find a way out of this situation. Is there any way she can stay with you on a temporary basis until she can find somewhere to live?

Ellejmorgan

MONEYMAKINGMUM wrote: »

Though neither of them in the relationship may recognise their behaviour as abusive it is always easier to see from the outside looking in. Control and saying or doing anything so one person is constantly controlling the other (emotionally/financially/physically etc) is what makes it different from a relationship 'blip' and a pattern of behaviour which is unlikely to change.
Please look at the links the previous posters have put on this thread. Your daughter is not the first person to realise the situation cannot continue and something must change.
May I recommend 'The Freedom Programme' to liberate her mind from the residual brainwashing. (Living with the dominator is a book that accompanies TFP)

Really good advice, the freedom programme can also be taught online and there are courses all across the country..
The programme helps the victim with self esteem by explaining certain dominators behaviours..

I have links with the author and I know she is publishing the second book in the series..
I think everyone should read the book anyway wether they are in a destructive relationship or not..

PippaGirl_2

I'm waiting for a place on the Freedom Programme, my social worker is arranging it. I'm also having Psychotherapy (probably CBT) to try to undo that inner critical voice that constantly criticises me just as he did. I know that's where it comes from but it doesn't make it go away. When you are in an abusive relationship your self esteem is rock bottom, you believe it is your fault and you deserve it, that you are imagining it, that you are rubbish, a failure and unfortunately for me anyway those beliefs don't go away the moment you walk out of the door.