Child contact - aka "pass the parcel"

HurdyGurdy

My daughter and her ex had an acrimonious break up. Then they managed to be civil, and now they are back being unable to be in the same room.

Things came to a head last week when he arrived to collect their 17 month old for overnight contact. They ended up in an argument resulting in him kicking the front door of my daughter's flat, and pushing my daughter over, causing her to hit her arm/wrist and bang her head. The baby was outside in the pushchair in the hallway, crying (not surprisingly).

My daughter was shocked, hurt, frightened and upset, and called the police. They took the details, visited the ex at his place to do a welfare check on the baby, and advised using a mediator for future contact. They arranged with the ex that when he returned the child the following afternoon, he would press the entryphone buzzer and I would go downstairs and take the child from him, thus avoiding the parents having to see each other. This was more or less what happened, except that the ex stayed round the corner from the flats, and his friend brought the baby to the door.

Since last Thursday evening, when they had their argument, the ex has not contacted my daughter. Not to ask how the child is etc.

He works in a local hotel, and gets his work rota for the week on a Sunday. He then contacts my daughter to say when he wants to have the child - a few hours on a couple of days, and an overnight stay usually.

My daughter has heard nothing from him until about 10pm this evening, when she received a Facebook message from the ex's friend, which says:

"Hi COLOR="Magenta"]my daughter[/COLOR. I am contacting you on behalf of COLOR="Blue"]her ex[/COLOR. He would like to arrange to have [the baby] from half four on Thursday until 5 on Friday.

He has no wish to see you in person or communicate directly with you anymore and so has arranged that you can bring [the baby] to the hotel on Thursday at half four, and COLOR="Lime"]ex's flatmate[/COLOR will collect [the baby] from you and take her to [her ex], who will be in a different part of the hotel.

On Friday he will have her returned again to your outside door to either you or your mother.

If you could please confirm to me, I will pass it on to him, so he can make the necessary arrangements. Thanks. COLOR="DarkOrange"]ex's friend[/COLOR"

Is this reasonable? I don't know if I am too close to the situation to be able to see this rationally. It just strikes me as ridiculous that there are now five people involved in contact arrangements, and it's feeling a bit like pass the parcel.

My daughter has an appointment with a solicitor on Friday to talk about a Residency Order and to formalise contact arrangements. I am not sure if the above will be seen as a positive or a negative in relation to this. Surely the two of them have GOT to be able to speak to each other, or at least message each other directly, when it comes to the baby?

Tiglath

Does she really know any of the other people in this chain? I wouldn't be handing my kid over to just anyone, and the ex has shot himself in the foot by being violent. Difficult situation. It seems that he's following the police advice to use a mediator - depends how happy she is about that. Does she want to deal with him directly?

paddedjohn

I too would be unhappy to hand the baby over to a stranger, is it not possible for you to be the piggy in the middle for the time being until things have calmed down and take the baby to the hotel for him and collect her/him when time to return to mum.

HurdyGurdy

Thank you Tiglath. No - she doesn't really know these people very well. The friend who messaged her lives in North Wales, we live just north of London. She has met the flatmate a few times and neither likes nor dislikes him - never got to know him well enough to form an opinion either way.

My daughter doesn't really want to deal directly with him - especially after he has become physically aggressive towards her - but accepts that it's not really feasible not to, given that they have the child together. However, it's the "chain gang" involved in arranging this week's contact that has taken her breath away. Really seems like overkill.

They don't really have mutual friends that either would trust to "take and deliver" the baby from one parent to the other. I would be happy to do this, but I work full time (although my office is just a five minute walk from my daughter's flats) but he clearly doesn't want me to be involved in this.

sigh - just don't know what to suggest for the best here.

HurdyGurdy

paddedjohn - I would be more than willing to try and help out (for the baby's sake), but it is a bit awkward as I work full time. If they would be prepared to do the handover at my office, it might work. Otherwise, I've no idea how this is going to work out.

Tiglath

I'd say she'd be within her rights not to accept this as a parent, but that might just add fuel to the fire. Only she will know if the ex is doing this because he wants to comply with the police advice or whether he's just being bloodyminded. Going for a formal contact arrangement via a solicitor seems the best solution, but obviously doesn't help the arrangements for this week. Can she speak to the flatmate directly? I'm taking it that the Facebook contact isn't the flatmate?

podperson

It does seem a bit like overkill but obviously things are very tense/volatile between them at the moment so maybe it would be best to have a go-between for access at least for a week or two while they can both calm down a bit to the stage where they can perhaps discuss some guidelines for pick ups/drop offs in future to try and avoid something like this happening. At least he is still wanting to see the child, even if in a rather roundabout way. Would you be free at that time to drop off the child if your daughter is uncomfortable leaving them with the ex's friend? It could be suggested to the ex if so.

faerie~spangles

Sounds to me that your daughter's ex desperately wants to avoid any contact with her.

However wishes to have contact with his child.

ETA: ...and no contact with you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why isn't she pressing charges?


He assaulted her.

That's against the law.



What happens next time she says something he doesn't like - does she come downstairs to collect the little one and find him there waiting to smack her one?


Unless, of course, he's actually being prosecuted by the police as a result of admitting his violent crime and he's been ordered not to go within x number of yards. Which is tough luck on him, IMO.

Lexxi

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

but he clearly doesn't want me to be involved in this.

This isn't just his decision! It is your daughters too and if she is not happy with playing pass the parcel with her child with a bunch of people she doesn't know she needs to tell either the ex or one of the others involved and come up with a better solution.
I expect he doesn't want to see you because he is ashamed and if he isn't he should be!
Could the daughter bring the child to you and you and the ex meet between your work and his?

cheepskate_2

OP , you only have one side of the story about the argument/police,,,i assume.

It looks like the Ex wants to protect himself from further trouble, so is using a go -between.

As for 5 people involved, Why would it be ok for your daughter to have a go -between but not the ex, considering she is now calling the police on him(rightly or wrongly, ).

I actually think this is a good idea, if they cannot get on. It not only safeguards your daughter, but safeguards the ex. The ex obviously trusts the go-between as does your daughter to you.