How to end a friendship?

mrsrwallace

Not sure if this should be on this forum or on Discussion Time but hopefully someone can give me some pointers.

Basically I have had a friendship with this person (I shall call her Betsy to protect my identity!) for decades and we are in a group of 5 who have been friends since time began nearly. Over the last couple of years I have found myself avoiding contact with Betsy and any time we do meet up I feel as if I am going through the motions and cannot wait to get home again.

I have since discovered that 2 others in our group have been feeling the same but not necessarily as bad as me. They are happy to meet but keep it on neutral ground as in a restaurant or whatever but as I cannot afford to eat out Betsy and I tend to meet at each other's homes which I now feel annoyed about as I really don't want her in my home.

I feel she has been lying to me (and possibly the others) about a lot of things and I have been trying to gather proof about my suspicions and have got some "evidence" that she has lied but I don't know what to do about it. They are not little white lies either, there is in my opinion an element of fraudulent behaviour involved and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have 100% proof that Betsy is doing anything wrong and that is my issue. Deep down I KNOW she is lying and up to something and telling us serious mistruths but I also know I can't prove it so I can't really report her with only my suspicions can I?

I just feel my time is precious and I cannot be bothered with her lies so how do I cut all ties with her without affecting the group? If I see her I actually get anxious and feel like I have to bite my tongue before i burst out all my suspicions and end up looking like a fool. She is so crafty and I would end up looking stupid and irrational. I have been dreaming about it all lately and in my dreams there is a confrontation between us where I vent it all and tell her to get lost but in reality I would rather not have the confrontation but because there is the group of us it would be totally awkward if there was this big row. I wouldn't expect them to take sides or anything. I just think that as I am getting older I don't need her in my life. I feel as if she is playing us and laughing at our gullibility. Any suggestions??

whitewing

Do you know why she is lying?

McKneff

If you have been friends for so long, and apparently good friends, I dont understand why you cant talk to her about it.

What is the fraud you think she is doing.

Mojisola

mrsrwallace wrote: »

Over the last couple of years I have found myself avoiding contact with Betsy and any time we do meet up I feel as if I am going through the motions and cannot wait to get home again.

as I cannot afford to eat out Betsy and I tend to meet at each other's homes which I now feel annoyed about as I really don't want her in my home.

I feel she has been lying to me (and possibly the others) about a lot of things

Deep down I KNOW she is lying and up to something and telling us serious mistruths but I also know I can't prove it so I can't really report her with only my suspicions can I?

If I see her I actually get anxious

If someone makes you feel like this, you don't need them in your life. You don't have to confront her or justify why you want to back off from the relationship.

If you can't bring yourself to stop it outright just be unavailable for get-togethers at home. You don't have to give precise explanations - I've got stuff happening in my life that needs my attention, I just haven't got time at the moment to meet up, etc.

globetraveller

So why are you continuing to meet this woman both at her house and yours? Very strange. Just dont invite her and turn down her invite. Life is too short.

mrsrwallace

thanks for replies

I think she is committing benefit fraud on a grand scale. Basically along the lines of saying her relationship with the kids' dad is over so she can claim benefits but deep down I know the relationship is still very much on and this extra money she can claim now is being used to help clear their joint debts.

The point made about being good friends and that we should be able to discuss it is very valid. However, she is a very closed person in that any attempt I would make to get my point across would be shot down. If she doesn't want to talk about something she just won't no matter what I say or do about it. I have made previous attempts to let her know my suspicions but she has an answer for everything. It's like CID quizzing a suspect and you get the same rehearsed answers all the time. I haven't outright accused her to her face but I have mentioned how things have significantly improved in relation to the amount of cash she has now compared to before and she vaguely mentions how the relationship may get back on track in the future (but in the meantime she is happy to receive the money).

londonsurrey

If you are inviting people to your home, just invite the others, and say "X, Y and Z are invited, no one else". You have every right to control who is invited to your home.

Who knows, the others may follow your cue. But at least you're doing your bit to control who you associate with.

mrsrwallace

I think a part of my problem is that I am in such a mess with debt but doing it the morally right way and sorting it out whereas they are on the fiddle and actually benefitting from the high wages he earns and the free house and benefits Betsy gets so their outgoings are low and their debt is being cleared while I am struggling to exist.

BitterAndTwisted

Are you certain that your antipathy towards this "friend" is driven by moral outrage rather than jealousy?

If you think they're on the fiddle and you're justifiably disapproving of their behaviour just report them and be done with it.

You don't need an excuse to stop seeing someone who you don't feel an accord with any longer, just exclude her and if she asks why, be honest about your feelings

marisco_2

You have been friends with a close group of women for many years. You have an individual relationship with each of them. I am sure there have been many things you have said or done over the years that have cemented your friendships. The fact that you are no longer close to or trust one of them shouldn't effect how you get on with the rest. Friendships dependant on everyone in a group getting along are left behind in our school days. The 'if you dont play with her I wont be your friend either' scenario stopped applying years back. At least it should in friendships worth having.

If you dont like or trust this woman any more then tell her straight. Being honest is not being confrontational. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. Better no contact at all than seeing her and talking to her whilst all the while hating every minute of it. That is pointless.

Sometimes as an adult you have to have a good spring clean of relationships. Life is way to short to be around people that make you feel bad and that you dont trust or respect.

londonsurrey

marisco wrote: »

Better no contact at all than seeing her and talking to her whilst all the while hating every minute of it. That is pointless.

I totally agree with this. Whether you're in the right or wrong, or I'm in the right or wrong, I would far rather you didn't pretend to like me or put up with my company if you didn't want it.

Otherwise, I'd be expanding my energy and friendship on someone who didn't want it, and we'd just be wasting each other's time, and I'd be really upset to think back about all the smiles and laughter and realise it was false.