Suitable punishment for eldest son...

lovesabargain123

Wondered what your thoughts on this are please as my over tired brain wants to have him hung and quartered!

Ds is 14year old, not a bad lad but a bit stupid for want of a better word and has been caught of telling lies of various occasions , like when when he's suppose to be staying at a mates house he hasn't etc
Earlier in the year/end of last year he got in with a bad group of lads that are know to the police, known for being violent and basically just trouble.., we soon knocked this on the head and he wasn't allowed to go out with them! We've also being very ott about not letting him stay out and if he does speaking to the parents etc.....
He has been a lot better and the lad he now hangs round with is seemingly a good lad!

Anyway last night, he says he's sleeping at friends house and I have no reason to not believe him, he tells me he's going to a local event and the there going home... Fine!

Later in the evening dh sees he's updated his bbm saying that he is with the group of lads that are trouble. So I text him asking to get in touch, nothing..l ring and it's switched off. So I've had a nosey round his fb and seemingly he's lied again, isn't sleeping at the friends house. They have gone to a party in an abandoned house!!!!!! And we're discussing how to get alcahol, earlier in the conversation one of the lads had mentioned getting high on deodorant and smoking a s p l I f f......

So still not able to get hold of him, dh spends 2 hours driving round looking for him and this abandoned house and can't find him. Goes to the lads house he's suppose to be sleeping at and no one in!!!!

So, comes to 4am and I get a text message saying..'sorry mum,my battery died,I'm fine at friends house'.... By this point I'm beside myself!!!! So I ring him and he tells me (not straight away ,with persuasion ;-)) that he is at another boys house who I have never heard of , whose parents aren't there and he'll see me in the morning!!! Like he ll he will!!!!
I drive to pick him up and apparently he'd bought 4 cans of bud but gave 1.5 away. He didn't seem drunk or high if I'm honest, just the normal remorseful' I'm sorry I shouldn't have done it' but he says he lied as I'm too over protective and I wouldn't have let him go but everyone else goes!!!!
I told him the reason I wouldn't let him go is because I can't trust him and by continuing to lie he's not helping himself!!! By this point is was almost 5am so we went to bed and I said I'll deal with it today..

Sorry it's a bit long winded.. My instinct wants to ground him , take his phone,ps3 etc away for a very long time as there is no way I'm allowing the lies and deceit to continue but wondering if anyone has come through the other end and had any helpful advice for me xxx

Dunroamin

Ground him for several weeks.

cutestkids

I would ground him and his phone would be taken away for the duration of the grounding (he won't need it if he's grounded as you will know where he is).

I would also only allow access to the internet if it is needed for homework, I would not allow him on facebook etc.

I would also tell him that when he is no longer grounded he will have to rebuild your trust so you will not be giving the same freedom he has had until he can prove he is responsible with it.

While he is grounded I would have plenty of jobs for him to around the house, cutting grass, washing the car so he dosent just laze about watching TV

*Louise*

If he was mine - for starters the phone would be coming off him (would give him a bog standard one for going to school so I could get in touch, no bbm or internet on it) I would change the password on fb so he couldn't access it for a while

Everything else (games consoles)would be taken off him and he would have extra chores. I would give them back after a week or so but not the phone/internet for a good while longer.

I would also have regular chats about what he has learned from this, how he can change and ways he can rebuild the trust in him, and discuss the dangers of hanging around with a bad crowd.

poet123

First of all I would be "scarily calm" I would not rant or rave, I would make him understand that he had let me down, let himself down and had seriously disappointed me.

Where is he coming into contact with these lads? If at school I would tell him that if he cannot be trusted not to mix with them you will have to give serious thought to a change of school. Obviously, at 14 that would have to be a last resort but he need not know that!

There are serious issues here for a 14 year old, drink, being out of contact until 4am, possibly drugs. I would be tempted to give him a short sharp shock by perhaps asking a local police officer to have a word and give him an insight as to where these kinds of issues can lead and how lives can be affected. I would of course ground him and remove his phone (a basic PAYG instead for my contact purposes) and remove his FB access.

I would leave the PS3. I would also be pushing the friendship with the lad who is well behaved and would allow him to come round.

Finally, if these lads are at your son's school I would be having a word with the Head of Year and putting her in the picture, if they are in the same sets she can facilitate a move or at least monitor the situation.

I would be covering all bases here or it will spiral out of control. Good luck OP.

stef240377

Sympathise with you OP, i have been through a very similar series of events with my now 16yo son.

His issues started 3 years ago with self harming to which he were referred to CAMHS. Whilst he were having the counselling we were advised his behaviour was a result of our parenting :huh: Apparently we were too strict and along with family support workers set about writing up a family agreement that was to be displayed where everyone was to see it. Reluctantly we agreed and from parents point of view it was stuck to however, DS went down same route as your son. Failing to return home, telling us he was at xx house when inactual fact he was camping out and got set on by a group of youths and ended up in hospital for intoxication and his injuries, all the time being looked down on as though we were failing parents.Switching phone off claiming battery was dead. Smashing phone up to make out he had been mugged etc. Broached all of this with CAMHS who said at his age punishments like removing games consoles, phones etc are no good cos they will find a way round it. He then started running away from home for days on end with police out looking for him and it seemed the more attention he got for the wrong behaviour the more trouble he would get in, so we withdrew and let him get on with it. Still working along with CAMHS, Youth offending teams and local ASBO team they could see in the long run it wasnt a parenting issue more of a wilfull child.

Now at 16 he has left home, family support workers cant enforce his return and the advice of social services is to wait till he has burnt all his bridges and he will come back with his tail between his legs eventually. In the meantime i am sat worrying to death about where he is, what he is upto and where he is staying. With only tiny insights from facebook about how he is as he refuses to talk to me. He has even had the audacity to tell whomever will listen i kicked him out just to scrape for more attention and a few nights on a sofa somewhere.

Only advice i can think of giving is meet on mutual grounds away from the house so you dont feel inclined to let a chat blow in to a full argument, to ask why he feels it necessary to lie to you when you could come to some arrangements like allowing him to be with his friends but not agreeing to him being out all night and that if getting home is a problem you would be prepared to fetch him back all the while making him aware that his actions have a knock on effect on everyone in the household. I was also advised that if my DS was set a time to come home and he wasnt back by then to lock up and go to bed especially if you have attempted contact and phone is switched off - this seems to make it look more premeditated in hindsight. Your son seems wise enough to find somewhere to sleep where as you will only see things in a negative light by losing out on yours.

Northern_Princess

I would have every luxury he has off him ie PS3, phone, tv, laptop, he would have no internet access. I would also ground him until further notice from you or OH. His grounded time would be filled with studying or jobs I would find for him. He would be sat down and told what is acceptable and not acceptable, I would also be reminding him what the word respect means.

poet123

The OP is probably having an afternoon nap to make up for her disturbed night.

lamplady

I'm a foster carer and deal with this sort of thing a lot. While I would sanction - maybe swapping the blackberry for a basic payg and banning sleepovers for a while, I think the most important this is to reconnect rather than disconnect. Making a teen's life miserable just makes the undesirables seem more desirable. With my teen boys I go wild camping, play them On their xbOx, cook with them and above all look for ways to make them feel better about themselves, trying to mOtivate them so they have reasons to behave rather than go wild. It can be worth getting in touch with your local youth offending service as they often have prevention programmes, parental support and really good activity programmes for teens on the cusp of badness

pinkshoes

I'd ask HIM what he thinks is a suitable punishment and why, then agree to something between you.

Fire_Fox

Cut all contact with these boys, no Blackberry, no social networking sites and ground him. You should know exactly where he is at all times until he is 16 and no access to drugs or alcohol, so that means checking up on him for a couple more years.

Maybe he needs exciting hobbies that peak his adrenaline and release serotonin, something intensely physical that he has to work at to be good at? IME youngsters that are into sports or fitness or outdoor pursuits are often more aware of taking care of their health, early nights, no drugs, decent food etc. Also leaders of physical activity can become positive role models for teenagers. If he does get keen on a physical hobby don't be tempted to use that as punishment or weapon if he gets into trouble in future, let that be a constant in his life.