Jealous of wealthy ex?

NAR

Dotty1 be thankful for everything you have, husband, two children, home, job, and health to enjoy all of the above.
Being jealous of others is wrong, just plain wrong.

Dotty1

NAR wrote: »

Dotty1 be thankful for everything you have, husband, two children, home, job, and health to enjoy all of the above.
Being jealous of others is wrong, just plain wrong.

I know, that's why I can't believe how I'm feeling. It's wrong from every perspective and it's certainly zapping all my energy. I don't think it's the money per se (I have friends and family with more money than me all over the place!), I think I feel threatened that his money can 'take away; or affect the things I love the most, or perhaps because we're 'struggling' it makes it even more prominent.

FBaby

You're probably overwhelmed with your debts and that is making your envious of those who don't have to go through that stress. Hearing it from your daugther probably make it seem even closer to home.

It's all about how you look at it, the fact that you have everything else, that his being rich means he is able to contribute nicely to maintenance when others get nothing.

In the end, the only thing you could potentially feel envious of is people happier than you. Are you sure your ex is? Money doesn't make people happier, those who appreciate what they have are.

FBaby

Are you subconsciously worried that your children might feel closer to him because of what he can buy them?

sedment

But one day, when you have cleared your money issues, he will still be the person that he is with no contact with his children, them being sick of being bought. Might take a while but they will soon twig. Your daughter will remember who has held her hand while she has been poorly, who has made crispy cakes with her, been to school plays and yes, said no to her!!
It is tough,but you sound that you are doing the best that you can, and try not to have a go about him, at least when she can hear!! x x

Dotty1

FBaby wrote: »

Are you subconsciously worried that your children might feel closer to him because of what he can buy them?

I don't think it's the closeness. There isn't really a closeness at all. But there is definitely a big 'wow' factor. Houses are WOW, car is WOW, things they buy are all branded (I mean proper branded). I can imagine us saying "don't spend too much on a wedding because that's not the important bit" and him saying "have the biggest wedding on earth".

Dotty1

sedment wrote: »

But one day, when you have cleared your money issues, he will still be the person that he is with no contact with his children, them being sick of being bought. Might take a while but they will soon twig. Your daughter will remember who has held her hand while she has been poorly, who has made crispy cakes with her, been to school plays and yes, said no to her!!
It is tough,but you sound that you are doing the best that you can, and try not to have a go about him, at least when she can hear!! x x

That's so true, and to be honest my hubbie has done all the dentist runs and held her hand in hospital when she was ill a few years ago. I don't really have a go about my ex, he's not doing anythnig 'wrong' (financially), but I want her to know that's not the only way to live. But at the same time I'm envious - doesn't make sense!

FBaby

I think it is a reflection of your insecurities. Ironically, I am in the other shoe! My partner and I are the ones with the money, who can offer nice things to my kids whilst with their dad, they get to be around young people and a baby brother. My partner and I tried for a baby, my kids kept asking me to give them a brother or sister, but it wasn't to be. When my ex and partner, who were both on benefits (not contributing a penny towards their respective children) fell pregnant, I was green with envy and a feeling of unfairness, but the worse feeling was the jealousy that they were giving my kids what they wanted rather than me. All told me not to worry, that they would quickly get over the excitment of a new baby brother, but that was just trying to make me feel better. In the end, my fears did come true to some extent, they are very close to their baby brother, talk about him all the time and look forward to going there to see him. However, I got used to it, accepted it, and focussed on what we have that they don't. They struggle financially, we enjoy a nice decent life.

As for the children, well after two years, I can say that they are not caught in the middle. They are happy to go to their dad, spend time with their step-siblings and brother although they rarely do anything fun because they can't afford it, just as they are happy to go away on nice holidays with us and forget about their step/half siblings then. Kids don't really love or even like a parent better because of what they give them. They just make the best of what they have both sides.

Your kids probably do the same, appreciate what they have with you, whilst also enjoying what their dad can provide them. Kids are not only interested in what they can get materialistically.

Dotty1

FBaby wrote: »

I think it is a reflection of your insecurities. Ironically, I am in the other shoe! My partner and I are the ones with the money, who can offer nice things to my kids whilst with their dad, they get to be around young people and a baby brother. My partner and I tried for a baby, my kids kept asking me to give them a brother or sister, but it wasn't to be. When my ex and partner, who were both on benefits (not contributing a penny towards their respective children) fell pregnant, I was green with envy and a feeling of unfairness, but the worse feeling was the jealousy that they were giving my kids what they wanted rather than me. All told me not to worry, that they would quickly get over the excitment of a new baby brother, but that was just trying to make me feel better. In the end, my fears did come true to some extent, they are very close to their baby brother, talk about him all the time and look forward to going there to see him. However, I got used to it, accepted it, and focussed on what we have that they don't. They struggle financially, we enjoy a nice decent life.

As for the children, well after two years, I can say that they are not caught in the middle. They are happy to go to their dad, spend time with their step-siblings and brother although they rarely do anything fun because they can't afford it, just as they are happy to go away on nice holidays with us and forget about their step/half siblings then. Kids don't really love or even like a parent better because of what they give them. They just make the best of what they have both sides.

Your kids probably do the same, appreciate what they have with you, whilst also enjoying what their dad can provide them. Kids are not only interested in what they can get materialistically.

Thanks so much for your honesty. My ex has 4 more children with his wife too!

It feels like a Catherine Cookson movie sometimes my life does. There I am, trying to get stains out of white shirts to avoid buying new ones, whist laughing with the people I love. And there is he, buying shirts that are hundreds of pounds but struggling with the people around him (I know his family well and I'm well rid!!).

I look at some of the other threads on here about divorce, maintenance, splitting time etc and we are getting to the end of that being an issue, but all that worry and time passes so quickly, in a few years she'll be gone. I guess this is just wasting time in the same way but on a different issue.

Wooh I need a big hankie!! xx

FATBALLZ

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Have you had the child support reassessed?

Dear me, the OP expresses problems dealing with jealousy and your first bit of advice is to try and get her to leach a bit extra out of the object of her jealousy - under the guise of child support, making it even worse. Missing the big picture somewhat I fear.