Lending Money to MIL

Nan63

MrsRogers wrote: »

I respect and thank people for their thoughts...

I guess I get frustrated that DH and I work so hard.. sometimes 50 - 60 hour weeks. Have cut our lifestyle's down to the bare minimum and budget everything. We have gone with out holidays and all lifes luxurys for the last few yrs to try and build up our savings which are there in the event we are made redundent (both been at risk last 2 yrs but thankfully been ok).

MIL has 2 businesses as well as other properties.. MIL does next to none of the 'work' and basically lives the high life.. out to dinner, hosting cocktail evenings, dinner parties, has weekends away etc...

I just feel its a bit unfair to be lending/ giving her money for her to continue her 'lifestyle' when we have gone without to try and be sensible and plan for our future.

I am confident if she cut back her excessive luxurys they wouldnt have a cashflow problem !!!

I may be reading this incorrectly so forgive me but surely without the gift from your in-laws in the first place for the second property you may not be in the above position? Sounds to me like they gave you and your husband a huge leg up. Surely, returning the favour is not that awful is it?

What are your husband's thoughts on the matter?

Fire_Fox

MrsRogers wrote: »

I respect and thank people for their thoughts...

I guess I get frustrated that DH and I work so hard.. sometimes 50 - 60 hour weeks. Have cut our lifestyle's down to the bare minimum and budget everything. We have gone with out holidays and all lifes luxurys for the last few yrs to try and build up our savings which are there in the event we are made redundent (both been at risk last 2 yrs but thankfully been ok).

MIL has 2 businesses as well as other properties.. MIL does next to none of the 'work' and basically lives the high life.. out to dinner, hosting cocktail evenings, dinner parties, has weekends away etc...

I just feel its a bit unfair to be lending/ giving her money for her to continue her 'lifestyle' when we have gone without to try and be sensible and plan for our future.

I am confident if she cut back her excessive luxurys they wouldnt have a cashflow problem !!!

Why are you making value judgements about she spends the money, does she make value judgements about what you do with yours? Did they critique your wedding and honeymoon having generously given you the second home?

You sound like a reverse snob or plain jealous. If you get made redundant you will have redundancy package, your savings AND you can sell the second home, you are hardly at risk of the breadline. Money clearly doesn't make you happy, maybe being generous to your loved ones and enjoying seeing them have fun in middle age would?

You DO have life's luxuries if you have a private education on your CV, free second home, an extra income from the rent, savings, a car, decent pension plans. If you don't like mother in law's spending habits give them the money back they gifted you fifteen years ago, you will still be in profit by keeping the increase in equity AND all the rent you have received over the last fifteen years. You have many working years ahead of you to save up, pay off your mortgage, pay into a pension plan and still retire early and in style. You will likely inherit from your in laws to boot.

MrsRogers

Thank you all - The gift (money) to DH actually came from his father's family wealth... was gifted to DH as a gift from his parents. At that point in his life his parents were together.

DH parents are no longer together. They are amicable and see each other on a regualr basis... MIL done very well out of seperation hence current business & property.

DH Father does still have money.. MIL to my knowledge has not asked FIL for any money.

DH isnt 100% about giving MIL money as feels she may think he is a bottemless pit... Giving property/funds back would mean it would go back to FIL.

This was all given to DH before I came along.

MrsRogers

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Why are you making value judgements about she spends the money, does she make value judgements about what you do with yours? Did they critique your wedding and honeymoon having generously given you the second home?

You sound like a reverse snob or plain jealous. If you get made redundant you will have redundancy package, your savings AND you can sell the second home, you are hardly at risk of the breadline. Money clearly doesn't make you happy, maybe being generous to your loved ones and enjoying seeing them have fun in middle age would?

You DO have life's luxuries if you have a private education on your CV, free second home, an extra income from the rent, savings, a car, decent pension plans. If you don't like mother in law's spending habits give them the money back they gifted you fifteen years ago, you will still be in profit by keeping the increase in equity AND all the rent you have received over the last fifteen years. You have many working years ahead of you to save up, pay off your mortgage, pay into a pension plan and still retire early and in style. You will likely inherit from your in laws to boot.

I did not have a private education. I was brought up by hard working parents that were and still are very careful with money.

I am not jealous of MIL lifestyle .. as many pointed out we could not save each month ... we could just blow it on lavish holidays and dinner parties each weekend. But we choose not to. We choose to save for our future so we can have a stable upbringing for our future family.

My biggest concern is throwing good money after bad which would unlikely end here. I dont begrudge MIL fun I think it could just be cut back a little!

pinkshoes

Well, I'm going against the majority, and think you should just be honest, tell her you have savings, but you want a child next year, and as you can't conceive naturally, you need to pay for IVF, so can't afford to lend her the money.

She'll understand. (If she doesn't, she's not human!)

On another note - CHILL OUT. Life is also for living!

londonsurrey

I think the most productive thing is to have it made clear exactly how much DH is/feels obligated to his mother for, because I know I'd personally find it very difficult to budget otherwise.

So, if he's happy to give her £1,000 or £500,000, then if he's upfront about it, it enables you to live your lives accordingly.

I wouldn't be happy about being given a house, expected to be grateful for it and be simultaneously expected to give it back AFTER spending that money. If only 10% of the rent money is mine, then it's helpful to know it before I've spent more than that.

burnoutbabe

I'd say no as well to a loan. Why does she need one when she has such a nice lifestyle anyway.

If she was asking for repayment of the gift made 15 years ago, that would be different (though annoying) but how would she repay this loan without making changes? She needs to cut her cloth according to her now budget post divorce. if she was homeless of course you'd offer your 2nd home to her, but she employs staff! assuming these are people who are not 80 and with the family forever or her carers, then they can find other jobs, why should you pay for them?
I'd give some money if clear lifestyle changes were made, no need to pay back. but else its just pointless and will be leading to another loan quickly.

FATBALLZ

As mentioned by others the private education is an irrelevance, all parents owe their children the best upbringing they can provide, and the children owe nothing in return.

However money that has been gifted while he was an adult, I'd suggest he does owe something in return for that. I wouldn't lend her anything, but give her whatever money you can reasonably afford up unto the value of the 'gift' that you were given, but no more after that (because it sounds like she'll only waste it).

burnoutbabe

but less the 3k already lent and of course the 50% that you could say was lent by dad?

meritaten

MrsRogers - I understand that your OH feels obligated to help MIL - but..............she hasnt repaid the money she previously 'borrowed'. she lives the 'high life' and prefers to pay staff rather than 'do for herself'. and is not good with money.

May I suggest that you and OH become legal 'Partners' in the business? that way perhaps you could trim excess staff and put your MIL on a 'salary'. call her executive manager - but the three of you have equal say in 'decisions'?
otherwise its a case of only lending what you can afford to lose. at least the way I suggest there is a chance you will get your money back.