2 children 2 different personalities...desperately trying to treat equally

Charityworker

I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 15 who are nothing like each other at all. The older one likes to dress on the goth/emo side (she must have got that from me) and likes anything thats against the grain, keeps 'unusual' pets in her room and is training to be a zoo keeper so loves spending all day shovelling poop. The younger one loves anything girly, flowery and pink, likes to fit in with the crowd and wants to work in the media industry when she leaves school. It becomes hard when we go away on holiday or out for the day because the older one is extremely happy if were looking round a zoo or anything to do with that and the younger one loves trawling around shops. What is ones hobby the other hates. I often find myself in the middle getting the 'deciding vote' on things. Whichever one I go along with I get the other one saying 'well as long as shes happy' in sarcastic voice. Having said that they are the best of friends and tell each other stuff that sisters tell each other.

meritaten

Reading this put my in mind of my daughters kids. They are both on the Autistic Spectrum and the older 'boy' sounds like your 'harder' kid. He is stubborn, sees matters in black and white, will question anything and everything, is slow to apologise even if he knows he is wrong! he is outspoken and politically incorrect to the point of embarrassment (for his parents - he doesnt give two hoots). yet he is also a delight to be with, has a wicked sense of humour and is willing to stick at things until he master them.
the younger 'girl' is a 'people pleaser' to excess - you know the one 'teachers pet'! she wants everyone to love her and simply cannot tell that she is annoying them! she dissolves into tears if you speak sharply to her or give her a 'look'. she gets into far less trouble than her brother because even when she gets it wrong she has tried so hard to please that you cannot be annoyed with her.
I worry most about her - she simply cannot go through life like this - she is going to end up being hurt time and time again I fear. my grandson however has a much 'thicker skin' and I think he will make his own mark on life.
My DD has had to learn to treat them differently! like you Bailey she thought fairness meant treating them equally and then found it just made them both unhappy - yes there is the occasional moan from the kids - but on the whole it works better to treat the kids as individuals with different rules (the age difference helps a bit there).
You sound a lovely mum - so I am sure you would never go too far wrong anyway!

Spendless

Deleted_User wrote: »

They want to be the adult figure

I have 2 children, just as you describe. One of the best things I ever feel I did with the 'difficult' child was to send them to Beavers/Cubs/Scouts as it was the Scouting organisation that took the personality traits that have been mentioned on this thread, by yourself and others posting similar stories and turned them into leadership.

[Deleted User]

Spendless wrote: »

I have 2 children, just as you describe. One of the best things I ever feel I did with the 'difficult' child was to send them to Beavers/Cubs/Scouts as it was the Scouting organisation that took the personality traits that have been mentioned on this thread, by yourself and others posting similar stories and turned them into leadership.

Great idea, thanks. However we are on the waiting list for Beavers, unfortunately at my last enquiry there were 7 others in front. They really want to join as lots of children in the year above and same year belong and are great friends with them. I'm hoping after halloween, some will have moved onto cubs and we will be nearer the top.

jetplane

Deleted_User wrote: »

I am having some 1:1 time with the "harder" child tomorrow which I am looking forward to. They are delightful in many ways, rarely tantrums and accepts "No". So I say harder only in taking on board correction and learning from it and having bossy traits, is a leader that needs reminding to let others lead the way too/share the role of leading. They want to be the adult figure and will say their version of a made up fact is fact and argue the toss over silly things. However they don't question time out or "go to your room", so have respect for adult authority too.

Now I find this interesting, although I was the easier child, this is me, yep I am the bossy one, I am a leader and I always argue the toss, yet always respected my parents and authority. As an adult I am the one that the family turn to in crisis.

The easier child rarely has tantrums too (possibly they have both outgrown them) or realises they dont work, constantly wants to please and tries to remember things that they know adults approve of. I do notice they will tale tell when other children dont live up to their expectation (of which are high! probably due to me) and gets easily offended when other children don't say sorry, as they say it readily and easily. In fact most of the things that come to my attention from the easy child are others who "aren't listening to me or haven't said sorry".

My sibling was the harder child and was a proper 'tell tale tit', as an adult they have high expectations of others, are critical and easily offended. Although they are also a leader in their field.

Although I recognise myself in your harder child and my sibling in your easier child we no doubt cross over at various points, I was merely illustrating that no set of characteristics makes a child easier or harder and I think it is more about the parents' expectations. I think you have two well behaved children, they are loved and have boundaries and respect. In my mind these values that are instilled in us when we are young serve us through adulthood.

Enjoy their differences, encourage their individuality and be thankful that you haven't got two little clones, how boring would that be.

Deleted_User wrote: »

Both my children bring me joy in different ways and as other people have expressed, I have realised that I do love them equally, but its not possible to treat them equally. I think they may wonder if I don't treat them the same, then I love one more than the other.
D

Oh you probably wont win on this one I always thought my mother loved my sibling more and they always thought she loved me more :rotfl: whatever differences we had as children we remain close in adulthood, we knew we were loved despite our worst efforts, pushing our parents boundaries and exhausting their patience.

jackyann

Lots of good advice here. I'll just add something:

Create family discussions about rules, so that it becomes clear why one is being praised for stuff that appears to some easily to the other (it may not be as easy, they may just invest more in being compliant!)

Have chats like "what is the hardest house / family rule to follow?" - parents can join in this as well (without getting too detailed!) - helps kids to see that we all have to follow rules. "what is the easiest?" helps to show different traits.
Get extended family involved "what is the naughtiest thing you ever did - what was your punishment?" etc.etc. Also helps them to see why there are rules. Useful social history as well: why certain rules have changed over time.

tyllwyd

I've just read Battle Hymn of the Tiger mother and she had a similar obedient child / strongwilled child issue in her family. Mind you, that book is probably more of a textbook on how NOT to handle it.

mustmakealist

Treating your children equally does not necessarily mean treating them the same anymore than loving them will take the same form.

You have a boy and a girl and they will react very differently in the same surroundings. I know that I run the risk of generalising here, but girls are often more likely to be more able to settle down and amuse themselves where as boys are more likely to enjoy themselves charging around and running off their excess energy. This doesn't necessarily make one behaviour more difficult. Perhaps you need to allow both of them time to express themselves. I know that this isn't always easy. I was never as fond of playing with cars and trains as with sitting down to play a game or story but I tried hard to do both.
It is sometimes easy to not notice that your quiet one doesn't join in more boisterous and exhuberant activities and isn't perceived as spoiling the 'louder' childs fun because they have to play on their own and attempts to make their sibling join in may be seen as annoying. This is the flip side of the more 'difficult' child being seen as the spoilsport when you are trying to do a quiet activity and they aren't keen. In both cases the more 'difficult' child can come across as the problem

They are only 4 and 5. This is very young for them to be labelled 'good' or 'bad'. I'm sure that you'll find a way of allowing them both to express themselves.

Savvy_Sue

Haven't read properly, but one thing I used to make clear to my 3 was that they couldn't use misbehaviour of one of the others as an excuse to misbehave themselves. This was particularly if we left them with a babysitter, or when they were older for brief periods on their own. The eldest was absolutely NOT to try to make his brothers go to bed at the right time, for example, or blood would have flowed ... If HE went to bed at the right time, that was all he was responsible for, and I would be cross with the younger one if he didn't do what he was supposed to.

Probably not explaining that very well, but as a strategy it worked well for us ... still does, in fact, I have told DS2 that I have noticed that he is washing up a lot more than DS3, and I will Have Words with DS3 very soon ... which is better than DS2 and DS3 coming to blows over DS3's failure to wash up.

[Deleted User]

Just to update 10 months down the line and i've noticed a subtle shift, but its hard to describe.

The harder child has become easier, maybe maturing a little and the easier child a little more cheeky/assertive since starting school. They have blended more together and have more in common as the younger can relate to the school situations the older one discusses.

I enjoy them both and am so lucky that its 85% enjoyable time with them. Wouldn't like it to be 100%, that would cause me anxiety and a thread called "My kids aren't normal".