2 children 2 different personalities...desperately trying to treat equally

[Deleted User]

I have two gorgeous lovely children who are 5 (boy) and 4(girl).

I have noticed over the last year or so that one child is much easier than the other in personality. I have done nothing different and treated both of them equally and shown them both what expectations I have of behaviour and manners etc.

I do want to say, they are generally well behaved and are in no way brat kids, they do know boundaries and consequences etc.

However, I have started to realise, one child is naturally easier to be with than the other, is more likely to abide by the rules rather than test them, is "no problem" to look after and "we dont know we have them" type of response. These are comments are from family/friends and I've found myself having similar thoughts.

Now I love my kids, don't wish to show favouritism, i constantly tell them how much i love them, stroke their hair, gentle touches as I walk by and generally show affection and respect to them, whilst being a mum with boundaries.

Tonight we sit down and play a game before bed. One child is playing by the rules and wouldn't dream of cheating/lying etc to win, the other child did. First time they were made to skip a turn, the second time of cheating/lying followed very quickly and they had to sit out till the end of the game.

In fact it did spoil it, they knew what they were doing. I tried to reinforce its the playing not the winning or losing, no one likes a liar or cheat. I reminded that school friends won't like that behaviour etc.

Shortly after, at bedtime I got an impromptu apology to the sibling, but I think it was more about my disapproval than anything else. The apology albeit was lovely to have, felt like (I was sad I was caught and I would do it again). I think you may have had to be there to realise.

Regardless I love spending time with them equally and have come to recognise that one child seeks approval and laps it up, the other couldn't care less. I don't want to drive a wedge between them by constantly using the easier one as an example so I am very careful of that.

How can I make the child who isn't so easy feel like I am not favour the other or criticising their behaviour, which comes naturally to the other.

I already praise, reinforce good behaviour, set boundaries/consequences and dont take any nonsense. I show love, respect, affection and at times be silly and muck about. I also remind myself I am their mummy not their friend so I am not afraid to upset them or be firm.

I am feeling low tonight due to other emotional family upsets, so I guess this is more upsetting to me than it normally would be.

Do you have a child than is easier than the other, how do you deal with that? I think I can honestly say at present I love them equally and enjoy their company and their interests. This thread isn't about favouring one over the other, its about how do you deal with one child who is naturally complient without trying and one who will test and assert themselves.

Actually as I type, I have realised what it is I am asking. How do I teach my "harder work" child what I expect which comes naturally to the "easier child", without constantly using the "easier child" as the example. As that will drive the wedge and the harder child will feel resentful and less loved than the easier child. Plus subsequently they will feel I am favouring.....the last things I want.

Ahhh, got there in the end...I hope!:rotfl:

miss_hh

This could have been written by myself. I have daughters who are now teens. What works for one doesnt work for the other and they incur different punishments which they both think is unfair.

Janepig

My two are like chalk and cheese, and whilst treating them both fairly, I can't treat them equally because they are so different. So I treat them according to how they are and what works with them.

Same thing with Christmas and birthdays. Some years one will have more than the other, another year vice versa. Siblings will always complain that their parents are treating them unfairly. Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong .

Jx

Alikay

The fact that you're aware of potential problems and trying to work out strategies to deal with it means you'll probably succeed! I think it's something many parents of 2 or more children face at some time during their kids' childhood and adolescence....I know we did!

At some point in the future you can be sure the tables will turn and the "easy" one will become the nightmare for a while! It's great that you see them as individuals and are doing your best to treat them fairly rather than identically:)

Hermia

I think you just have to try and see the good in them both and work with their personalities. If you need to tell the difficult child off I suppose you could emphasise the fact it's the behaviour you don't like not the personality.

I have a friend who has two grown-up children and one was an incredibly easy child and one was very difficult and she did find it hard to like the difficult child sometimes. The difficult child is now a very successful adult. He has studied and worked in many countries and now has a highly paid job and lovely wife in Japan. He has also got involved in volunteering and social causes. The personality traits that made him a nightmare as a child (risk-taking, testing boundaries, questioning everything) have made him a success as an adult. The easy child is now in a dead-end job and dead-end relationship. He still lives in the awful town he was born in and he never questions the rules even when they are unfair/wrong. He is too placid basically. My friend says she spent years trying to encourage the difficult child to be more like the easy one and now she wishes she had encouraged the easy one to be more like the difficult one!

meritaten

my kids are grown up and I have grandkids (6 of them). with the best will in the world you cannot treat them all equally. You can LOVE them equally - but, one may need more attention than the other at different times.
for example - my youngest son had life threatening asthma - he HAD to have more attention than the others - I did try to make up for that by having special 1 2 1 times with the other two - my oldest understood, the middle one still struggles with the fact he felt ignored.
none of us are perfect parents (but there are no perfect kids either),and sometimes we get it right and others we don't. I think if you give each child what they need then you are doing very well!

peachyprice

I don't think you can teach the harder one to behave the same as the easier one. You also can't parent them the same because they will not respond in the same way and what works for one will not work for the other. It's difficult because they are so close in age so are at the same stage in life, it's far easier to parent different personalities with a larger age gap.

You have to appreciate the different positive attributes individually and discipline the negative individually too without comparing them. If you try to make the spirited one behave more like his/her sibling when it's just not in their nature you will breed resentment between the two.

I have twins who are polar opposites, in every way imaginable. One was the easiest lovliest child imaginable, the other a complete nightmare. However, as they've grown they've changed. Now in their teenage years my little horror is an absolute dream, he's such a fun-loving, full of life character, his brother, while not bad by a longshot, has found adolesence much more difficult.

I love them both to bits, but just as I had to parent them differently throughout their younger years, I still have to now.

Fire_Fox

You say schoolfriends so I am guessing the older child is the naughtier one. Couldn't care less is often a cover for 'not going to let you know how much I care'. Why would you think to use the younger child as an example? Isn't the example set by the adults behaviour and clearly stated house rules? Presumably you have the same expectations of child one regardless of how child two behaves? Are the consequences of rule breaks clearly defined or are you making them up on the hop (you seem to have with the game)? Are both children getting regular defined one-on-one time with each parent? Maybe the naughty child is getting more personal attention from naughty behaviour than personal attention from good behaviour?

[Deleted User]

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Are both children getting regular defined one-on-one time with each parent? Maybe the naughty child is getting more personal attention from naughty behaviour than personal attention from good behaviour?

I have taken a few mins to consider your post before replying as its thought provoking thank you.

The children have been together, practically living in each other's pockets since the summer hols began, I actually think they have coped with this quite well.

I think your right in as much as the the harder work child does get more attention for "forgetting" to do expected tasks/behaviours that the easier one does without reminding. I shall take that on board. Sometimes its hard to see the obvious when you are in the thick of it.

Examples of this are:-
Easier child uses cutlery properly without reminding, closes mouth to chew, takes plate to kitchen, remembers to thank for meal etc. Harder child needs prompts/reminders and encouragement to do these things, so getting attention.......

Easier child really dislikes being told off or corrected, immediately apologises and can get upset if they think they have done wrong. Harder child takes any correction on the chin and just carries on, says sorry but probably 5 mins later is back to not listening etc.

Please don't get me wrong, Harder child has lots of lovely attributes and is pleasant to be around, its just harder in other ways.

I will go to bed now, but going to give this considerable thought. I also like the comments about not trying to change the harder child to be like the easier one. Very valid and important I think.

pawsies

Have you thought about channelling the harder ones behaviour into something productive e.g. debating or persuasion?

If he/she finds that it is acceptable to challenge others in certain situations then it might be an outlet?
At 4/5 I would keep it low key but relevant to their interests.

sooty&sweep

Hi

I think you have to be careful not to try and compare the two children but look for the strengths in each of their personalities.
My son is by far the easier child of my two in terms of behaviour but he is also the more timid child and is far more easy going to the extent that he is horizontal.
My daughter is the harder child to deal with and is constantly pushing boundaries to see how much she can get away with but she is far more determined and driven in her personality and won't give in which will stand her in good stead when she's older.

Jen