2 children 2 different personalities...desperately trying to treat equally

jetplane

OP I know you love your children equally but did you notice that all of your comparisons are in the negative for the more difficult child? Not once do you compare the easier child in a negative way with the other. That child will know this.

I was the quieter, no bother, compliant child. My sibling was the other. Even when we were adults our mother always asked me to do everything as it was easier than asking my sibling. Family members would have me no bother, but my sibling would give them a headache and so it went on.

As the easier child I resented my sibling as we always had to compromise to placate them and they would spoil our fun. On the other hand my sibling said they could never live up to my perfect image, they grew up in my shadow of how a child should be. I asked my mother about this when I was older and she just said she always loved and treat us equally but I was easy and my sibling was hard work.

We are still the same, we are both successful in what we do and although we have much in common we are different both in our emotional and financial attitudes but we remain close.

I agree that children are different and therefore as parents we do treat them differently, although this does not mean that we love or favour one more than another.

Erinnire

I have the same with my children. One is so much easier than the other and its difficult to be cross with her even when she is naughty as she is such a cheeky monkey. My other child is a constant whinging and whineing pain in the !!!! most of the time.

I love them both but I have to treat them very differently as they are polar opposites of eachother. I believe I treat them fairly. Same amount of love and affection, treats, oppurtunities and attention etc..

marisco_2

My children are very much as you describe yours. Completely different personalities. The eldest has always been very laid back and easy going. He is a happy, confidant little fella. Likes to get on and do his own things as well as muck in with family stuff. He plays nicely with other kids, likes to share and look out for others and pretty much does as he is asked. When he does need correcting he listens and takes it in and we move on. The only thing he has ever done majorly wrong was lulling us into a false sense of security that all our kids would be so lovely. So we naively decided how nice it would be to have another :cool:

My youngest is the complete opposite. Really needs watching and careful handling. He can throw the mother of all strops as soon as he doesn't get his own way. Everything is always a big drama and catastrophe and some days it is like he wanders round under his own little rain cloud. I have never known a child sob as if he is dying, over such trivial things. In short he is bloody hard work. I would go as far as to say that had I had the youngest one first he would definately be an only child. I would not have wished to cope day in and day out with two who are so highly strung. I do love him to bits but most days he has me on my knees.

I gives them both lots of affection, and praise them regularly. I show lots of positive examples of good behaviour and always talk to them calmly and respectfully. As ultimately this is how I want them to be. I dont rise to it all when the youngest is trying to push every button known to man. When he starts behaving reasonably and talking to me calmly after a meltdown then he gets my attention. One of these days it will click in with him that I am a reasonable mum who just has rules and boundaries. He does see that his brother doesn't miss out on daily treats or puddings etc because he has behaved as is expected. He will hopefully realise that to avoid consequences to his behaviour he needs to learn to tow the line.

I am investing everything I can into their education. My friends and family think it is because I am being responsible and looking out for their futures. Truth be known it is so hopefully at 18 they will both leave home and go to university for a few years and give me a much needed break

poet123

marisco wrote: »

My children are very much as you describe yours. Completely different personalities. The eldest has always been very laid back and easy going. He is a happy, confidant little fella. Likes to get on and do his own things as well as muck in with family stuff. He plays nicely with other kids, likes to share and look out for others and pretty much does as he is asked. When he does need correcting he listens and takes it in and we move on. The only thing he has ever done majorly wrong was lulling us into a false sense of security that all our kids would be so lovely. So we naively decided how nice it would be to have another :cool:

My youngest is the complete opposite. Really needs watching and careful handling. He can throw the mother of all strops as soon as he doesn't get his own way. Everything is always a big drama and catastrophe and some days it is like he wanders round under his own little rain cloud. I have never known a child sob as if he is dying, over such trivial things. In short he is bloody hard work. I would go as far as to say that had I had the youngest one first he would definately be an only child. I would not have wished to cope day in and day out with two who are so highly strung. I do love him to bits but most days he has me on my knees.

I gives them both lots of affection, and praise them regularly. I show lots of positive examples of good behaviour and always talk to them calmly and respectfully. As ultimately this is how I want them to be. I dont rise to it all when the youngest is trying to push every button known to man. When he starts behaving reasonably and talking to me calmly after a meltdown then he gets my attention. One of these days it will click in with him that I am a reasonable mum who just has rules and boundaries. He does see that his brother doesn't miss out on daily treats or puddings etc because he has behaved as is expected. He will hopefully realise that to avoid consequences to his behaviour he needs to learn to tow the line.

I am investing everything I can into their education. My friends and family think it is because I am being responsible and looking out for their futures. Truth be known it is so hopefully at 18 they will both leave home and go to university for a few years and give me a much needed break

All mine came back....:(:rotfl:

pandora205

Interesting discussion.

In my experience (both as a parent and as a psychologist) children are different from birth onwards, no matter how similarly they are treated. We can often see their later personality traits in their early lives. However, it is more difficult to project this forward to adult life and see the positives in what appear to be difficult aspects of a child's personality and behaviour.

Compliance is valued by parents and teachers alike but it doesn't necessarily lead to later success. So, it makes sense to try to reframe and avoid labelling, for example, instead of thinking of a child manipulating others, seeing this as signs of social awareness (seeing who has power, how to succeed at a problem, being a strategic planner, etc.) Although it is difficult to see certain behaviours such as cheating at a game in this light it is possible.

It can be easy to slip into creating the dynamic of good child, bad child w'ithin a family and also to jump to conclusions regarding family patterns (he's just like his Uncle Jim' etc.) which can become self-fulfilling.

marisco_2

poet123 wrote: »

All mine came back....:(:rotfl:

I plan to move to a luxury one bed apartment with intercom. Then they cant come back :D

poet123

marisco wrote: »

I plan to move to a luxury one bed apartment with intercom. Then they cant come back :D

You won't!!!;):D

[Deleted User]

jetplane wrote: »

OP I know you love your children equally but did you notice that all of your comparisons are in the negative for the more difficult child? Not once do you compare the easier child in a negative way with the other. That child will know this.

I hadn't noticed this, thank you for pointing that out. The easier child on occasions remarks about something positive that they have done and the other hasnt. But I am aware of that and try to deflect it, so your comment makes me aware that I am possibly feeding my easier child ammunition to say those things. Thanks again for highlighting that.

I was the quieter, no bother, compliant child. My sibling was the other. Even when we were adults our mother always asked me to do everything as it was easier than asking my sibling. Family members would have me no bother, but my sibling would give them a headache and so it went on.

As the easier child I resented my sibling as we always had to compromise to placate them and they would spoil our fun. On the other hand my sibling said they could never live up to my perfect image, they grew up in my shadow of how a child should be.

And that is exactly what I am trying to avoid as I am well aware that I could create this situation.

Both my children bring me joy in different ways and as other people have expressed, I have realised that I do love them equally, but its not possible to treat them equally. I think they may wonder if I don't treat them the same, then I love one more than the other.

Hmmmm.........

Anyway, i'll carry on reading the other posts, its getting interesting. Thanks all.:D

[Deleted User]

marisco wrote: »

When he does need correcting he listens and takes it in and we move on. Snap that's my easy one.

The only thing he has ever done majorly wrong was lulling us into a false sense of security that all our kids would be so lovely. So we naively decided how nice it would be to have another :cool: I like your style.

My youngest is the complete opposite. Really needs watching and careful handling. He can throw the mother of all strops as soon as he doesn't get his own way. Everything is always a big drama and catastrophe and some days it is like he wanders round under his own little rain cloud. I have never known a child sob as if he is dying, over such trivial things. In short he is bloody hard work. I would go as far as to say that had I had the youngest one first he would definately be an only child. I would not have wished to cope day in and day out with two who are so highly strung. I do love him to bits but most days he has me on my knees.

I gives them both lots of affection, and praise them regularly. I show lots of positive examples of good behaviour and always talk to them calmly and respectfully. As ultimately this is how I want them to be. I dont rise to it all when the youngest is trying to push every button known to man. When he starts behaving reasonably and talking to me calmly after a meltdown then he gets my attention. One of these days it will click in with him that I am a reasonable mum who just has rules and boundaries. He does see that his brother doesn't miss out on daily treats or puddings etc because he has behaved as is expected. He will hopefully realise that to avoid consequences to his behaviour he needs to learn to tow the line.

I am investing everything I can into their education. My friends and family think it is because I am being responsible and looking out for their futures. Truth be known it is so hopefully at 18 they will both leave home and go to university for a few years and give me a much needed break Thank you for sharing, I can relate to what your saying and you sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

I am having some 1:1 time with the "harder" child tomorrow which I am looking forward to. They are delightful in many ways, rarely tantrums and accepts "No". So I say harder only in taking on board correction and learning from it and having bossy traits, is a leader that needs reminding to let others lead the way too/share the role of leading. They want to be the adult figure and will say their version of a made up fact is fact and argue the toss over silly things. However they don't question time out or "go to your room", so have respect for adult authority too.

The easier child rarely has tantrums too (possibly they have both outgrown them) or realises they dont work, constantly wants to please and tries to remember things that they know adults approve of. I do notice they will tale tell when other children dont live up to their expectation (of which are high! probably due to me) and gets easily offended when other children don't say sorry, as they say it readily and easily. In fact most of the things that come to my attention from the easy child are others who "aren't listening to me or haven't said sorry". Easy child has speech problems (pronunctiation, clarity and needs extra time to think of the word), so often gets talked over and passed on in a crowd which causes frustration.

I'm really learning from this thread, thanks so far for all your comments. There are lots of things that hadn't occurred to me, but its obvious having read them.

marisco_2

My best friend is an identical twin. Their looks were where the similarities ended though. Her parents had always been determined not to buy into the 'twin' thing and dressed them differently from the start etc. Even they weren't quite prepared for how different their upbringings would need to be.

When they were in their late teens their dad once remarked that it was like when the egg split their personalities were divided into two. One of them, my friend, was always very spirited, independant and strong willed. As a tot she would tantrum and was a real handful. Many of these traits stood her in good stead as she grew and had the maturity to channel them properly.

Her twin was and still is a calm, pleasant, easy going person. She has a great sense of humour and is a very happy go lucky type. She has done well in life but lacks the drive and ambition that I see in my friend.

My friend said that she remembers often having conflicts with her parents. Missing out on sweets, treats, puddings etc was all part and parcel of her growing up. She didn't resent her sister who seemed to sail through childhood most of the time. She knew right from wrong and accepted that her rebelious nature would bring consequences. She has said that she questioned why her sister was so accepting of their parents boundaries though.

So in the end the girls were raised in ways that suited their own individual selves, to help them become the best adults they could be. It wasn't a matter of there being favouritism or one being treated nicer than the other. Something they both accept as adults. Interestingly my mate has no kids, no doubt living in fear that she would have one like herself. Her sister has 3 kids and is expecting her fourth