2 children 2 different personalities...desperately trying to treat equally

gibson123

Treating fairly is not treating them the same. Sounds like the easier child is more sensitive and the "harder" child is more resilient. I think that as these wee ones grow, you are going to start wishing the "easier" child had the resilience and self esteem of the "harder child", different traits and personalities in children shine at different stages of their development. Just remember to always point out it is the behaviour you do not like and not the child. The best advice I got was that it that you will always love your child/ren but you will not always like him/her or his/her behaviour.

DVardysShadow

The problem, insofar as there is a problem, is you. Forget about equally - they are not the same, so you cannot treat them the same.

Treat each of them individually in the way which brings the best out of them. Treating the more difficult child in the same way as the easier child is going to be counter productive in the long run. And you have to take account of the gender differences more and more as they grow older.

Gavin83

Hermia wrote: »

The personality traits that made him a nightmare as a child (risk-taking, testing boundaries, questioning everything) have made him a success as an adult.

I've never really understood why these are considered negative traits in a child. Same goes for 'answering back'. I think parents believe that their children should take what they say as gospel and never question anything but how is this a good thing? I'd much rather raise a child who has their own personality and isn't afraid to stand up for what they feel is right than one who will just go along with the crowd and will accept what they feel is wrong.

I've seen a lot of parents on here who punish their children for answering back. In all honesty I think in some cases the parents are ruining their children's personalities and it's frankly bad parenting. I'd consider it as bad as those parents who don't do anything and let their children wander the streets at 1 in the morning.

In your friends case I think it's a careful what you wish for scenario and I'm sure if she had her time again she would raise them differently.

fluffnutter

Different children need different approaches. People mistake equality for fairness.

dll74

I too have twins (age 12) the descriptions you gave of your children could have been written about mine too.
My son has just very recently been diagnosed with ADHD (Primarily Inattentive) borderline Oppositional Defient Disorder and Dyspraxia and is very very hard work, a difficult child to raise and is the exact opposite of my daughter.
I too am aware that the "management" of them has to be different and regularly have to deal with my daughter questioning why her brother "gets away" with things she never would. I have tried to explain that the ADHD clinic have encouraged us to look at her brother's behaviour in terms of he can't do something rather than he won't do something but it must be terribly frustrating for her. With the best will in the world I could never treat (not the right word as it implies favouritism/negativity) them equally but I love them both equally and with all my heart.
I will look with interest at the other replies to see if there are any strategies I can adopt too.
I think the very fact you've asked the question means you're a terrific Mum doing a terrific job.

barbiedoll

My brother and I are close in age but that's where the similarities end. As children, we fought endlessly, he was (and still can be) very competitive, he would rather cheat at a game than lose, whereas I could not be less bothered. He would take up a new hobby and pursue it until he was something of an expert, even when he got a dartboard, he played alone for hours, trying to perfect his throw.
He was top of the class at school, he was a county champion cyclist and he passed his driving test first time and started his first business at 18 years old. He was the more "difficult" child, but as an adolescent, he was hardly any trouble, rarely got drunk, only had long-term girlfriends and was always solvent.

I, who was the "easier" child, went completely mad as a teenager, ran away from home, was always drunk, had endless streams of unsuitable boyfriends and although I always worked, I never had any money (some things never change!) Siblings, even twins, are always different people and they do need to be treated differently. What's "fair" punishment for one will simply not work for another. Don't get hung up on their differences now, and don't try to change them, it never works and they will end up resenting you.

And it does get easier, both my brother and I are now perfectly normal, productive members of society, despite our character flaws as youngsters!

tyllwyd

I think there is a danger of falling into a family stereotype - one child is the 'good hardworking one' and one is the 'naughty one', and the danger is they learn to play up to the role they've been assigned (eg Horrid Henry and Perfect Peter). I would try never to compare one to the other or use one as a good example. Treat them both separately - treating them equally doesn't have to mean exactly the same - and if one complains about different treatment, don't let yourself get drawn into it.

Edwardia

I was the difficult naughty child and I'm far more confident than my younger brother and have had a more interesting life. I've really only settled down in the last 15 yrs and don't have kids. We have nothing in common and I've always found him very boring. I'm quite like my father in that he was the bad boy my mother didn't entirely tame. She's still trying to tame me and it doesn't work.

Although I don't have kids, I have been a nanny. I'd be bothered about a child that was really good all the time and got upset if criticised. More bothered than by the other one. My brother and I cheated at Monopoly all the time but that didn't turn us into lying criminals.

Kids need clear boundaries and to know there will be consequences yes. The kind of no because I said so attitude some parents still have is rubbish and an intelligent kid will realise that and do own thing. Intelligent kids are formulating their own rights and wrongs by experimenting and they're not necessarily doing it for more attention - I didn't.

Don't mean to upset you but telling a 5 yr old his friends won't like him if he cheats is pretty meaningless because when they get into scraps I'm sure they aren't telling each other to fight by Marquess of Queensbury rules.

If you're lucky the older one will grow up to be a rugged daredevil adventurer and the younger one, a chef

Fire_Fox

Deleted_User wrote: »

I have taken a few mins to consider your post before replying as its thought provoking thank you.

The children have been together, practically living in each other's pockets since the summer hols began, I actually think they have coped with this quite well.

I think your right in as much as the the harder work child does get more attention for "forgetting" to do expected tasks/behaviours that the easier one does without reminding. I shall take that on board. Sometimes its hard to see the obvious when you are in the thick of it.

Examples of this are:-
Easier child uses cutlery properly without reminding, closes mouth to chew, takes plate to kitchen, remembers to thank for meal etc. Harder child needs prompts/reminders and encouragement to do these things, so getting attention.......

Easier child really dislikes being told off or corrected, immediately apologises and can get upset if they think they have done wrong. Harder child takes any correction on the chin and just carries on, says sorry but probably 5 mins later is back to not listening etc.

Please don't get me wrong, Harder child has lots of lovely attributes and is pleasant to be around, its just harder in other ways.

I will go to bed now, but going to give this considerable thought. I also like the comments about not trying to change the harder child to be like the easier one. Very valid and important I think.

I am saying some the following from watching TV so take it with a pinch of salt if you wish .... Maybe change how you respond to unwanted behaviours a la Supernanny? The time out system gives one clear warning, then the bad behaviour is 'rewarded' by isolation not lengthy explanations, in fact there is little communication or eye contact until the end of the time out.

Lying/ cheating is lying/ cheating and unacceptable in your household, in school, in the workplace and in adult relationships. In one sense there is no difference if it occurs in the context of a game or in a more serious context. So the punishment should be the same, time out or removal of privileges or whatever you decide with your husband. Maybe do the explanations at a different time, perhaps cuddling on the sofa, so you are teaching a moral code and the importance of trust but not rewarding bad behaviour with attention?

Perhaps pick your battles initially, if there are too many rules it can be overwhelming. Maybe it matters most to take the plate to the kitchen and say thank you, because those are part of the global rules - politeness/ courtesy and contributing to the household chores/ being tidy? At five some children are less coordinated than others and some are eating the wrong way around (left/ right handed). Only you know if this or deliberate defiance/ attention seeking is applicable here.

poet123

Of my four the eldest and the youngest have been the easiest.

I think sometimes you can think too deeply about things. You have to parent according to gut feel for what is needed by whom, why and when. You cannot treat them equally, you can love them equally, but that love can be shown through discipline and boundaries as much as through praise and treats.