need an opinion on child access..V long

findingmyownway

Spendless wrote: »

But you can no more tell a new mum what it is like to have a toddler, and be worn out and really be grateful for an overnight break, than you can explain to me how to deal with teenagers when my eldest is 7years old.

I might say I'm going to do x y an z but I don't actually know what it will be like, till I'm there.

This is what I'm surprised you can't grasp, being a mum yourself. I don't think you're an unreasonable person at all and I'm sure in time you'll have a great relationship.

All the best.

I agree, noone knows whats going to happen in the future. At the moment, all the mother can see is this little tiny bundle who she can never imagine being parted from. In a couple of years - especially after plenty of contact with the son and her - things may be very different!

real1314

Hmmm, just been through this thread (briefly) and have to say i agree with the OP in that there seems to be lot of bias against the father of this child.

People have suggested that at 4 months old it's no surprise that the mother doesn't want to be apart from "her" child, passing them on to a stranger. erm what? it's not "her" child, it's THEIR child.

He's the Father of this child. If we want a modern world, we have to accept that as things change for women, they must also change for men.
The mother wants him to have contact! It seems she'd be happy for the child to go out with dad. But not with his new partner. erm, that is using the child as a bargaining chip.

And besides, lots of women spend time apart from their 4 month old child - they go to work, out of necessity in most cases.

Presumably the dad should be able to veto the mum from having a new b/f or at least him having any contact at all with the child? no?

thesaint

real1314 wrote: »

Hmmm, just been through this thread (briefly) and have to say i agree with the OP in that there seems to be lot of bias against the father of this child.

People have suggested that at 4 months old it's no surprise that the mother doesn't want to be apart from "her" child, passing them on to a stranger. erm what? it's not "her" child, it's THEIR child.

He's the Father of this child. If we want a modern world, we have to accept that as things change for women, they must also change for men.
The mother wants him to have contact! It seems she'd be happy for the child to go out with dad. But not with his new partner. erm, that is using the child as a bargaining chip.

And besides, lots of women spend time apart from their 4 month old child - they go to work, out of necessity in most cases.

Presumably the dad should be able to veto the mum from having a new b/f or at least him having any contact at all with the child? no?

Probably best to read the thread through properly.

loopychicken

well thought ide post an update
partner asks again to see the baby on sunday
she calls 10 mins later says
sorry but ive just decided to go to spain for 2 weeks goodbye
now what gets me is we know she hasnt been away with baby since his birth so he will not have a pass port therefore A she is lying to just put him off or B she isnt taking the baby with her which puts pay to her excuse of her not wanting to leave the baby with any one anywhere
so why is she making this so difficult she bombarded him for weeks to have contact an now she is making excuse after excuse
plus
it came out that this baby has fair hair an blue eyes
both my partner an her have very dark brown hair an brown eyes im finding this a bit strange she has also said that if SHE decides he cant ever see baby on his own to stop our payments to her an she will dissapear

now im sure alot of people would find this behavour strange an would we be wrong in saying were stopping payments for a few month to gather the money together for a dna so then if she still refuses access we can go to a solicitor where from other cases i know off he would be granted contact in a monitored center until a bond had been formed an then back to court for un supervised access ok this proccess may take several months even maybe up to a yr but we did put every 2 weeks for 6 months monitored by her to her anyway which we thought was fair

is he really askin to much?

kelloggs36

Not being funny but how do you know he doesn't have a passport? Just because she hasn't taken him away before, doesn't mean she didn't get one shortly after he was born - it doesn't take 4 months to be issued with a passport and you can get one at any time - you don't have to be travelling imminently. She may have got one this early in his life so that he CAN go on holiday with her. I don't know why you make this assumption. She may well have decided to go on holiday and has a perfect right to do so. I feel you are jumping the gun here accusing her of either lying about the holiday or assuming she is leaving the baby with somebody. Have you actually asked her? I feel you are being a bit paranoid here unless there is other evidence?

However, I do believe that you are stressing far too much at this early stage. People say things that they mean at the time, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind later on once she realises that her son's father is serious about his relationship with him. This takes time to develop, and I would ignore her when she says that it will never change - it probably will and if it doesn't then there are legal steps that your OH can take to have contact formalised in Court which may well allow for overnight stays etc. AT the moment though, just go with the flow. Ensure that your OH continues to pay for the child - but be strong, if the mother starts making demands, then he himself can apply to the CSA for formal maintenance to be calculated - they don't have to collect it if both parties agree to direct payments. At least there would be no more demands (but she hasn't made any yet - I'm just advising you if the situation should change).

He is still only tiny and it may be unreasonable to leave him for any length of time at this early stage, so the fact that she wants contact on a regular basis is fantastic. Do it on her terms for the time being and don't keep pressing her about the future - she may be digging her heels in if she is feeling pressurised.

If there are any doubts about the parentage of the baby, then there is only 1 sure fire way to find out which is through a DNA test. However, not all babies have the same colour hair or eyes as either of their parents. Neither me or my husband have blond hair or blue eyes (or brown eyes), but our daughter was born blonde with blue eyes and our son had brown hair and brown eyes. It may come from other members of the family on either side - genes are complicated, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. But if you are seriously concerned, then DNA testing is the only way to know for sure.

thesaint

loopychicken,

The passport issue has been explained brilliantly by kelloggs36.

On the subject of the babies eye colour, it is normal for two parents with brown eyes to have a child with blue eyes.

Eye colour changes as babies develop. My child has different colour eyes now compared to when he was 4 months old.

Instead of trying to find ways to show this mother up for what she is, it may be better to ignore what you think is negative behaviour and concentrate on on the best way to enable your OH to have a relationship with his child.

nickyhutch

OP, please have a look a the message board on ivillage.com. The people there have vast experience of situations just like yours and are really helpful.

rchddap1

In my case blue and brown eyes equal dark grey at the moment. Doesn't mean that she belongs to someone else. You all have to decide what you want and what is best for the child. And you can take a babe on holiday. She may not have mentioned it to you until now.

Psykicpup

aww hun I can understand why you are feeling insecure & I agree at 1st your OH should see bubs on his own. Its possible that she really is taking the baby with her or even that maybe her mum is having LO while she's away. It might also have been a 'surprise' or at least not expected holiday which would expain why things changed at the last minute- dont judge her too harshly((hugs))
as for who the baby looks like lol I'm 5foot chubby with dark hair, my sis is tall willowey & blonde!!
you never know, you & her might even become friends - part of why she is trying to get your OH onside is because she is feeling insecure too! She's all alone with a tiny baby - you know that feels.......

griff.

I think you sound very sensible under the circumstances. I understand how you must be feeling, but this is going to work out. There will be some hiccups along the way, but you seem to be a genuinely good and well-intentioned person.

You are in a situation that I would not want to be in. But sometimes, life hands us these things.

Trust your instincts. Control your fears. And remember Hamlet: 'And this above all else, to thine own self be true, and sure as day follows night, you will be true to all others too.'