need an opinion on child access..V long

loopychicken

i know what u mean about the unprotected sex i was quiet astounded my self
i think i just have to get my head round this somehow an trust him to make the right descisions when he is faced with them

i guess what is hurting the most an some will an some wont identify with me is that this is something big in his life thats happening an im not a part of it when i thought after we met all the huge things we would share together

if the child had of been here when we met then there is no question i would have coped better as i have been with guys with children an all has been fine

i guess im sort of jelouse in a way i know that sounds pathetic but i cant help feeling this way so next question is how do i cope with these ridiculas feelings

maybe im the one needing to sort my head out

another thing im having probs with is that should the mother make allowences for the future that me an him are for life an i will have to eventually play a role somewhere in the babies life even if it is just daddies g/f

im sure that her new partner hasnt been made to feel so shut out

i know i have gone on again with my self but its helping me alot wrighting about it here in the forum an reading others veiws weather they be good or bad

thank you all xx

rchddap1

If your partner isn't interested in her and loves you completely then no matter what she 'offers' or 'threatens' then nothing will change that. To be honest I think I'd prefer my partner to go off with someone else than to remain in a relationship I think is true....but is actually something else. Besides if it isn't right then it'll collapse eventually. You have to trust him on that one.

As for the child...if any proposed to me that a few months down the line they'd take my baby off they'd get a flea in their ear. At this point I don't even know them and have no idea if they'd come back, or treat my little one right. Have patience on this one.

Speaking from my partner's point of view please don't stop father and child meeting. My partner lost his baby daughter at birth and it took him 14 years to both find her and build up the courage to contact her. Now both never look back and its love at first sight (if you know what I mean).

My partner's kids and essentially nothing to do with me. If he wanted me to butt out then fair enough. However, I hope that both of his girls think of me of at least a friend, and not a mum....but sort of parent if needs be.

It is hard being a step-mum. But you fall into a role eventually that suits both mum, dad and child. You just have to be strong, and have faith that your partner will do the right thing.

findingmyownway

This baby is so young!!!! At 4 months its unatural for you to expect him to be parted from his Mum - for all you know she could need to breastfeed him every few hours!

If she is happy to bring him round to yours then thats fantastic. No, you don't have to watch then playng happy families - at the end of the day she is coming into YOUR home and im sure feels pretty uncomfortable about it. If your OH wants a relationship with his son he is going to be in regular contact with this woman for the next 18 years - if you can't handle that then now is the time to decide.

With regular visits and a gradual build up of bond, your OH can have a great relationship with his son - although i wouldnt expect regular weekend stays for a good couple of years. BUT, so can you! The baby has no preconceptions about how who cares for him and when. Let the mother teach your OH how to look after their son and then he can teach you in turn.

findingmyownway

loopychicken wrote: »

i know what u mean about the unprotected sex i was quiet astounded my self
i think i just have to get my head round this somehow an trust him to make the right descisions when he is faced with them

i guess what is hurting the most an some will an some wont identify with me is that this is something big in his life thats happening an im not a part of it when i thought after we met all the huge things we would share together

if the child had of been here when we met then there is no question i would have coped better as i have been with guys with children an all has been fine

i guess im sort of jelouse in a way i know that sounds pathetic but i cant help feeling this way so next question is how do i cope with these ridiculas feelings

maybe im the one needing to sort my head out

another thing im having probs with is that should the mother make allowences for the future that me an him are for life an i will have to eventually play a role somewhere in the babies life even if it is just daddies g/f

im sure that her new partner hasnt been made to feel so shut out

i know i have gone on again with my self but its helping me alot wrighting about it here in the forum an reading others veiws weather they be good or bad

thank you all xx

Maybe my above post was a little harsh

I understand how you feel - its not nice to know that your OH is sharing this magnificant thing with a woman thats not you.

And yes, to answer your question you will have a big part in this baby's life (as big as you want it to be). You live with his Daddy and that makes you family. Even more so than if the child was already around when you come onto the scene - this baby has no preconceptions about who loves him - if you show him love and affection, he will automatically give it back.


I have a OH with 3 kids from prev marriage. The youngest was 18 months and eldest 4 when i first met OH (they now 8,10&12) and the youngest can't remember life without me. She knows i'm not her mum - but that makes no difference to her (or the other 2). They know i love them and i will always look after them. I can't say i love them as if they were my own - becasue i dont have kids and so dont know what that means really. Equally - they would never compare the love they have for me with that they have for their Mum.
Its no bigger or smaller, better or worse - just different!

loopychicken

can i just say again...the OH has no intentions of seeing this baby away from the mother until even my OH feels comfortable
i do understand the mothers feeling truly
and also if my partner had had the baby b4 meeting me an had weekend stays allready would it not be natural for it to continue not with me obviously in the begining

i have found some of the advice given very helpfull
but also very discriminating against men

why shouldnt fathers have the same rights as mothers

it seem that ive come across as wanting us to be a huge part of the babies life from day one that isnt the case what im mostly worried about is the length of time that the mother wants to be present

no one can be there true self in an uncomfortable enviroment and if my OH is willing to see an pay towards his sone even tho it wasnt planned an in the begining he really didnt want anything to do with the whole situatiuon doesnt he deserve some credit as most fathers dont do either so is it unfair for him to want to spend time with his son alone eventually an then with me the person he seems to want to be with just as much

this situation could go on for yrs if played solely the way the mother wants it
i dont think any woman could endure her partner spending time with an ex an there child religously every weekend

n what happens when we have our children together
do i take our children to her home to bond with their brother or do i allow her to come to my home to bond it sounds a bizzare situation

he just wants to see him alone do the right thing by his child not next week or the week after but in time

put your self in the fathrs positions
what if the child went strait to the father after it was born an you had to fight for weekend visits then to be told you will never see him with out the father being there or have over night contact
what if u had other children that were missing out on your son because you wernt trusted enough or the father just couldnt bare to think of him away with the mother

i understand that its an ordeal an the fear of something happenin but is it truely fair

Spendless

The child is only 4 months. It sounds as if this is her 1st baby and naturally she is protective. I'm a bit surprised as a mum yourself you can't see this.

Over time, I think it's highly likely that this child will be allowed to come and sleep at your house and you see the child without mum present.

loopychicken

how many times do i have to say this your making me out to be an unreasonable person

i do understand the mothers worries as i have said several times
thats not the issue
i know the babie is young

its the future she wont budge on

thank you all that have read and understood what i have said an where i am coming from forthose that only eant to judge me please dont do it before you have read the whole forum

gingercordial

I think maybe the best thing to do would be to accept things the way she wants them now, without argument. It doesn't matter if that means she's "won".

Then in a year's time (or whenever) it will be time to discuss the future and how things will work out. It really doesn't matter right now, does it? Once she's comfortable with your OH then she might change her mind - and if she doesn't, the time to deal with that is when you want things to change - why ruin things from the start? There's just no need to fight about it now.

I'm sure you'll make a great step-mum! :A

thesaint

Loopychicken,

You are worrying about something that may or may not happen in a few months/years time.

Although I do see a lot of discriminatory talk about men on this board, I don't think it is the case on this thread. People are just saying that your boyfriend is a relative stranger to the mother and baby, so he has to earn the trust before things can move forward.

The mother may be saying that it will be like that for years to come, but her and her boyfriend will tire of having others in the house, it is a natural progression.

I would suggest that you get in contact with a group of people who are in a similar situation to yourself, you will be consumed by your concerns if it carries on like it is.

Spendless

loopychicken wrote: »

its the future she wont budge on

But you can no more tell a new mum what it is like to have a toddler, and be worn out and really be grateful for an overnight break, than you can explain to me how to deal with teenagers when my eldest is 7years old.

I might say I'm going to do x y an z but I don't actually know what it will be like, till I'm there.

This is what I'm surprised you can't grasp, being a mum yourself. I don't think you're an unreasonable person at all and I'm sure in time you'll have a great relationship.

All the best.