need an opinion on child access..V long

loopychicken

this is a long an maybe confusing storie but ile try an keep it short

when i met my partner everything was great i actually thought the saying there is someone for every one was true

any way after 6 months we moved in together life was so good then i started to notice little changes in my partner i knew somethin wasnt right after a short while of me going on an on it came out that just befor he met me he saw a girl for a week or two an he did sleep with her with out protection
rusult was she is pregnant

so ok i found the love of my life seemed to have no baggage an bang this was it we talked an talked he said he didnt want anythin to do with the baby i said i didnt want him to make this rash descion because of me as i will find a way round it in my head an ile be fine its his baby after all but he was adimant

baby was born...little boy....an i knew that was starting to think about him alot so i told him to reconsider his descision an he said ile think about it
in this time she has been in touch mitherin about money ect...we agreed to pay towards his up keep an gave her 100 pound per month it is about what the csa would av took if she had gone down that route this week his feelings have changed he now wants to see baby i know its been 4 months till baby was born but i dont think he could get his head arround it an also i think he was concerned about me an him

so he calles her an asks can i come see baby an she asks you bringing your g/f he says no niot this time but maybe next time as she will have to get to know him an meet you for when we have him maybe on a regular basis an take him to our home

wll she flips says no way i cant bare to be parted from him an that if we want to see him we can go to hers for a few hours or she will come to ours

now as that may seem plausable for the short trem its not in the long
i dont want to play happy families with her there
what is she gonna do when she goes to work?
an as much as i wont to support my partner i cant do it am i being unreasonable?
is she?
me an my partner are solid an trying ourselfs for a baby we come a s apackage its inevatable that i will see his son an eventually we had discussed taking him for the weekend not now but in th future but she isnt budging on him never mind us spending time with him alone

i have a daughter of my own who doesnt see her father his choice not mine i am all for him seeing his son but i think that the mother need to be a bit more reasonable for the long term
i am finding this really hard any advice welcome
thanks

black-saturn

Personally I admire you for staying with him. I'd have got rid of him the minute I found he had two timed.

If you want to stick with this man your going to have this child in your life for a long time in the future. I think you should respect the mum's wishes and not have anything to do with the child for a while. After all, it's nothing to do with you really. If you go with him to see the child it might cause arguments and that wouldnt be a healthy thing for the baby to see.

Bun

I think I read it that it was a brief fling before the relationship started.
It's good that your OH wants to see the baby, but how well do they know each other? You said that they only went out a few weeks? I'm a mum too and if I had had a child in these circumstances I'm blowed if I would let somebody I hardly know take my child to their house. He's only 4 months, again this is too young to have for the weekend, particularly as there is no bond yet. Start off seeing him for a few hours at a time at her house and see how it goes from there. Nobody is going to benefit from having a tiny baby at yours yet, but when he's older he will be easier to see more often, and you will be able to make new arrangements.

looby75

black-saturn wrote: »

Personally I admire you for staying with him. I'd have got rid of him the minute I found he had two timed.

If you want to stick with this man your going to have this child in your life for a long time in the future. I think you should respect the mum's wishes and not have anything to do with the child for a while. After all, it's nothing to do with you really. If you go with him to see the child it might cause arguments and that wouldnt be a healthy thing for the baby to see.

BS he didn't twotime,

From the OP

any way after 6 months we moved in together life was so good then i started to notice little changes in my partner i knew somethin wasnt right after a short while of me going on an on it came out that just befor he met me he saw a girl for a week or two an he did sleep with her with out protection
rusult was she is pregnant

OP I think what i would do is at first go along with your partner seeing his baby at either your or his ex's house. The baby is still only very young but once he gets older then the issue of seeing him away from his mum can be raised again. It's better that your partner has some contact than nothing at all which is probably what will happen if the issue is pushed right now. He hasn't bothered for 4 months so it's not unreasonable that the babies mum will have reservations about just handing the baby over.

Spendless

I know a lot of mums who wouldn't let baby out of sight, including one who wouldn't let her husband care for their eldest if she had to go out . It took her 2 more kids to realise what hard work it is with no one to give you a break .

I'd go along with what babys mum wants at min and just give it time.

thesaint

loopychicken,
You've had some excellent advice, I think that the childs mother is quite correct in the limitations she is putting up.
I would actually go as far as to say that she is being more reasonable than I would expect in the circumstances.

Go along with her request, if it goes well, she will gradually see whether the father can be trusted to have further contact similar to what he wants.

bunty109

I think everyone has a poitn. This woman really doesn't know your OH all that well, so why on earth should she entrust her baby to him? A lot of us will appreciate how you feel as a new mum especially.

I don't think she has issues with you per se, just the whole idea of her child being away from her with two people she doesn't know that well. In order for this to work, I thik you need to try and get to know her a bit and play by her rules.

loopychicken

i understand what u all are saying an as a mother my self i compleately understand her views
maybe what i missed out is that she has been mitherin him to have a relationship with his sone
but she is adimant that it will allways be on her terms an allways in her presence this is what i am fiding difficult

an no he didnt sleep with her behind my back

from the little he knows about her an her family an from what he as told me it doesnt seem like she will budge on this

so do i just except that she has won an sit back an let them play happy families an i stand in the back ground see from the tx an convo's with her over the last few months i think she may try to get my OH to play at being a real happy family i know i have to trust him an i do but how do i tell her to back off an its about him an baby with out messing it all up for him an her sayin he cant se baby at all

loopychicken

missed out a bit

we didnt expect to see baby once or twice an then have over night contact

our thoughts were him on his own for a few visits then i would join him then after a few months maybe a day out with him an them maybe a yr or so over night contact
i would av thought that the bond wouldav been strong enough bythen baring in mind as well he is the father an inmost situations like this it tends to be the norm of wekend visits eventually

nickyhutch

OP have a look at https://www.ivillage.co.uk. They have message boards, and one specifically for step families and situations like yours. I've found them to be very helpful. Good Luck.

thesaint

loopychicken wrote: »

i understand what u all are saying an as a mother my self i compleately understand her views
maybe what i missed out is that she has been mitherin him to have a relationship with his sone
but she is adimant that it will allways be on her terms an allways in her presence this is what i am fiding difficult

an no he didnt sleep with her behind my back

from the little he knows about her an her family an from what he as told me it doesnt seem like she will budge on this

so do i just except that she has won an sit back an let them play happy families an i stand in the back ground see from the tx an convo's with her over the last few months i think she may try to get my OH to play at being a real happy family i know i have to trust him an i do but how do i tell her to back off an its about him an baby with out messing it all up for him an her sayin he cant se baby at all

It seems that there are two different issues here.
She hasn't 'Won' anything, it's not a game.

If you suspect that she is secretly trying to get back with him, and using their child to tempt him into her arms, then if your boyfriend doesn't want this. then it won't happen.

No need to tell her to 'back off', as he will simply decline?

If she decides that he can only see their child on the condition that he has a relationship with her, then it's time to go to court.

I hope your boyfriend isn't in the habit of having unprotected sex with girls he hardly knows, as you might have a few knocks on the door in the coming months.