Help with 3 year old please

mae

I know there have been quite a few threads helping with childrens behaviour but I was wondering if anybody could help me decide on a way forward with my littel girl. She is 3 years old, very quick, very forward, has been with everything. She spoke very early and I think that is why I didn't really have any tantrum phases as she could communicate so well with us and there was no frustration on any part so I've had a really easy time with her which was a breath of fresh air after my son. Now though she is going through a phase that I'm not sure how to handle. She can be quite rude infront of new people, she says whatever she feels and sometimes its quite insulting and other times she comes across as quite spoilt and a bit nasty which she isn't at home. I know people say not to make an issue of the bad behaviour and praise the good, which I agree with, however surely if I just ignore it she may think its ok to speak to people like that. I really don't like bad mannered kids so when my own is doing it I'm mortified and when I have pulled her on it infront of the person she seems to get very embarrassed and her attitiude gets worse!!! Maybe I'm making a meal out if as she is only 3 but I don't want to avoid situations incase she speaks badly to people but it stresses me out.
I said to her this morning that we need to have a little chat now she is a big girl about manners and being polite to people and she said I don't forget my manners at nursery I said I know thats because you're such a good girl.
I think with new people its actually a confidence thing, although it comes across as she is over confident, I think its the opposite. Does that make sense?
Is this normal behaviour for a 3 year old and has anybody any suggestions?
Thanks

liney

Depends what she says. My son at just gone 2 years, asked very loudly 'why that man hasnt got any hair', now luckily the old chap laughed and i explained, but was that rude or inquisitive?

mae

No she says things like for example in a cafe I asjed for a toastie for her with salad and the lady said the salads are very big so If I were you I would give her some off your plate so my daughter said very loudly and with a tone 'No I want my own salad' the lady tried to explain nicely to her and my daughter started again with a manner about her that wasn't pleasant. I told her that wasn't nice and she just looked embarrassed but started going on loudly even more. She just sounded cheeky and spoilt. It doesn't help she talks so much and so loud :rolleyes: . I wanted to make her apologise but I knew that she would have just gone worse through embarrassment and refused then I would have been more embarrassed. You know viscous cirlcle really but not acceptable surely.
She has asked things in the past when she saw a lady in a wheel chair she asked why that lady was in a pram? I explained to her and she was fine and that is normal and acceptable in my opinion.
Its the other things like when my friend said you look nice she replied 'No I don't' again in an unpleasant manner. Or when my other friend bought her some sweets my daughter said 'I didn't want them' :eek:

funky-footprints

your daughter sounds just like mine, she is 4 now. I think she is still young to understand the difference between the correct things to say and when to zip it. maybe it just comes over time with a little encouagement from us parents?

sometimes i just wish my dd would button it, part of it is down to being inquisitive and i dont think we can tell them off for that, but i get embarressed daily.

i so remember my mum telling me not to stare!!! so I try to remember that with my children.

My daughter asked her nursery teacher this week was she going to retire soon?? her teacher is only 39.

i think you are right about the confidence thing. I can only say you sound as if you are doing a great job bringing your little girl up, and to expect many more moments !! it does get easier, 4 is definately better than 3!!

my son at 6 now understands it is rude to tell someone thay have a spot on thier nose or odd socks on. yet my daughter would point and loudly shriek.
xx

rio

It sounds to me like she knows her own mind and likes pushing the boundaries. Interestingly enough my son spoke really early and I've had exactly the same sort of problems with him, and still do. He has even argued with his headmaster over something that he didn't feel was right. I remember a situation in a restaurant with an omelette that was slightly overcooked that he refused to eat and he was rude to the waitress. The only thing you can do is chastise her and wherever possible try to get her to apologise for her behaviour - difficult I know when they are so young. She probably has no idea that she is being offensive, and would probably get really upset if she thought she was being naughty. If its any consolation our son is still forthright, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times he has told a lie; so she probably won't grow up into a deceitful child.

back2square1

As you have mentioned already your daughter is a bright girl so she must understand her behaviour is inappropriate especially when you correct her on it at the instant she does it.

I have two sons aged 5 and 7 and they keep me on my toes with their behaviour. The only thing I can suggest in your situation is whenever your daughter behaves in this manner is to first give her a warning saying you do not like her talking like that and if she carries on doing so you will leave wherever you are and go straight home. You will find she may test you on this so you have got to keep your word. Leave and take her home.

Her reaction will most likely to one of upset but ignore her and carry it through, go home.

Remind her why you are doing this, that you did warn her if she carried on she would no longer be staying where she was (ie at a friends house). If you keep this up everytime this behaviour occurs she will soon realise that she needs to behave whilst out with you and will learn to behave appropriately.

Jo_R_2

You know, I honestly think there is nothing wrong, she sounds just like my DD1 who is three. They want what they want, less insistently so than, say, a two year old, but they still do have desires which outweigh any common sense or adult logic. Sometimes we just have to deal with it the best we can - I am always telling myself I can't expect adult behaviour from a child (especially one so young!)

Sometimes I or others will say to DD1, "your hair looks lovely today", or "you have been very good today" and she will immediately reply, "no I haven't." Anyone who knows children will know it's not odd, and anyone who doesn't, well, don't worry about it! We can teach them good manners but they learn gradually why, as in respecting people, and will apply it more (or manipulate it more!) the more they come to understand. I have put myself in my DD's shoes so many times and stopped myself short of going, "say please/thankyou/hello/bye" because it's not fair on her to chastise her for forgetting, because I know she can do it. I often employ the ''s this worth the battle?' question, most of the time it's not, but when I think it's important, I take the time to explain what is important and why, and to take her away form that situation if I can so she doesn't feel pressured wherein I know she'll do the exact opposite of what I would like!

But that's kids for you

mae

Thanks so much for all your replies it helps to know she isn't unusual. I think I'll have a basic chat to her so I keep on top of what is acceptable so she is aware and then try to be firm when needed while trying not to make too much of a fuss about it while ignoring it while sticking to my guns :rotfl: The joys of being everything to our children and getting it wrong alot of the time :eek:
Thanks again

bigpaws23

Hiya,

from reading the examples you cited, I really think there is nothing 'wrong' at all. We get embarassed as the adults, but our children are just speaking their minds. She is very forward and children take things and say things literally, so she is literally saying what she thinks!

She may be experimenting with you, but I think she is a little young for that. Be proud that you have a wonderful girl who knows her own mind. Perhaps reframe it with a 'well you certainly know your own mind don't you', or a 'my goodness, you're outspoken with your strong feelings today' which to her is a compliment and to an adult communicates that you are aware she may have spoken a little harshly.

She sounds wonderful, and just like my little girl. My learning has been to deal with my own acceptance of who she is and to accept that the embarassment belongs to *me*. Know what I mean? As they get older they can relate more to other's feelings, but at 3 the world still revolves around her ego (in her eyes)

Bigpaws x

Carmina_Piranha_3

jo has posted what i was going to say.

one thing that helped with my son (he had developmental delay and was being rude and bad mannered long after other children had stopped) was that if he really was embarrassing us we would say 'that's enough now' and he knew to stop talking for a while :rotfl: he didn't always manage it though.

children are told not to tell lies or keep secrets, but then they are also told not to be rude, so sometimes speaking their mind seems like being truthful to them. eventually they get the hang of manners, but i've heard 3 year olds much worse than yours, she sounds lovely imo

mae

Awe you lot always amaze me going out of your way to reply and make people feel better and add any advice you've got. Its really just balanced things out for me and put them back into perspective. She is amazing, she's witty, clever, expressive and many other positive things as well as the painfully loud manner and I suppose I'd rather she be outspoken than agressive or any of the many other things that she could be. I'll keep gently chipping away.
Thanks