Help with childcare for carer of elderly parent? Complicated!

xylophone

I think you need to explore with social services whether, in the specific circumstances, the council will pay the nursery fees for the days in question.

poet123

It seems that your Aunt is between a rock and a hard place and has to assess her own priorities.

Her mother may not want professional help but to help her daughter and granddaughter she is going to have to accept it, at least for a portion of the week.

You don't say what is wrong with her or how old she is, both of which will have a bearing on the type of help available. I think that the time has come for your Aunt to put her foot down.

KxMx

It seems alternatives can be found for the elderly parent but not the baby. So I think I agree with the above post.

marybelle01

poet123 wrote: »

It seems that your Aunt is between a rock and a hard place and has to assess her own priorities.

Her mother may not want professional help but to help her daughter and granddaughter she is going to have to accept it, at least for a portion of the week.

You don't say what is wrong with her or how old she is, both of which will have a bearing on the type of help available. I think that the time has come for your Aunt to put her foot down.

I agree. Older people can be remarkably resistant to the idea of strangers caring for them, but she needs to understand that her personal choices are not paramount and that she is putting her great-grandchild at risk, at the very least, of being moved to a location which is less than ideal for the whole family. She is extremely fortunate to have such a close knit family who are willing to make sacrifices of their own in order to support her - many older people don't have this; and that is no criticism of anyone's family, just the reality of modern society where families are often widely dispersed and/or cannot afford to give up work to support older relatives. Now she is being asked to make some of the sacrifice, and it isn't that big a sacrifice because it simply means that for a few days her care is provided by a professional and not by a family member. She may not like it, but I don't think there is anything unreasonable in this. And you may find that after a short period she actually gets to like her alternate carer. People often do.

skintandscared_2

I think the aunt is going to have to explain to her mother that if she refuses outside care the baby will be taken away from the family. It's not just about her anymore, harsh though it may sound!

I do have similar thoughts to the poster who suggested adoption. You may have a different experience of the process to me, but my partner could not have chosen better parents than the ones who chose him and he had a wonderful childhood.

I am also trying hard not to think too much about how a young girl with learning difficulties, sufficient for social services to say she is incapable of caring for her own child, became pregnant by a "violent and abusive" man.

BigAunty

mazza1985 wrote: »

... One of the difficulties we are facing is finding someone to look after the child during the day Monday to Wednesday. ...my cousins sister works Monday to Wednesday, my mother who lives near by works until 14:30 Monday and Tuesday and starts work at 13:30 on wednesday. ...

Why can't one or both of them change their shift patterns with their employer, find a new job with more appropriate hours for the family responsibilities or give up their employment to care for the child or elderly person?

marybelle01

BigAunty wrote: »

Why can't one or both of them change their shift patterns with their employer, find a new job with more appropriate hours for the family responsibilities or give up their employment to care for the child or elderly person?

Possibly because:

• not everyone has an employer who will change their shifts
• not everyone can find a new job at the drop of a hat that suits the hours they would want to work
• because they don't have "family responsibilities" - nobody is legally responsible for another adult, not even a member of their family; and the child isn't theirs - it is choice
• they do not want to give up their employment
• they cannot afford to give up their employment
• they cannot take on more caring responsibilities for family than they already have on their plate
• they don't want to care for someone - many people couldn't cope with caring
• they wouldn't be any good at that care - not everyone is

Dunroamin

mazza1985 wrote: »

It takes many years for a child to be adopted, they get moved around between foster parents and care homes, and the outcomes for the child are very poor. I would take the child on before it came to that point, but I live 150 miles away and that means the childs mother would not be able to be involved if she wanted to be, and we are trying to give her that chance. I do understand the reasons why you have suggested this though as this is obviously going to be difficult to manage for everyone. However as a family we have decided we want to do everything possible to prevent the child from going into care.

Thank you for taking my suggestion in the way it was intended and I appreciate that your family don't want to make this choice.

However, for the sake of anyone else facing this situation, I have to say that you are totally wrong in the statement I've highlighted. There is a long waiting list for newborn babies who are willingly given up for adoption and there would be no reason why any of the things you mention to happen.

You do the adoption option a great disservice by putting out such misleading information, although I'm not going to take the discussion off topic any further by saying any more than this. I hope your family sorts something out.

marybelle01

skintandscared wrote: »

I am also trying hard not to think too much about how a young girl with learning difficulties, sufficient for social services to say she is incapable of caring for her own child, became pregnant by a "violent and abusive" man.

Because a young woman with learning difficulties is not a prisoner and has a right to go out and to a life of her own, and since any young woman can manage to meet men, even ones who are violent and abusive, then so can she? If you need the bit about how she got pregnant explaining I can recommend some excellent reading material

I do know what you mean, but the fact is that people with learning difficulties, even severe ones, are not mentally incompetant and have human rights. They cannot be locked up away from all the bad influences in the world, they cannot be watched 24/7 when they are adults, and they cannot be subjected to medical treatment which they have not agreed to. Believe me - this situation is a long way from being rare, although often people with learning difficulties can make excellent parents with a little help. And I hope nobody would be suggesting that someone make decisions for enforced sterilisation of people deemed to be unfit to be parents, because that worked out so well for the people who last tried it....

BigAunty

marybelle01 wrote: »

Possibly because:

• not everyone has an employer who will change their shifts
• not everyone can find a new job at the drop of a hat that suits the hours they would want to work
• because they don't have "family responsibilities" - nobody is legally responsible for another adult, not even a member of their family; and the child isn't theirs - it is choice
• they do not want to give up their employment
• they cannot afford to give up their employment
• they cannot take on more caring responsibilities for family than they already have on their plate
• they don't want to care for someone - many people couldn't cope with caring
• they wouldn't be any good at that care - not everyone is

Possibly because they'd rather continue their present lifestyle without any change, see this issue as something for the public purse to pay for and a third party to provide rather than a family matter, that kinship ties mean nothing to them compared to their own personal preferences, that the state should solve their problems rather than the family take primary responsibility....