how to get over someone you cant be with

meandmylife

i read this forum a lot , so hope i can get opinions .

not sure where to start with this ,

im married but cant stop thinking about an other person.

when i was in my teens i was dating ( lets call them A )
this was kept a secret from our families as it just wouldn't of been allowed.

so after a while we both decided that there wouldn't be a future with us and we parted .

A has always been in my mind and heart as the years have passed .
we have always kept in touch but don't socialize . a few years ago we decided to meet up and have a drink .
after a few drinks we started talking about the past and our feelings , we both really opened up to each other.
it went no further than the talking. we have meet up a few time since then and the subject always comes up ,
the what if.... what could of happened and all that.

there could be nothing ever between us .

i love my partner with all my heart.

but that doesn't stop me thinking of A , and because of that i feel guilty and ashamed.

so how do i put A behind me and get on with my life.

thank you for reading

Mara69

Stop being friends, stop meeting with him, cut all contact. Stop fantasising about what might have been, because it is just that - a fantasy. Concentrate on the relationship you have. You are actually being very disloyal and selfish.

skypie123_2

I agree with Mara. You're fantasising about this guy because the 'relationship' never had a chance to run it's course. In fact when you both had the chance to start it, all those years ago, you decided, both of you, it wasn't a good idea.
Stop meeting him, stop talking to him. You have a partner you love.
Be thankful for what you have, you're very lucky.
The 'what ifs' would never be like the reality anyway.
It would be like me fantasising that I'm dating Brian Cox or something, would all be wonderful until he stank the bathroom out or did something that really p@@sed me off.
Leave the past where it is and be grateful for your present, make a future with your partner.

Tiddlywinks

The grass isn't always greener on the other side... and familiarity can breed contempt... there's truth in these sayings, you know.

To you, this person seems perfect BUT he is a real live person who will have his faults as well as his good bits and living with him might not be the perfect life of your fantasies.

You love your current partner so it is time to make a decision - breaks ties with this other guy as you are only fuelling the fantasies and then get on with your real life - at least then you will have made a decision to stay and commit yourself to your partner without the 'noise' and day dreaming that contact with the 'other' man is encouraging.

Think to yourself - what would happen if your partner left tomorrow with no intention of coming back... would you be devastated? Yes? Then you have your answer...

marisco_2

You say that you love your partner with all your heart, which suggests to me that your relationship is really good and solid.

The relationship you had with 'A' many years ago was cut short due to circumstances beyond your control. If we all reflected on our early loves, especially the heady beginnings of a relationship, it would all look wonderful.

If there hadn't been all these barriers to you two being together, who is to say whether things would really have worked out. It could be that you wouldn't be such a great match as you are with your partner now.

Feel happy that you knew this person but accept that for reasons known by yourself it could not have worked. Feel blessed that you have gone on and found love with someone else who you love very much. That is something that some people never achieve.

ruby-roo_2

Why has everyone assumed the OP is a woman? This could easily have been written by a bloke.

Anyway whether I am responding to Martha or Arthur I would recommend being grateful for what you have. Trust someone who has jumped the fence, the grass is not always greener on the other side

meandmylife

i would like to thank you all for your input , its nice to see others opinions and views on things .
A and myself are both female and my partner is male . i have been open about that side of things from the start from my husband . i know it doesn't make a difference but people thought it was an other man .

i think i have always known what needs to be done concerning A , i think sometimes you just need someone else to confirm that its the right thing to do in the long term.
i was looking at it from the point of, well i know there is never going to be anything in it so what harms it doing , just as you would about brad pitt ,but he doesn't just pop into my head whenever. it was then i knew i need to stop think of them.
i think i have a lot of soul searching to be done.

raven83

meandmylife wrote: »

i would like to thank you all for your input , its nice to see others opinions and views on things .
A and myself are both female and my partner is male . i have been open about that side of things from the start from my husband . i know it doesn't make a difference but people thought it was an other man .

i think i have always known what needs to be done concerning A , i think sometimes you just need someone else to confirm that its the right thing to do in the long term.
i was looking at it from the point of, well i know there is never going to be anything in it so what harms it doing , just as you would about brad pitt ,but he doesn't just pop into my head whenever. it was then i knew i need to stop think of them.
i think i have a lot of soul searching to be done.

I went through something VERY similar and it ended in lots of tears and heartache. It is hard to resist the temptation and wonder what could of been but sometimes it is for the best, what you think life might be like with her, might not turn out how you expected, trust me that one.

Fire_Fox

You are married: meeting and talking this way is emotional infidelity or least very close to it. Love and lust are close to addictions, and the best way to deal with addiction is abstinence. Leave your husband or end the contact.

raven83

Fire_Fox wrote: »

You are married: meeting and talking this way is emotional infidelity or least very close to it. Love and lust are close to addictions, and the best way to deal with addiction is abstinence. Leave your husband or end the contact.

This is what I had to do in my case, and as a result lost my best friend but I do feel a lot happier for it,

meandmylife

Fire_Fox wrote: »

You are married: meeting and talking this way is emotional infidelity or least very close to it. Love and lust are close to addictions, and the best way to deal with addiction is abstinence. Leave your husband or end the contact.

i have never and will never be unfaithful to my husband .
i know that i have left my emotions get to far but its not as easy like flipping a switch. i do agree that its like addiction. its the how to go about getting out of it that im finding difficult.