How to Handle CSA payment difficulties with Father

[Deleted User]

Gigervamp wrote: »

I think it's time to stop being civilised. Your ex has had his own way for long enough.

Also, I'm not sure about the savings account being defunct due to the takeover. My hubby had a savings account with Abbey National and when Santander took over, the account just transfered to them. I'd definitely speak to Santander about that.

Reading inbetween the lines of what my OH has said, he has been sent letters warning him the account was 'defunct' and asking what he wanted to do but ignored them. As said elsewhere, my OH is/was a trustee but when my son turned 16 he lost any ability to do anything with the account. He seems to think he needs to sign the account over to our son but I would imagine that's not necessary now he's turned 16. I have started a trace facility for the account so even without my ex's help, I will stand a chance of finding it for my son to activate it and reinvest. Its not earning any interest from what my ex said.

Have you found out why the CSA are now chasing this up?

It was a mystery at first but after my phone call with the CSA I realise the case was never closed after my investigative phone call three years ago to find out about claiming CSA from my ex. <Gulp> This means he will be chased for arrears as well although I have told CSA I'm not bothered about arrears.., the past is the past. But I would appreciate our son getting some support while he's finishing his education. I suspect its going to be really needed.

I really feel uneasy about causing this kind of trouble.., but I am finding a back bone and well, he is his father. I put our son first, he needs to as well. Nothing stopping him getting a second job if he has to (sorry if that sounds hard., but it really really has been difficult the last few years).

I am also due to start a training course to help me find work in the next month. I had to stay at home to help my older son (he spent quite some time refusing school because of problems there) but (keeping everything crossed) I am hoping things are improved enough for me to start work now and keep the job (kept having to take time off work when he was little because of the developing problems his SEN's presented, it just got worse from there as he got older til recently).

Fire_Fox

IMO let the CSA go for the arrears, you can use the money for your son's education, private tutition or to help set him up as living independent or semi-independent when the time comes. If your ex is a pathological liar even more reason to ask him to set things down in writing, you may find he is less willing to leave evidence of his lies and manipulation.

GobbledyGook

Does your son have a relationship with his father?

I'm not one for sinking to other people's levels normally, but if he doesn't I'd be tempted to come across as agreeing to forgo the arrears as a private arrangement and get the bank account for your son. Then once it was all sorted I'd ask the CSA to open a current case.

It might be devious and sneaky, but so is blackmailing your way out of paying maintenance and trying to use money saved by grandparents instead.

Obviously not a good option if he has contact with your son as he's not going to be happy about it.

princeofpounds

I really feel uneasy about causing this kind of trouble..,

When is asking a father to support his child trouble? It's not like you are claiming for something that shouldn't be due.

gadgeteer_2

deannatrois wrote: »

I suspect he hasn't made much attempt to see our son to get at me. Obviously I'm the one who hurts when he hurts and my ex knows that.

What a shining example of a man he is. Using his son as a pawn. If that is true then why are you considering letting this guy off paying maintenance?

What's in it for you? More importantly, what's in it for your son?

You said you've caved into his demands for 10 years whilst you were together. I know old habits die hard but seriously!?!?!

In the nicest possible way, get a grip. Let the CSA extract every penny they can out of him and spend it on your son.

It's not unfair on your ex at all. If he was a doting father who saw his son at every opportunity then ok...maybe. But he pays nothing, rarely if at all sees your son.

You know what the right decision is. Please have the presence of mind to stick to it.

If you cave in now, he will be laughing at what a mug you've been. And it will have been true. You will have allowed yourself to be emotionally blackmailed again.

newcook

Im with Gadgeteer – its about time this excuse for a man accepted his responsibilities!

If you have a smartphone, download a call recording app – you never know when it may come in handy next time you have to talk to him (especially if he happens to mention the bank account)


Be strong – you may not want the hassle of it all and want a peaceful life for you and your family but this is about your son and what is right for him. Im not too sure what disabilities your son has but this money could be put aside for in the future if ever he needs specialist equipment.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Meh. My first ex didn't pay a penny for years, then the CSA caught him and within six months, his new girlfriend was pregnant. By the time the CSA caught him again, he was unemployed and married with two children. But because he had ignored them, they went for the original amount owed.

He was obviously not happy about this, but whether I liked it or not, he was going to be pursued for the money. The CSA contacted me out of the blue to say would I like the share I should have received.

I said yes.

When I received the payment, my DD had just left home. I'd used every penny I had earned in that period for her benefit, pennies that would have gone much further had I received the maintenance when it was actually due. Might have got me on the property ladder, most likely would have gone towards meeting rent payments.


So I actually used the money on myself, seeing as I hadn't had a penny spare with which to do that when he refused to pay maintenance. I feel no guilt, I actually got some normal things - a passport, some driving lessons and a guitar - which have actually enabled me to get work.


The odds are that the account isn't there already, he's likely to have cleared it out by faking a signature. Follow the other posters' advice if it hasn't.


Shrug your shoulders and tell him that the CSA can't be called off because it's them doing it, not you.


It's the only money you are guaranteed to get from him.

lazer

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Meh. My first ex didn't pay a penny for years, then the CSA caught him and within six months, his new girlfriend was pregnant. By the time the CSA caught him again, he was unemployed and married with two children. But because he had ignored them, they went for the original amount owed.

He was obviously not happy about this, but whether I liked it or not, he was going to be pursued for the money. The CSA contacted me out of the blue to say would I like the share I should have received.

I said yes.

When I received the payment, my DD had just left home. I'd used every penny I had earned in that period for her benefit, pennies that would have gone much further had I received the maintenance when it was actually due. Might have got me on the property ladder, most likely would have gone towards meeting rent payments.


So I actually used the money on myself, seeing as I hadn't had a penny spare with which to do that when he refused to pay maintenance. I feel no guilt, I actually got some normal things - a passport, some driving lessons and a guitar - which have actually enabled me to get work.


The odds are that the account isn't there already, he's likely to have cleared it out by faking a signature. Follow the other posters' advice if it hasn't.


Shrug your shoulders and tell him that the CSA can't be called off because it's them doing it, not you.


It's the only money you are guaranteed to get from him.

I think you shouldn't used the money to pay for treats for yourself
Child Maintenance is paid so that the child gets the benefit of both parents income, the child in your case got no benefit from her fathers income.

Welfare in tis country provides enough that you can raise a child without maintenance, so you therefore obviously had at least the minimum amount needed to raise a child, the maintenance therefore has entirely pointless in your case IMO

[Deleted User]

Yes, don't worry, I feel a bit uncomfortable about it but am determined to stick to my guns.., otherwise the conversations wouldn't have gone as they had. There is a lot of discomfort but also some satisfaction that at long last he will have to realise his son should come first in other people's eyes (CSA) if not his own. He's not rolling in it, but obviously his son has come nowhere on his list of priorities so far. Time for that to change even if its forced upon him. I'm not going to lie about the situation as I have my morals, and will keep within them although I appreciate that's not the way everyone would go.

KiKi

lazer wrote: »

Welfare in tis country provides enough that you can raise a child without maintenance

By that reasoning, no parent should ever give more to their child than the welfare state provides, then?


The whole point of Child Maintenance is for both parents to assume responsibility - not calculate what's required to survive. Jojo paid out way more than she should have in order for her child to enjoy what her child should have had from her father; so she got the money back.

She loaned the money from herself, if you like, and paid it back once the father paid up.

If he'd paid whilst the child was growing up, and instead of spending the money for survival Jojo was able to save it, then effect would be exactly the same - she could have bought her guitar and driving lessons when her child left home.

KiKi