How to Handle CSA payment difficulties with Father

[Deleted User]

Three years ago when I was in a lot of financial difficulty (benefit dependant) I contacted CSA because I could see my ex going on several holidays a year, buying a flash car but he refused to help out in any way at all financially. The CSA person pointed out that whether my ex paid or not, my benefits would be reduced as if he was so I could end up worse off (honest, this is what she said). So I told her I wouldn't pursue it (the likelihood of my ex paying it without a rod at the back of him was not high) so I felt I'd probably end up even worse off.

I've tried to keep civil with my ex, not speaking nasty about things whatever my personal feelings.

Our son has aspergers and dyspraxia, has required quite intensive help at times to keep him in school and lots of emotional support but is now doing very well indeed. Obviously, I've been the carer.

But I anticipate problems ahead as he's due to go to sixth form with a very limited bursary (£100 a term last year) and quite high costs. I already top up the rent by £150 a month (only a basic terraced house I promise, nothing luxurious) but we get DLA so that helps. However I expect to lose that DLA when it changes to PIP needing ATOS led examinations before he's due to leave school. Fares are going to be expensive (I have to escort him). Going to be difficult to cover the extra costs even with DLA, even though I manage our budget very aggressively.

So.., was surprised to get a very rare phone call from my ex three weeks ago. CSA had contacted him saying he owed £15 and he wanted me to say we had a private arrangement (we had none, not received anything from him) so he wouldn't be chased by them. He said he couldn't afford £15 (he is working but says he is on minimum wage). He said he'd be made homeless (he's living with his partner - unhappily supposedly because of his finances and when I told him he could try spareroom.co.uk and get a room for £69 a week he said he was paying less so something isn't true somewhere).

I told him I wouldn't say we had a private arrangement, it wasn't true and had no idea what was going on (I didn't, I thought the previous CSA case had been closed). I told him to contact CAB, gave him a few email addresses that help with this kind of thing but was left wondering what on earth was going on.

Today I came home to find a letter from CSA asking me to contact them. When speaking to them they said they could take 40% of his earnings (I have discovered its 15% from research I have done) and they had decided he had to pay a reasonable sum each month. They did say they had set an intermediary amount, but would assess it in more detail later. They are going to start taking it from his wages directly, so this must have been going on for some time.

They made it sound like it was up to me to decide whether he should pay this amount, or I could accept a lesser amount. It later turned out (I think from my research) that I have two options.., let the CSA pursue him for the full amount they want or enter into a private arrangement with my ex (which he can decide not to pay and I have no come back on). All I want is a half amount that will help with my son's extra expenses over the next two or three years, but need to be sure he gets it. A private arrangement won't achieve that. His father hardly has a good track record.

Later today, his father phoned me again, said that he was a trustee of a instant saver account set up for our son when he was born by his grandparents. He said he would send that to me and that could be considered a 'private arrangement' and then the CSA wouldn't chase after him. I'm not good in these situations, I tend to cave but I did point out that this money was saved over many years for our son so he could put it towards something significant later on in life. Its not meant to allow his father to not support his son! Plus it turns out that his father, as trustee was supposed to sign the money over to his son when he turned 16 in January. He hasn't. He was intimating that unless I agreed asap, the money would disappear as the original Building Society has been bought out by Santander. He said that the CSA situation has forced his hand. Why he didn't bring this up eight month's ago I don't like to guess (trying to keep this civilised). I have never seen anything relating to this account, so no idea if I can chase it up without his father's co-operation even though from what he let slip, our son should be able to control this account. Its a defunct account because of the buy out.

Anyway, I refused to agree.,. but didn't get irate or anything.., I just said that he was our son's parent, just the same as me and should be doing something to support him. If I had to go without food to feed my son's, it happened. Children come first. I told him how worried I was about being able to keep our son in sixth form and I'd really appreciate his help. Really tried to be positive and come up with suggestions but stay insistent that as the father he should be helping.

At first he seemed to accept this but he spoke to our son later on and seems to be rather bitter and intimating that I am rolling in it somehow lol. Wish I was. Its ripping our son apart. I was trying to keep him out of it til that conversation.

I don't know what to do or if I can do anything to keep this civilised. I was so worried about how I'd afford to keep our son in school and the CSA letter seemed to be a bit of a lifeline. Now it looks like my son will lose access to this savings account, gawd knows what will happen to the CSA claim and his father is even less keen to see him than he was. His father isn't known for being terribly truthful when a story will do., I've spotted quite a few things in what he's said so far that are a bit conflicting so I don't know what to think or say anymore. I am just as concerned about our son and his well being as the money. He's had a lot to deal with.

Apologies for the huge post but I would appreciate comments. Do I just sit it out and see what happens?

floss2

Personally, I would sit it out & let the CSA get on with it.

I've been there, and they eventually caught up with my ex, via his employer (a bit embarassing when you are a senior manager, to be called to HR and have to sign to say you have received a letter from the CSA!), and through various bits of information from me, they also established that he had lied originally when he told them he lived on his own (he had bought his house with his now wife) so he had to pay arrears of £5k for our 2 sons.

However, if he is a mainly absent parent, you might need to think along the lines of him wanting more access if he is paying for it, and how your son would cope with that.

jayII

I'm no expert but in your shoes I'd be trying to find out more about the supposed savings account for your son. (It may or may not exist, probably not, going by your ex's track record of trying to bully you into doing what he wants.) I'd contact Santander, google 'finding lost accounts' to get ideas, and do anything else I could think of.

If you find anything, I'd then speak to a solicitor for advice (you can usually get 30 mins free advice).

What I would not do is give into his demands. I'd sit tight and let the CSA sort the financial side out.

Gigervamp

I think it's time to stop being civilised. Your ex has had his own way for long enough.

Also, I'm not sure about the savings account being defunct due to the takeover. My hubby had a savings account with Abbey National and when Santander took over, the account just transfered to them. I'd definitely speak to Santander about that.

Have you found out why the CSA are now chasing this up?

[Deleted User]

Many thanks. Started the account tracing procedure. Otherwise will sit and see what happens.

newcook

What a horrible little man! And how dare he try and blackmail you by saying he will sign over the account (which is your sons anyway!!) if you call off the hounds!

Are the grandparents still alive? Could you ask them about it if they are?


I would let CSA carry on getting your money for you – at least that way you know you will be getting some money from him for your son.

rpc

Let the CSA deal with it.

March your son into Santander and explain. If he has reached the requisite age (16 in Scotland, 18 in England) then the money is his to control. You may need to prove ID and it would help a lot if you had the account number or a statement. The trustee cannot block this - assuming it is a bare trust, they have no power to do anything without the beneficiary's consent after age 16/18.

gadgeteer_2

Standard practice from an errant ex when being chased by the CSA. Emotional blackmail mixed in with asking you to lie.

Stand strong. If you cave you will get nothing. Any 'private' arrangement won't last as the novelty of paying will wear off quickly.

princeofpounds

Hi there, there is a CSA sub-board here on the forums so I recommend you visit it.

I can fully understand you feeling like it's worth going a little bit easy for the sake of harmony, but as I read more the less I think that is a viable option. His behaviour is pretty shocking, especially hiding the account and then wanting to use it to bail himself out.

Be a bit careful around the account. It might be set up in your son's name, but it also might not be. In the latter case, you would need to extract some kind of evidence from him that this belongs to your son, so perhaps getting some written communication on the matter (under the guise of trying to clarify his 'offer') could be useful.

Fire_Fox

If you are not assertive dealing with your ex on the telephone don't speak to him. Use the broken record technique, ask him to write to you and/ or ask him to deal with the CSA or whatever phrase you choose and repeat it whatever he says.

[Deleted User]

Yes, I'm trying to not think about it too much cause that he would use the account in this way is shocking. Unfortunately, he is my son's father. I did suss him out eventually (he's a bit of an emotional blackmailer, rarely tells the truth).., but obviously I did cave in a lot otherwise the relationship wouldn't have lasted 10 years. My fault there., its takes two to keep an abusive relationship going I'm afraid lol!

Its just a shame for my son, whatever his father is, he loves him but hardly see's him. He tends to be bitter as if I've done something terrible, constantly, and I suspect he hasn't made much attempt to see our son to get at me. Obviously I'm the one who hurts when he hurts and my ex knows that. I've tried to tell my son that he can choose how he views life.., he can base his view on what's good in his life (which is quite a lot) or on the bit of bad stuff that he just can't change. He tends to be a bit negative as well so I'm trying to help him combat that and obviously, make it clear that this is not down to some failing of his, but decisions his father has made that are nothing to do with who my son is. Its not easy though obviously.