Flying solo

Mara_uk7

Robin, You have to consider yourself first. Realistically, If you went there and got sick yourself, Do you think the family would come rushing to her/your rescue ?
How about if you offered a couple of weeks respite care, Make sure the family know its a closed ended proposal, and they will have to make arrangements amongst themselves for when you leave.

You have such a lot on your plate dear unselfish Robin. You MUST take time to think about yourself too.

missrlr

Uh ok I am playing Devil's Advocate , sometimes thoughts from other perspectives are helpful but I do not intend to offend or upset, I am sorry if this does either

Was this a one off frustrated remark from a stressed friend in a terrible situation to a close friend whom she may have thought might cut her slack to vent? Could it have been?

By all means make an offer of a closed end time of care respite.
It is difficult to know when to let of steam and to whom sometimes

However the overriding principle I abide by is do what you know is right. In your gut, your little bird on the shoulder, your chi, your god whatever. Just be clear about why you are doing this and ensure you can live with it.
The Lesson of Loss teaches us different things at different times. You are very raw from events recent and none so recent, this will be more poignant for you

Any decision you take needs to be one you can cope with to the end, and not hurt you more either now or at any point in the future

You are a wise woman, you will make decisions very soon that are right xx.

grannyx2

Oh dear Robin, what a lot of crosses you seem to have been baring over the last couple of years. My heart goes out to you

I feel pretty much like Missrlr, (who has put it so much better than i can hope to) my 1st thought was maybe this was frustration rearing its ugly head to make the carer lash out.

At the end of the day, you need to make a decision based on what you think is right and is manageable for you. You have to be able to live with the outcome and possible fall out and may find whatever road you take, it will affect someone.

Not knowing the full ins and outs, my gut instinct is to help for as long as you feel able and suitable

Take care of you dear Robin

Granny x

*Robin*

Hello Buffy, :hello:

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

You know what Robin, having a conscience is a right pain sometimes.

Indeed; don't know whether to respond with , :cool: or :rotfl:..

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I think in your position I would go. My conscience wouldn't stand the thought of a good person being treated in such a fashion and being seen as a burden. I mean waiting for someone to die, my God that is awful.

_pale_ In a way I could understand it, if we were talking about someone who'd been left completely incapacitated for years, perhaps after sustaining massive head injuries in a car accident? With no quality of life, unable to react to the world and requiring a high level of care..

But that scenario is very different to Carer/Friend's Mum's situation.

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

It is probably not the best thing for you health wise? or in terms of the house and other family stuff going on, but hey.

I suppose on balance phone the sibling and see what happens from there?

You're right, I'd rather DS2 and GF were sorted out with access to professional help before taking myself beyond visiting distance..

Been looking for Sibling's number, not found it thus far (very old mobile currently on charge in the hope that it's in there).
Wish I knew Sib better..
1

*Robin*

Hello Sun.A, :hello:

Sun_Addict wrote: »

Oh Robin what a dilemma! If you want to do it then do it. It's a lovely gesture and as Buffy says I think I would do the same in your position. Really feel for the poor lady, what an uncaring family she has, but I'm sure she'll have a whale of a time with you looking after her!

It's not that the other siblings are uncaring; they either have pretty stressful high-powered jobs or several small children to look after. It was a logical decision to ask the only one without ties to step up and stay with Mum - the others have already provided aids such as a special bed and stair-lift, plus arranged for a cleaner to keep her home as Mum likes it [spotless by my standards].

Sun_Addict wrote: »

Sorry to hear about Little Girl! Why do we get so attached to the little so and so's!

Thank you; CD and I are missing Little Girl a lot - those two were special friends.
Why do we get attached? Well, it's hard not to respond to someone** who gives us unconditional love, never lies to us, and is ready for a cuddle any time. :A

**Species not important - although non-humans with soft fur have an advantage - I've never had the same relationship with a pet tortoise or fish, for example, lol.
2

*Robin*

Hello Mara, :hello:

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Robin, You have to consider yourself first. Realistically, If you went there and got sick yourself, Do you think the family would come rushing to her/your rescue ?

Probably not. But I'd take the same precautions that I do anyway; ensure there are at least three pre-prepared meals in the freezer and keep a well stocked cupboard so I'm unlikely to be forced to go out shopping on a day when my health is low. Ha - was forgetting about Oc@do - could simply order home delivery of course.
Most of the repetitive physical tasks which tend to knock me back are being done by the cleaner, and if I had to lift Mum in an emergency I could do it - she's tiny.

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

How about if you offered a couple of weeks respite care, Make sure the family know its a closed ended proposal, and they will have to make arrangements amongst themselves for when you leave.

Mara - that is an excellent idea! :T
..Not sure it will find favour with Carer/Friend though - a couple of weeks off isn't long enough for their purposes; intend to go a long way away.

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

You have such a lot on your plate dear unselfish Robin. You MUST take time to think about yourself too.

Aw; thanks for a comment which is really too kind, m'dear - but raises an interesting thought: Am I being unselfish, or looking for a purpose in life?
Kids are grown, husband gone too soon.. If I am honest, our project of creating a garden at the Nest is no longer achievable for me alone - so what am I to do next?
Helping someone who needs it, is probably a better option than becoming ever more solitary in this beautiful place while waiting for inspiration to strike (which may be when I collect those medals and papers belonging to the WW1 soldier ancestor; really would love to write his story ).
3

*Robin*

Hello Missrlr, :hello:

missrlr wrote: »

Uh ok I am playing Devil's Advocate , sometimes thoughts from other perspectives are helpful but I do not intend to offend or upset, I am sorry if this does either

No, never offended - much prefer and appreciate plain speaking (especially in this medium where we cannot see each other's facial expression or hear tone of voice).

missrlr wrote: »

Was this a one off frustrated remark from a stressed friend in a terrible situation to a close friend whom she may have thought might cut her slack to vent? Could it have been?

Carer/Friend's remark did not go unchallenged; I said it is a privilege to support someone close to you who is fast approaching The Light..
The reply was that if they'd known it would take so long they'd never have agreed to stay with Mum at all.

missrlr wrote: »

By all means make an offer of a closed end time of care respite.

It is difficult to know when to let of steam and to whom sometimes

The more I think about it, the more this seems a good idea.
Yes, CF knows me very well and was thus bluntly honest. Maybe I should take their comments as an oblique request for help sharing something they find an intolerable burden?
This experience is a first for CF - Lord knows it's not easy watching your parent die. Would be fair to say they are not emotionally equipped for the task.

missrlr wrote: »

However the overriding principle I abide by is do what you know is right. In your gut, your little bird on the shoulder, your chi, your god whatever. Just be clear about why you are doing this and ensure you can live with it.
The Lesson of Loss teaches us different things at different times. You are very raw from events recent and none so recent, this will be more poignant for you

Seems ironic that just a few posts ago I was asking the Universe to let me move on from this Lesson, yet now am contemplating volunteering for another chapter..

missrlr wrote: »

Any decision you take needs to be one you can cope with to the end, and not hurt you more either now or at any point in the future

Missrlr, the second half of your sentence above, is rarely totally compatible with the first half (imho ).
There is always a price.

missrlr wrote: »

You are a wise woman, you will make decisions very soon that are right xx.

Wish I had your confidence in my ageing mental faculties, lol.
4

*Robin*

Hello Granny, :hello:

grannyx2 wrote: »

Oh dear Robin, what a lot of crosses you seem to have been baring over the last couple of years. My heart goes out to you

Aww Granny, we all have challenges to meet, don't we? Thanks for the empathy; have a :grouphug: back.

grannyx2 wrote: »

I feel pretty much like Missrlr, (who has put it so much better than i can hope to) my 1st thought was maybe this was frustration rearing its ugly head to make the carer lash out.

Am beginning to see it this way too.

grannyx2 wrote: »

At the end of the day, you need to make a decision based on what you think is right and is manageable for you. You have to be able to live with the outcome and possible fall out and may find whatever road you take, it will affect someone.

Mmm. Do something or do nothing?
As Carer/Friend has just had a break, hopefully they will be feeling a bit less stressed. Think I'll 'phone them after a couple of days and see how they're getting on (still haven't found Sibling's number - would rather speak to CF and Mum anyway).
Meanwhile have started another set of lists with things that should be done before locking the door and driving away from the Nest for a while.

grannyx2 wrote: »

Not knowing the full ins and outs, my gut instinct is to help for as long as you feel able and suitable

Another 'yes' vote - thank you Granny.
5

please-let-me-be-lucky

I think you have reached the perfect conclusion for now Xx

*Robin*

Good Morning Diary and MSE Friends, :hello:

Woke early [5am] this morning when brightness suddenly flooded my room through the open window - lightening!
Storm was over the ridge but made it a very unusual dawn; Clever Dog and I curled up on the patio day-bed to watch.. Gold and aquamarine sky overlaid with dark purple clouds, racing overhead; spitting staccato showers on the tin roof above our heads.

As the birds began their chorus, I noticed Song Thrush flittering back and forth in the branches of Almond One, repeating his song every few seconds. He kept this up for at least ten minutes - even CD was watching him.
:idea: Suddenly realised Song Thrush could see us too - was he asking for breakfast?!
Didn't take long to uncover half a dozen large molluscs from beneath a couple of planks in my 'useful materials' collection, which as usual got lobbed onto the roof of NN's greenhouse. Song Thrush went straight for 'em.
Returning to my pile of [STRIKE]valuable timber[/STRIKE] tat to look for replenishments, I became aware of another Song Thrush in Almond Two, also busily greeting the day.
..Closer inspection revealed this bird to be the adult male who has been enjoying my regular snail harvest over the months (he has a distinctive pale fleck above his eyes). So can only assume that the other male - which I now see is younger - may be a fledgling offspring who has learned to exploit this food source from his father.
:T Impressed.

Ani, if you're reading, this might be a useful technique for you too in your war against the slimey critturs.

No handy greenhouse roof to act as birds' dining table?
:think: Improvise with a cheap tray, nailed onto the top of a post. Well off the ground but not so high that you can't see over the top. A narrow band of crushed egg-shells [or sandpaper, glued] around the edge of the tray will stop the birds' breakfast slime-ing away before diners arrive.
What do you think? ..Hey, maybe I should give Dragon's Den a call! :rotfl:


Typical: Having decided it's probably time to be elsewhere, am suddenly noticing loads of small niggley jobs which somehow never get to the top of my To Do list..
Yesterday half a dozen were crossed off, in between rest pauses which were spent catching up with emails and on here. So much easier not trying to take in all kind visitors' posts and then formulate a single [verbose ] reply.
Another :idea: moment!
<Why has it taken so long to realise this?>

please-let-me-be-lucky wrote: »

I think you have reached the perfect conclusion for now Xx

Dear Lucky, bless you for taking the time to post after the awful day you had yesterday - very much appreciated. :grouphug:
Thinking of you; do so hope that you and DH are having an uneventful day of rest today.


Not so much a conclusion as an evolving hypothesis..

Positive news from DS2 and GF; they are beginning the move to PC's cottages this weekend. Apparently their landlord doesn't mind them leaving abruptly - I told DS he wouldn't get away with giving two weeks' notice in the UK, on an AST which has over seven months to run. But even if LL keeps their deposit it's still the most MSE solution for DS / GF, so who am I to object? Maybe the rules are different here - or more likely, LL isn't letting out the house legally.

Anyway, DS2 and GF will have much more support locally even if I'm not here, and I think she'll enjoy the campo lifestyle - being able to go outside without worrying about being mugged is a great start (they [STRIKE]live in[/STRIKE] are moving away from a very dodgy area of the city).
Better yet, GF will transfer to the local MH clinic - fingers xxxed that they have a Psychologist (am hopeful because the private medico said the chap who works with him also has a job at the state clinic).
Vague positive response from GF re. suggested reading and mindfulness meditation technique - but both times I've seen her briefly, there were other folk with us so the topic was not discussed in public. She just whispered:
"Thanks - is good," [in English! :T ] as we embraced before they went home.

:think: Need to find them a washing machine, and it'd probably be a good idea to have the cooker serviced too - better get on with it! :cool2: