I Think It's Time To Cease Contact But I'm Confused!

chirpychick

*This is my first time asking for help on this board*

There is so much history behind this story that it will be impossible to explain everything and I know there is always 2 sides but I am at my wits end and I feel like I need to cut ties with my Nan but I don't know if I am just being mean / selfish or if she really deserves it. I am just looking for a bit of advice on whether I should cut her out or maybe tips on creating boundaries or something.

Basically my Nan lives 200 miles away with her husband. They aren't old (she is only just at retirement age her husband younger), neither of them work and neither of them have done for quite a few years now - last year they were given suspended sentences and community service for benefit fraud (for a huge amount of money! they only escaped jail as her husband had only just had a heart operation) and her and her husband are constantly in trouble with the Police for aggravating the peace or harassing neighbours etc. Her husband has also had his license taken away for drink driving on numerous occasions and they both beat each other up on a regular basis. He has a problem with alcohol and smokes also.

I have grown up being constantly in the middle of arguments between my Nan and my Mum. There were incidents where my Nan would make me lie to my Mum & Dad when I was young about 10 and tell me not to tell them her husband had been drink driving and not to tell them when he set fire to the house with me inside etc. My Mum and my Uncle stopped contact with my Nan finally about 3 years ago.

Since then I have been the only person in the family to have contact with her.

We have had falling's out, she hates my Dad because he intervened and stopped her husband hitting her in front of me and since then she refused to come to my wedding and things if he was there. But my Dad although not biological has raised me and has always come first which is what doesn't go down so well.

So anyway over the past 18 months contact with her has become very intense! She started emailing me in excess of 10 times a day and if I didn't reply to her then she would ring me and if I didn't answer the phone she would ring again and again and eventually cry down the answering machine, if I didn't respond to that then she would tell me she had fallen over or someone in the family was in hospital and if I failed to respond to that then her husband would phone and be aggressive and threatening! (all the while I could be asleep or out with friends or food shopping and be none the wiser!!)

I use Facebook and she would comment on 200 holiday photos and make stupid remarks on my status's etc and even harass my friends!

Just under 9 weeks ago my Dad went in for major surgery to remove a brain tumour, it has been the hardest year of my life discovering he had the tumour and waiting for the operation and now he has had it and it wasn't successful and has left him unable to eat solid food, no control over some of his body, partially sighted, partially deaf, unable to walk etc etc he is only 47!! He is my world, my best friend!

When my Dad first went into hospital my Nan wouldn't leave me alone, if she had been in the past like a normal Nan it would have been seen as caring, checking up on me but the reality is it was attention seeking because I wasn't giving her the usual!

We moved into this house 6 years ago, in that time she has been here once when we put her up because her husband was in hospital and another time they visited on their way to another friend and her husband smoked indoors despite me telling him not to etc they stayed for 30 minutes.

Anyway so all of her usual tricks aren't working to get my attention so she tells me her friends have just moved 2 miles away from us and so for the August bank holiday her and her husband and going to come up and stay at their friends house but spend the weekend days with us! I informed her that Dad was still in intensive care, that we did in fact already have plans that weekend to decorate the nursery and that at that time I couldn't commit as it would all depend on Dad. She got very offended and sulked.

I sent her an email apologising if I had hurt her feelings but that her phonecalls and emails were too much, I was worried about my Dad and my Baby (as I am currently 6 months pregnant after 4 years 10 months of TTC and 10 miscarriages and being told I probably wouldn't carry a baby to term) and that I needed her to back off a bit.

Since then I have cut phonecalls to 1 a week, blocked her from seeing my activity on FB (though not unfriended her) and stopped replying to emails, telling her I am busy and not on the PC much and that I have no credit to reply to text messages.

But she is still insisting that they are visiting us on bank holiday weekend, she still emails and texts me just says "don't worry about responding" she just wont leave me alone!

I have my own issues with mental health on top of all of this and I am trying to stay calm and relaxed for the sake of my baby but I just can't take it any more!

I feel like
1) I don't want these people around my little boy, they are a bad influence, they are violent people, her husband has a terrible drink problem, their whole attitude towards people and stealing etc and there was an incident when I was small which I don't want to go into on here which means I cannot trust him and don't want them around my baby, ever.
2) I don't need the pressure that she puts me under.

But at the same time, I also feel like she is my Grandmother! I am all she has left - even her husbands Daughter won't have anything to do with them. So if I cease contact then they truly wont have anyone.

Also they don't have much money and she keeps saying she has brought this and that for the baby (clothes, bibs etc) or has sent me £10 here and there and told me not to tell her husband I have NEVER EVER asked her for money and I feel bad that she has gone to this effort for me to be saying I want nothing to do with her.

I feel cruel, but I encouraged her to seek help, she has been to GP's, Councillors & Psychiatrists and when she hears something she doesn't like she will shout abuse at them and never go again.

My husband doesn't want them in our lives any more either.

I just need to know, if I cut them out am I being awful? If I do this then how do I go about it? or is there any alternative?

If you got this far :T :rotfl:

Savvy_Sue

I don't see any alternative. I wouldn't even try to be nice. You may need to go as far as taking out an injunction to stop her harassing you.

CKhalvashi

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I don't see any alternative. I wouldn't even try to be nice. You may need to go as far as taking out an injunction to stop her harassing you.

I really do agree with Sue on this one!

There's nothing in itself wrong with drinking or smoking; I do both, but in moderation, and especially with kids.

My girls are 8 and 10, and they haven't been introduced from violence, however I was speaking with a mother the other week, whos daughter had been assaulted at one of the schools in town, and asked me if I'd assist with paperwork to get her DD into another school. I couldn't have agreed more.

It's not for us to decide, however what Sue has said, I agree with wholeheartedly.

CK

londonsurrey

No, you're not being awful.

Tell her in writing that you don't want any more contact with her by any means, no calls, emails, messages, no letters, no parcels, no gifts.

Change your phone number, or get caller display.
If she calls, put the phone on the table, carry on chatting, vacuuming, watching tv, go out.

If she gets anyone to pass a message on, tell them straight that you're not interested.

She sounds like the type to turn up at your door.
If you've got friendly neighbours, tell them straight that they will not be doing you a favour by taking in parcels from her, or inviting her in to their houses for a cup of tea to wait for you.

If she turns up, don't answer the door.
I'm guessing they're the type to cause a commotion.
Call the police. The police will not answer if you tell them your nan is at the door. They're more likely to answer if you tell them that there are people there with a record for making trouble (specify the exact charges) and that unless they get there soon, there will be a physical altercation.

Stop feeling guilty. You didn't ask her to buy stuff. She can return it or ebay it.

chirpychick

Thank you, I really do appreciate the comments especially at this time of night!

I think what concerns me is that by telling her I don't want any form of contact with her they will create such a commotion causing even more stress.

I do feel bad, I am her only grandchild and my baby will be her first/only great grandchild and she is so excited about it but his safety has to be my top priority.

oh and I used to smoke and my husband used to both smoke and drink it's not that which I so much have an issue with, its the not respecting our wishes to smoke outside or driving a car and getting violent when drunk that causes me concern, just incase my comment causes anyone offence.

marleyboy

As above, you have your own issues and family to deal with now, your husband is right and under the circumstances, albeit he has no right to stop you seeing her, he has a right to refuse her entry to your home, particularly in regards to the threats her partner has ranted down the phone. He has a Wife and child to think about.

How she perceives your relationship with you Dad is irrelevant, your old enough to decide for yourself who is a part of your immediate family, I have no doubt you would have your child know him as Grandad, whether or not you want your child to know their Great Grandma.

You dont need to cut all ties if you do not wish to, but you should be firm and let her no that she is not welcome at your house and if there is to be any visiting, it will be you visiting her, not the other way around. If she is not happy with that situation, that is her loss and not yours, let her sulk and have a tantrum over it, just dont let it bother you too much. Concentrate on those who mean something to you, your Dad, Mum, Husband and Child, dont feel guilty about picking and choosing.

londonsurrey

chirpychick wrote: »

Thank you, I really do appreciate the comments especially at this time of night!

I think what concerns me is that by telling her I don't want any form of contact with her they will create such a commotion causing even more stress.

The reality is that with certain types of people is that they will cause a commotion. Unfortunately, that is unavoidable if that's the way they are, hence my advice about the police. When the police do arrive, make sure to mention that they live 200 miles away, and have no business in the area, and have records.

Remember, they are already causing a commotion, and upping the ante until you jump when they say.

chirpychick wrote: »

I do feel bad, I am her only grandchild and my baby will be her first/only great grandchild and she is so excited about it but his safety has to be my top priority..

Yes, she is excited. But it's all about her. If she were truly concerned, she wouldn't be doing this while you're pregnant.

Legally, grandparents currently have no rights.
However, if you do allow contact to start and continue, after a while, a court might decide that it's detrimental to the child to CUT contact.

So it's a good time to make your mind up now as to how determined you are about no contact.

I do sympathise. I was harassed for years by my mother, who is a solicitor *rollseyes*, so I understand about the methods, the police , the dilemmas about grandchildren, the guilt, the eventual freedom and relief.

chirpychick

londonsurrey wrote: »

Yes, she is excited. But it's all about her. If she were truly concerned, she wouldn't be doing this while you're pregnant.

This is partly what bothers me, she knows all that we are and have been through and there appears to be no concern for our welfare, just doing what pleases her, regardless.

Legally, grandparents currently have no rights.
However, if you do allow contact to start and continue, after a while, a court might decide that it's detrimental to the child to CUT contact.

So it's a good time to make your mind up now as to how determined you are about no contact.

I do sympathise. I was harassed for years by my mother, who is a solicitor *rollseyes*, so I understand about the methods, the police , the dilemmas about grandchildren, the guilt, the eventual freedom and relief.

I really appreciate you pointing out the legal side of things, I admit I have been worried about it. I wish I could thank your reply a hundred times over!

londonsurrey

You are very welcome.

Good luck with it all. Don't allow the wheedling/threats/niceness combo confuse you. They will try to make it unpleasant - just use that to help you dispel any lingering doubt/guilt you have about them caring in any meaningful way.

Remember your objective, don't doubt yourself, stand firm.

Bitsy_Beans

I am struggling to see the benefits of this relationship TBH. They seem rather unpleasant people. I wish this "bloods thicker than water" crap would stop being peddled. It isn't and nor should it be. Being her only granddaughter doesn't matter......clearly doesn't matter to her otherwise she'd treat you a whole lot better.

I am in the camp of cull and move on, life is far too short for such toxic relationships.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

thorsoak

1. See a solicitor about taking out an injunction stopping her from making contact with you, let alone coming within 100 yards of your home!

2. Change your mobile phone no (after giving your PROPER family your new no) - for your landline, if you are with BT, ask to have the CHOOSE TO REFUSE option, which means that you can block her no.

Do this before (1). She is not acting your interests - and if she and her friends start coming round to your house and acting as she has in the past, you will find that your neighbours could view you and your family in the same light as her - and that is definitely not what you want.

From what you have told us, she is trouble - and you don't have to put up with this sort of behaviour from ANYONE - let alone a grandparent. Don't feel confused about your feelings - would you want to associate with anybody else like this? If not - just because she is a grandparent, does not give her rights - good luck.