Guilty about mother

Valli

For different reasons, Sammy, I told my birth father I no longer wanted anything to do with him, I was sick of promises being broken. I did go to visit him,on his hospital deathbed, because other members of my family told me I would regret it if I didn't. I don't think I would have. I did go to his funeral though, and never shed a tear. And I am the world's worst (been crying when we get medals LOL) but I would NOT cry for him.

You feel guilty becaus eyou do care, you would do anything you could for your own babies - and that's what makes it that bit harder.

If anyone says you are cold, or hard-faced, for not having a relationship with your own mother tell them they should thank their lucky stars because they have clearly never had to deal with a toxic, waste-of-space parent. Those of us who have had to cut someone out know that you don't do it lightly, but you do it to protect those you love. Save your energy for your children and for your neices; they are the future; your 'mother' is the past.

sammy_kaye18

Mojisola wrote: »

Tell your aunt and your sister to feel free to help her if they want to.

Listen to your partner. You have created a good family, despite your mother's example, so don't upset things by having such a toxic influence around.

By the way - it would be worth amending your posts - you've given your children's names and dates of birth. Keep yourself anonymous!

:eek: didnt even realise! Thank you for pointing that out!

sammy_kaye18

Valli wrote: »

For different reasons, Sammy, I told my birth father I no longer wanted anything to do with him, I was sick of promises being broken. I did go to visit him,on his hospital deathbed, because other members of my family told me I would regret it if I didn't. I don't think I would have. I did go to his funeral though, and never shed a tear. And I am the world's worst (been crying when we get medals LOL) but I would NOT cry for him.

You feel guilty becaus eyou do care, you would do anything you could for your own babies - and that's what makes it that bit harder.

If anyone says you are cold, or hard-faced, for not having a relationship with your own mother tell them they should thank their lucky stars because they have clearly never had to deal with a toxic, waste-of-space parent. Those of us who have had to cut someone out know that you don't do it lightly, but you do it to protect those you love. Save your energy for your children and for your neices; they are the future; your 'mother' is the past.

as horrid as it sounds Valli I think if something was to ever happen, I dont think Id cry either. I think maybe I would have a sense of relief in not having to deal with things anymore.

It is not the easiest thing in the world to cut someone out I agree and Im a very loyal person - not only to my loved ones but to my friends too and I think my mothers influences have made me very untrusting. I don't feel secure in relationships as Im constantly waiting to be hurt again so those who are close to me I don't tend to let go of. Ive had the same 2 best friends for the last 13 years and Ive been with my partner 10 years this September and I still struggle....

marisco_2

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

Now though my sister and aunt are telling me she is depressed, miserable, financially struggling and all in all not coping very well with life in general

The above is nothing new though is it. Going by all you have advised us of, your mum has been all these things since you were really young. She has robbed you of a normal, happy childhood and treated you horrendously when you needed her most. Choosing to put random blokes ahead of being a loving, caring mum.

Your husband is right, she is not a mother to you. She treats you and your family like dirt and drops you like a stone as soon as some shag buddy offers her an alternative way to spend her time.

Cut contact is my advice and spare yourself years of guaranteed heartbreak and let down. She is also a vile role model for your children, sorry if the this is blunt but have I got it wrong.

ruby-roo_2

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

Im a very loyal person - not only to my loved ones but to my friends too and I think my mothers influences have made me very untrusting. I don't feel secure in relationships as Im constantly waiting to be hurt again so those who are close to me I don't tend to let go of. Ive had the same 2 best friends for the last 13 years and Ive been with my partner 10 years this September and I still struggle....

This is what your mothers treatment has done to you and yet you feel guilt over her. Hun remaining in contact with her will be damaging to you and cause you unecessary further upset, pain and anxiety.

You deserve to have people around you who love and value you. You dont need her to make your life miserable and owe her no loyalty. See cutting her adrift as being loyal to yours and your closest families wellbeing.

azzabazza

Sammy

Counselling helped me enormously. I was able to unload so many feelings that I felt a daughter should not feel against her mother.

I would recommend it. Close friends and family cannot be entirely unbiased if you discuss with them. I found the Counsellor gently drew out my feelings and just talking about them openly with someone who does not judge was the answer for me.

Take care xx

londonsurrey

Just be straight with mutual friends - "I'm sorry, she's sponged off me for years/decades, and I've cut her off. You'll have to speak to her yourself."

You're not responsible for your mother unless you make yourself so, and others are more than happy for you to accept the responsibility.

GobbledyGook

Don't feel bad. Your mother is the person solely responsible for her actions. All actions have consequences and some are too big to repair or pass.

Do what is right for you and your family, your mother wouldn't do things she didn't want too for you so you don't owe her anything extra.

Valli

azzabazza wrote: »

Sammy

Counselling helped me enormously. I was able to unload so many feelings that I felt a daughter should not feel against her mother.

I would recommend it. Close friends and family cannot be entirely unbiased if you discuss with them. I found the Counsellor gently drew out my feelings and just talking about them openly with someone who does not judge was the answer for me.

Take care xx

my assumption would be that what might benefit Sammy would be to have 'permission' to reject her mother, and not to feel that she 'owes' her mother anything?

would you agree?

azzabazza

Valli wrote: »

my assumption would be that what might benefit Sammy would be to have 'permission' to reject her mother, and not to feel that she 'owes' her mother anything?

would you agree?

Not quite how I interpreted my counselling but yes, if handled in the right way.

I have been left feeling OK that I don't like my mother. It was hard to admit this but as soon as I did a great weight lifted from my shoulders.