Guilty about mother

mrs_sparrow

I agree, speaking to someone about this would be helpful for you as you feel guilty for this and you have not actually done anything wrong.

Finding someone unbiased to speak to would be incredibly helpful and help you more forward and away from this toxic lady who has clearly done nothing but cause you pain and let you down.

As your doctor if you can be referred for counselling.

sammy_kaye18

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

That was proof if you ever needed it that you are not important to her unless and until she needs something from you, otherwise she can't be @rsed,

Thank you for that comment. Thats what my head is arguing with my heart. My problem is Im the type of person to always give in and say Im sorry even if its not my fault - again my fathers trait - but this time I know its not. x

azzabazza wrote: »

I think you must stand firm and take control of your life without your mum trying to manipulate you. My biggest regret is that i didn't get counselling years ago to help deal with my mother's constant selfishness, emotional blackmail, bullying and unreasonable demanding behaviour. I finally had counselling 3 years ago just before I was 60 which helped to lay a lot of ghosts. I found this very helpful.

She now has dementia but I visit her on my terms not hers.

I think I still hold a lot of resentment towards her after the divorce, she would get me and my sister to stand watch to see if my dad was coming home whilst she was on the phone to him and at 15 I didnt really understand it, until I spoke to my best friends and realised what Id been part of! I wonder if counselling is something I should look into. x

Valli

Hi Sammy (not flying?;))

That you are feeling guilty shows what a nice person you are. I have read your threads/post on MSE and have often been full of admiration for the way you have coped with other stuff life has thrown at you; you are a lovely mum.

So, back to the point. The guilt might lessen, but it won't ever go away. But YOU aren't responsible for her and her actions. So if other people are foolish enough to lend her money (or anything else) well, they are adults, they made the choice, that they cannot get anything back from your mother is not your fault.
As regards getting in touch - that's your choice BUT please don't expect that she will change. She might TELL you she will, that she wants a relationship with you and her Grandchildren, but actions speak louder than words. She is one of life's takers. There are a lot of them about. She puts herself first - for whatever reason.

But SHE hasn't asked you for help or support - other people are telling you she needs help. Believe me, if she thought she could get what she wanted/needed from you she would have asked you. Those people who are telling you she needs help could be the ones to offer it - but they have chosen not to. They are trying to make you feel a responsibility towards her. They think someone should do something but not them. Your responsibility (IMO) is to your OWN family. The guilt might always bubble under - you are making one of life's difficult choices and it will be all the more difficult because you feel that you would do whatever it takes for your own family. Your mother isn't one of those selfless people.

But it is perfectly ok to have little or nothing to do with toxic people who do not 'add value' to your life. Please don't feel guilty.

shelley_crow

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

To be honest I would have thought she would of tried to contact me by now but I was apparently very clearly mistaken and I think that sentence sums her up perfectly.
She still acts in her 20's and I can remember one arguement I had with her when I was living with her so I was about 16/17 was that she needed to start being a mother because she was going out with her friends every night, crawling in at early hours of the morning and waking me and my sister up ( I was doing my exams and so my sister would have been 13/14) but she saw no problem in it and the conversation ended with "it was her turn to have her life back now because she was 40 and she'd raised us already and we could look after ourselves"

Thank god I follow in my fathers footsteps.......

You've managed to grow up with a level head and sensible attitude, despite her actions.

She hasn't treated you like a daughter, more like a walking cashpoint! I think it's time for the bank of Sammy_K to shut. When your sister or aunt ring you bemoaning your mother's money problems, tell them that it's not your problem. Her cash cow has run out of money and patience. If she can fit a job in among all her partying and man friends, then she will have to work for a living like everyone else on this planet.

She treated you like a major inconvenience for so long, maybe it's time she receives some of that attitude back.

sammy_kaye18

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

Even though some people are family they are really not worth the trouble and heartache they bring. Ask youself this: If she was a neighbour/work colleague, would you want to be friends with her? And then you'll have your answer.

Honestly if I didnt know her and I was her work mate I think I would find her very bossy, bit of a know it all, and just generally irritating. Which sounds an awful thing to say about your own mother but I think thats how most people probably see her.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

I agree, speaking to someone about this would be helpful for you as you feel guilty for this and you have not actually done anything wrong.

Finding someone unbiased to speak to would be incredibly helpful and help you more forward and away from this toxic lady who has clearly done nothing but cause you pain and let you down.

As your doctor if you can be referred for counselling.

I think I will look into it.

Thanks for your responses x

Fire_Fox

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

T
Im not entirely sure but she is very self centered and likes being the centre of attention. Thanks for the reply

Could be a mental health issue or a personality disorder, how you persuade her to get diagnosed I don't know.

sammy_kaye18

shelley_crow wrote: »

You've managed to grow up with a level head and sensible attitude, despite her actions.

She treated you like a major inconvenience for so long, maybe it's time she receives some of that attitude back.

She does work at the minute but I agree that she feels like she has done her bit for society by raising two daughters. My sister has my mothers traits but I think personally shes a bit lost after a particularly violent relationship and my nieces there are my main priority regarding contact with her.

Valli wrote: »

Hi Sammy (not flying?;))

That you are feeling guilty shows what a nice person you are. I have read your threads/post on MSE and have often been full of admiration for the way you have coped with other stuff life has thrown at you; you are a lovely mum.

The guilt might always bubble under - you are making one of life's difficult choices and it will be all the more difficult because you feel that you would do whatever it takes for your own family. Your mother isn't one of those selfless people.

But it is perfectly ok to have little or nothing to do with toxic people who do not 'add value' to your life. Please don't feel guilty.

Valli - my flying is all done. This flylet is maintaining now Thank you for the lovely comments. I try my best.
I think its because I have such a strong maternal instinct that I honestly cant understand how she doesnt. I mean Holly and Ben are my world and the thought of not seeing them for the day kills me.
I do think a relationship with her would do more harm than good and the feeling of guilt is horrible, but then I think that I bet she doesn't feel guilty for anything shes put me through.

BitterAndTwisted

Your mother sounds absolutely vile, and I'd not be wanting my sweet little children to be put in danger of having their lives and minds polluted by being in contact with her. If you can't cut her off for your own sake, please consider doing it for your children's future well-being.

You are very fortunate because you do have a decent, sane and loving family around you. It's Owen's.

sammy_kaye18

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Your mother sounds absolutely vile, and I'd not be wanting my sweet little children to be put in danger of having their lives and minds polluted by being in contact with her. If you can't cut her off for your own sake, please consider doing it for your children's future well-being.

You are very fortunate because you do have a decent, sane and loving family around you. It's Owen's.

..........They are worth their weight in gold...........although I dont know entirely about the sane bit - they are as mad as a bunch of frogs.........and that slightly confused me because I wasnt sure Id mentioned Owens name! must be all these MSE stalkers.............;)

Mojisola

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

Now though my sister and aunt are telling me she is depressed, miserable, financially struggling and all in all not coping very well with life in general and I feel guilty in that I should be there for her as her eldest daughter but I dont want to leave myself open to diappointment again.

Talking to my partner is no help, he cant stand my mother after she kicked me out but he has the perfect little mum, dad, sister family and they never seem to have issues! His view is my mother isnt a mother.

So Im confused. Shes 50 next year and I don't know whether to contact her and just accept the fact that she is never going to change and put up with it , or keep my distance and save myself and my kids the disappointment.

Tell your aunt and your sister to feel free to help her if they want to.

Listen to your partner. You have created a good family, despite your mother's example, so don't upset things by having such a toxic influence around.

By the way - it would be worth amending your posts - you've given your children's names and dates of birth. Keep yourself anonymous!